“Well, this is very nice, thank you. Everyone take a good look. (puts Oscar on podium) The bidding will start at, oh, five hundred bucks.”
The award is nice and all, but I was sort of hoping for a chocolate one wrapped in gold foil. For the rest of my speech, including the list of those that are secretly gay and the real ages of the actors and actresses, please log on to www…
I would like to thank the academy, and all the people who have made this possible. First, my plastic surgeon who can suck fat out of a pair of thighs like Elton John can suck… Um, you get the idea. Second, I want to thank my priest whose persistent attention each Sunday after mass taught me to suppress my gag reflex. I know that many of the casting directors in the room are glad I learned that little trick. Sluuurp, he he he. Finally, I want to thank my parents. Mama and Daddy, I know that you’re lonely in that one room log cabin with no running water. Your sacrifices have given me the ability to truly enjoy my new 40,000 square feet beachside house in Malibu. I tried to call and say hello, but your phone has been disconnected. So, I have no way to reach you. Oh well, y’all know you’re always in my prayers. Just no more letters, okay? It hurts too much to hear how much you’re suffering, and I have to keep my spirits up for my fans.
I will treasure this award always. Okay, so who do I have to blow to get my next part?
Oooh, Mr. Spielberg!
I’d like to thak my sisters. And my lovers. And the wonderful mother of my child.
And I 'd like you all to know, those three gropus all overlap.
I’d like to thank Oscar. I don’t know who he was, or why he thought I’d deserve an award, but, hey, thanks, pal! I guess he’s dead, since they usually don’t make statues out of alive people - so, if he is dead, he won’t know I’m thanking him. But I’ll thank his family, and hope they’ll pass along the message, next time they visit his grave. So, thanks, Oscar’s family! And my condolences on your loss, by the way.
blows a kiss to adoring fans
P.S: You guys’ speeches made me laugh a lot. Thank you all!
Dude, I’ve been waiting so long for this, I thought I was going to wind up being Hollywood’s version of Losin’ Susan Lucci! Thank God THAT didn’t happen. But then, I had a leg up on Susan–literally, because she was one of about 1,700 people I had to sleep with to get here! I’d thank all of THEM, but dude, there isn’t time.
At any rate, it’s a good thing I won, because since they pissed off the red carpet deal this year, I’d never have had a chance to show off this dress (it’s Badgley Mischka, by the way–who is horribly passe, I know, but come on, check out my TITS in this thing; you think I was going to pass this one up?) if I’d been forced to sit clapping and grinning in the audience like the morons who were up against me.
To sum up: I kick ass!
Who am I? Why am I here?
"Yes, I know we’re supposed to be all humble and thankful when we get these, but that’s bull. I’m gonna say what every Oscar winner has been thinking but hasn’t had the balls to say:
HA HA HA HA I WON YOU LOST YOU ALL SUCK I AM THE BEST HA HA HA !
Thank you, and to my parents, who never thought I had a chance, their home security alarm number is 3476, the money is in the upstairs bathroom, and they don’t really have a dog."
Thank you, thank you. (Takes statuette.) Thanks, Julia. Nice funbags. Whatcha doin later?
I’d just like to take a few seconds to laugh at you. Ha ha ha ha. There. You stupid thudfucks. I can’t believe I’m recieving this award for that steaming dungpile the producer called a movie. To be honest, I don’t remember much about it because while I was on location I snorted more blow than a Darryl Strawberry house party In fact, I’m stoned off my ass right now. Anyway, I watched the video yesterday and that movie sucked donkey teats. Christ, what insulting, drool-inducing tripe. I was terrible; I looked like I was acting at gunpoint.
But I guess I looked better than the idiots I was acting with. What a pack of animals. Here, I’ve got a clip. Roll the clip… thanks. Okay… see her? Nailed her. And her? Nailed her. Her? Nailed her. What a pack of sluts. Oh, there’s Eddie, the comic relief guy. He nailed them all too. Then he nailed me. I’m not picky.
