"Oh—I can’t believe I won, against Nicole Kidman, Anne Bancroft, Meryl Streep and the recently cloned Madame Sarah Bernhardt! I’m overwhelmed.
"I want to thank my costars and my director, of course—and also my seventh-grade English teacher, James McBriarty, for introducing me to the joys of sex in the coatroom during recess. He also taught me that wearing fur is wrong, and all you Nazi whores in your mink coats should be taken out and shot like the murderers you are!
"I want to thank the Academy for this award. I know many of you thought it should go to Nicole, but obviously enough of you thought otherwise. I’m sure she’ll get another chance.
"I also want to thank my director and my costars for not overshadowing my performance and for giving me something to work with. You’ll get your chance soon, guys.
"And I want to take this opportunity to let Mr. Bush know that I think he’s a Communist pig, and I hope those Iraqis kick everyone’s asses.
"Wow, this is such an honor. For me to be up against the likes of whoever else was nominated for Best Actor and win is, like, such an achievement. Go me!
"First, I’d like to thank my agent, Flora Swansucker, for screwing every executive at Paramount to get me this role. I’d like to thank my costars for giving me such a foundation to build my role on, and the director for letting my sex scene with Lexa Doig last all day and well into the night. I’d also like to thank the producers for bailing me out of jail after I got busted with the hookers. Thanks, guys!
"I’d also like to thank my mom and dad for supporting me in my long journey to get here. Thank you, for never telling me to give up my dream, even when the road to this podium took me through Revenge of the Nerds 5, Freddy Got Fingered Again, and Showboys.
"And, most importantly, I’d like to thank the man who first got the acting bug to bite me: Dan Monahan. If it were for your poignant portrayal of the trials of 1950s high school life, I might never had dedicated my life to acting.
“Thank you, everyone, from the bottom of my heart. God bless America!”
"I would like to thank the Academy, first of all. That having been said -
What the hell are we doing wasting the viewers’ time expressing our opinions? Nobody in this room has a political idea that is deeper than a parking lot puddle, for heaven’s sake! We got where we are by making faces at a camera, and spouting lines that somebody else wrote for us. We have fake hair, fake smiles, fake boobs, fake marriages, and fake biographies. What do we have to add to the public debate?
Nobody made it up here because they had extraordinary IQs. If I didn’t have perfect cheekbones, I would be working at the check out line at my local Safeway. We work in an industry where ‘integrity’ means not taking off your bra unless it is really necessary to the plot, and ‘compassion’ means going to a party given by rich people to lobby for higher taxes to be paid by someone who can’t afford to pay a tax attorney six figures to find loopholes.
I spent thousands of dollars on acting lessons so I could cry on cue. How does this qualify me to do an analysis of US foreign policy that wouldn’t inspire giggles in anyone with an IQ in double digits?
Hey! I had to suck a dozen producers’ dicks to get here, so don’t you be telling me how long I have to speak! I have something to say here, and I don’t intend to let anyone - <click>" Cut to commercial.
I always imagined myself wordlessly taking the award, walking into the audiance, and handing it to the person who SHOULD’VE gotten it. They NEVER pick the right person. (My having won it would be proof of that.)
“I’d like to thank Michael Korman, P.I. whose tireless effort to dig up dirt on my fellow nominees was crutial in getting me here where I am today. Thank you.”
“Wow, I’d like to thank the Academy for recognizing my obviously superior talent. As the newly elected Best Actor my first action will be to burn Hollywood to the ground and rebuild it in my image. Next I’ll be killing the other actors nominated. That means you Jack.
I’d also like to thank myself for being so amazing and blowing the other “talent” away. It was clear from the beginning that the opposition didn’t even deserve to breath my air. Thank you, and go to hell everyone!”
"Thanks for the award. It isn’t going to make me like any of you, though, you know. I hate all of you. I think all of Hollywood except myself is composed of stupid pretty people who think it’s worthwhile to worry about whether someone’s skirt was an ince longer than some stupid fashion designer said it should be for this season, and who spenf thousands of hours working on their tans.
So any, I’m glad you’ve finally recognised my inherent superiority, and I’m going to take this statuette home and put it in the garage somewhere."
“Thank you all so very, very much. Wow. I’m like, speechless. Really. I so do not know what to say. It makes me think of my grandmother. She was very quiet too. Except near the end. The doctors said it was an ulcer, but after only a few weeks the explosive diarrhea really made us wonder. Oh, and then at her funeral, my cousin, not Julie - who’s quiet like me and like our ex-grandma - but Johnny - who’s been arrested for coke dealing three times, showed up all high and hung-over and got sick is the casket …”
I want to thank the Academy and all the little people whom I have stepped on in my quest for stardom.
In particular, I would like to thank the Democrats for killing all the babies who otherwise might have competed against me for this award.
I thank the Christian Right and their White Supremacist allies for oppressing and discouraging all the gay people who, as all of you know, are disproportionately talented in the arts.
And of course I want to thank PETA for making liberalism a laughing-stock, thereby giving me the opportunity to call myself a “centrist”.
[…pausing to bite lip…]
I wish I could say that all is well in America. Unfortunately, it isn’t. Even as Republican politicians in Washington drive around in their fancy cars, global warming is causing havoc in the environment — from the coldest winters on record in the Midwest to ice-storms in the deep South. I call on them to give up their limousines for the sake of our children. I would give up my own limousines, but my garage was designed to house them, so I’m kind of stuck with them.
“I’d like to thank Roman Polanski for for being such a brilliant director. I’d say I gave the best performance for him since that underage kid he filmed playing his skin flute.”