First of all, I’d like to thank that bitch at the East Coast soap opera who wouldn’t hire me to be a lowly production assistant. Eat THIS, you slime-soaked little wench. I hope you’re cancelled soon, and believe me - I will use every little favor in my power to do so. To my old roommate - one Oscar is worth two Emmys, right? We’re tied! Bush? Stop claiming that you’re doing it all for “God” and admit that Ashcroft has his hand up your ass…and you like it! Kevin Spacey and Helen Hunt? That closet door’s been WIDE open for years now. You might as well come out. Joe Rogan? Meet me upstairs after the show. I’ve wanted you for a long time, and I don’t care if you only agree because I’ve got an Oscar. Thank you, I rock!
I’m on to you clowns. You think you’re pretty clever sucking up to me like this. You think if you play all nicey-nice I’m going to tell me my secrets. You’d give everything you have to learn why I never lose at Yahtzee. Well, it’s not going to work, you feckless bastards. I can also change pennies into nickels, but you’ll die baked in the desert primeval before I tell you my alchemy. Oh, and thanks, Mom.
Whoa! I’d like to thank the Academy. As you may know, I made this film for $60 K and my deep love of movies as an art form.
But thanks to you, my next one will be made for $20 MM and my deep love of the new Gulfstream V as a transcontinental jet. Have any of you seen that baby? Vroom, vroom! What am I talking about – a bunch of you have this statue, too. So of course you’ve test-flown it.
I’d like to thank my attorney, and I promise him that I’ll drive more carefully in the future.
For the benefit of any star-fuckers out there, I’ll be at Spago after this.
I’d just like to say that I’ve got no reason to thank anyone here, 'cause it was all me, baby. All me! Everyone else involved with this film ought to be out here sucking my dick right now, 'cause if it weren’t for my very presence, they’d all have been cashing in their food stamps at the corner liquor store for some cheap smokes and a bottle of Thunderbird. That’s star power, baby!
I’d also like to say that I do truly deserve this; you people have no idea how difficult it is to do what I do when surrounded by no-talent hacks (I’m looking right at you, Director Whatever-the-fuck-your-name-is!). And that includes all of you out there in the audience. It’s good to know that someone in this business has the decency and intellectual capacity to recognize that I’m the only real artist in this whole goddamn building.
Anyway, I’ve got some serious money to spend right now, and you know how chicks dig ol’ Oscar here. I’ll catch you losers later.
Well, first I’d like to say-that this is so NOT a surprise-considering the other hacks in the catagory-poor things.
Well, that and I promised all the judges I’d sleep with them if I won-ha ha suckers!!!
Oh, and Joan Rivers is cordially invited to bite me twice. Joan, dahling, when one looks like the offspring of a plucked chicken and a skinned lizard, it’s unwise for one to talk about how everyone else looks.
And finally, I’d like to thank my dealer, without whom I would not be higher than a fucking kite right now.
I’d like to thank the Academy, cast and crew, my beloved family. Now if you’ll excuse me a moment …
tugs dress bodice down
You paid for them, you can honk them. One honk to a customer, double honking is five dollars. Or
And to think just three years ago I was a professional truck stop fellatrix! To all the johns who moved the steering wheel up…
I’m not going to thank you for this award. We all know it’s meaningless and you corporate whores wouldn’t know quality if it bit you on the ass. The only reason I’m standing up here tonight is that the studio to which my sell-out whore of a producer shilled my glorious film bought every one of you washed-up hacks who voted for me. I wouldn’t have even come here to accept this gaudy, tasteless chunk of fake gold except that I wanted the chance to tell you all what I think of your lousy business. I’m still pure, baby, even if producers will be knocking down my door to give me money for the next year, just because of this award.
You guys gave me an Oscar? Jesus fucking Christ. And here I thought I was talented. The idea that you slack-jawed neanderthals think you can understand even a fraction of my art literally turns my stomach. Take your goddamed phallic paperweight and cram it sideways up your collective asses, you pathetic, middle-brow cretins.
I’d like to thank the Academy and all the little people I stepped on to get here. You know who you are, and you’re probably still sore. So just know that, your being there led to me being here, so it is to your less than great performances, your lack of effort or creativity and your lack of zeal.
Also I would like to note the LA Lakers suck.
Oh and, Molly, I love you. Daddy will see you soon. Once he talks to Mommy in front of the man in the black dress. We’ll see each other real soon okay? And don’t listen to mommy, she lies, I’m really your father.
::removes a scroll from my bosom and unfurls all 10 feet of it::
I have a few people I’d like to thank.
::hurls the scroll to the side::
Or maybe not.
Let’s see…first of all, I want to thank Kathy Bates and Queen Latifah for eating more than 1200 calories a day and showing these concentration camp sized women what real size D’s look like. You go, girls! Let’s do lunch.
::Shielding my eyes and looking into the crowd:: Tom Cruise, where are you and who’s your beard this year? Too bad J.Lo was already married this week. You’d make a cute couple!
Richard Gere, my man! News flash: China ain’t never letting Tibet go. Get over it already.
Hey Halle! You really think you’d have gotten that gold man if you didn’t have a white mama?
Dan, dan, dan. You were the object of many masturbatory fantasies, Daniel Day-Lewis. What the hell have you done to yourself?!
To the producers of this show: I’m sorry to be the one to break this to you, but nobody, and I mean nobody, gives a flying fuck who wins the award for best foreign documentary.
And finally, I’d like to say, Julia, this award has absolutely nothing to do with you. Let’s keep it that way.
Moderator’s Notes: We’re gonna cease with the bickering about Michael Moore right now. There are other places where you may do that. I won’t see this great thread get derailed.
Since this award really belongs to the public and others who have supported me throughout my career, this oscar as well as my recent SAG award will be auctioned on Ebay starting this monday. No Reserve!"
I would like to thank the academy, as I can now finally say I will never have to sleep with any of you hairy, ugly, nasty homunculi to get a part again.
Previous post intended as a joke and not intended to raise spectre of Moore issue, and I thought he was right on the money, too, myself.
Wow! Wow! This is amazing! I’d like to than–
Wait a goddamn minute. Who the hell did they just put in my seat as filler? Hey! No way you’re putting some bitch with better knockers in my seat. Ushers, wrong choice. I want her OUT OF THERE!
Honey, eyes FRONT. Yeah, your drool is glistening, I can see it from here.
Steve Martin reads the following prepared statement: “The Honoree chose not to be with us tonight because, quote, he still hates award shows, unquote.”
Steve then goes on to ad-lib, “Well excuuuuse, me!”
(looking it over)… where do you put the batteries? what do you mean it doesn’t vibrate? i thought that’s how katherine hepburn got the shaky voice … i can’t believe i spent all that money on a dress and i won’t even get a proper oragasm from this piece of junk… (tosses it and leaves in disgust)… hey tom, are you busy? can we let bygones be bygones? i’ll let you be my curling iron again… cmonnnnn baby…