I’d like to thank my director, John Smith, for not puking on my shoes more than three, four times a week, most weeks. The vision and originality you idiots think he put into this movie was just the fact that he was drunk most of the time. The reason the movie’s so dark is because with his nonstop hangovers he couldn’t stand to have any lights on. You’re a loser, John, and by the way, Mrs. Smith, he nailed all those chicks too. Oh, you’re his mother? He says you’re a filthy hosebag. He might even say it when he’s sober, not that anyone would ever know.
I’d like to thank my agent, Will Williams, for all the help he’s given me, but I can’t because he’s dead. I shot him and chopped off his limbs and dumped him in the ocean just a few hours before showtime. The irony is that I used his 45-foot cabin cruiser that he bought with MY MONEY to boat out into the Pacific and do the deed.
I guess it’s poetically appropriate that the result of all that humping and cinematic masturbation was this stupid award and a statue that looks like Aristotle Onassis’s dildo. You know, it’s events like this that make me suspect Marx had a point. A bunch of lucky rich, eighty percent of whom can’t read or write past a seventh grade level, blowing about a billion dollars on a party for the sole purpose of engaging in a public circle jerk to pretend our stupid little industry matters. And people have the nerve to come up here and cry, as if this matters more than stale flyshit. You should cry, all right, because you’ll be the first against the wall when the revolution comes, you ghouls.
Good night, and good riddance to all of you.
RickJay, isn’t that the same speech Greer Garson gave when she won the Oscar in '43?
I really don’t have anyone to thank for giving me this award. Without me they would be living on the streets of Santa Monica. Oh wait, I do have one person to thank…Cosmo Kramer.:smack:
I’ve invited my fellow documentary nominees on stage with us here in solidarity with me because we like non-fiction and we live in ficticious times. We live in the time where we have fictitious election results that elect a ficticious president. We live in a time where we have a man who’s sending us to war for ficticious reasons, whether it’s the fiction of duct tape or the fiction of orange alerts. … We have a man sending us to war for ficticious reasons. We are against this war, Mr. Bush. Shame on you, Mr. Bush, shame on you.
The speech I’ve dreamed of giving while accepting the award for best actor:
I’ve boycotted the Oscars since 1978, when, as a ten-year-old boy, I was stunned by the Academy’s failure to award the best picture award to Star Wars. In the ensuing years, the Academy has steadfastly refused to apologize, and in fact compounded their error by heaping honor on glurge like Forrest Gump, Titanic, and Gladiator. Tonight, the Academy has once again demonstrated its poor judgement, but ironically, I’m here to thank you for it.
Of course, I’d never work again, but I think it would be worth it.
tap tap Hello? Hello? Is this thing on?
Can someone tell me where I am and who’s the gold dude?
Hello? Hello?
Julie
I’d like to thank the Academy for this award. Without your votes I’d never have been able to fulfill my lifelong dream.
While we’re on the subject, any ladies in the audience, or watching on television, if you’d like to get your jollies using a genuine Oscar™ as a marital aid, contact me at 1-123-555-1212. All I ask is that you let me stream video of your activities over the Internet, where I will allow paying viewers(at the bargain rate of $1 a minute!) to enjoy the sight. Anyone in tonights audience, this offer stands for you as well, although the fee for a famous actress doing the nasty with Oscar™ will be $5 per minute. I will be donating a portion of all celebrity appearances on my Internet webcasts to a fund to relieve the suffering of homeless in Peru.
Thanks again to all the members of the Academy, my mother, and God. And ladies… I’ll see you later.
Enjoy,
Steven
“If anyone here has a silver Jaguar, license plate SM1 B67 – your lights are on. Thank you very much.”
About fucking time.
“Thank you all very much for this statue. Now I have to go lube it up and see where it fits.”
“LOLOLOL OMG 1 4M TEH W1Nn4R!!!1!1!~”
Yes, that was painful to type.
Elvis, this is neither the time or the place.
as the threat title says “YOUR inapporpriate speech”.
Either go into another thread with your opinion or go buy a clue.
BTW, I thought Moore was right on the money.