So let’s say you won an Oscar. What would your acceptance speech at the ceremony be?
Mine - assuming I didn’t trip and fall getting to the stage - would probably contain lots of “ummmms” and awkward pauses. I’d thank God, family, the directors, and maybe throw in some jokes that took me a week to rehearse in advance. In between I’d probably squint at the bright light in my eyes. Then I’d end the speech awkwardly and abruptly and go back to my seat.
It happens every so often, but if I got a statue, it’d be “Thank You”, and I’d walk away. Two words, that’s it.
Something about Beyonce’s video and how Weird Al is the greatest of all time.
“I’m a software engineer, how the hell did I win an Oscar?”
With all the CGI, that might be a category some day.
“I’d like to thank nobody. I won this sucker on my own!”
“I’d like to thank the good people at PriceWaterhouse for accepting my bribe…”
“If G-d has been working on me winning this award, that might explain the weather we’ve been having lately.”
"This entire ceremony is a bullshit party for one-percenters to pat each other on the back and tell each other how great they are. Chances are that most of the people who voted for me didn’t even watch the movie I was nominated for, and it doesn’t even matter who wins because the only reason you’re watching this is because multinational corporations are willing to shell out more money than you’ll ever see in your life for thirty seconds of airtime with which to try and sell you a product you don’t need and which will probably kill you in the long run.
“Also, I’d like to thank my mother.”
"It was an honor to be nominated.
But then you bastards disrespected me by giving me the award. I will make each and every one of you pay for this insult.
And I’d also like to say hi to my mom."
“You people must be nuts.”
It would all depend on what the award was for, and who I worked with, etc. I certainly would thank my wife and mention my daughter, but anything else would be flexible.
If I’d gotten a lot of money for my winning role:** “SO LONG, SUCKERS!”**
“Where am I, and why am I not wearing pants?”
…and the I’d wake up.
Well…I don’t know…who any of you people are…
but I take this applause to mean that you accept and welcome my leadership of your planet…
I’m taking this statue as a token of your acceptance.
Don’t anybody try to take it from me - it will end badly for you.
Farewell.
I was told the statuette was chocolate.
Thank you everyone! And now on with the show!
“Hey, thanks! Not sure why you gave me this, since I’ve never been in or involved with a movie, but then I guess knowing that would require you to actually watch movies, which hardly anyone involved in voting for these things does. Anyway, I’m available for talk shows and endorsements. Call me.”