“Uh, thanks, guys, but shouldn’t this be going to like an actor or something, not the computer schmoe at a humane society? Not that I’m not grateful, but are you sure it’s for me?”
goes through all the closeted stars I’ve slept with you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you but it was really bad, and you, and you, and I won’t sleep with you so quit asking me, and you, and you, and you gave me crabs, and you and you, and my fag hag slept with you and you and you and you and you.
I just wanna say FUCK ALL OF 'YA. I DID IT ON MY OWN.
(Lights cigarette, leers at crowd.)
Wow- all for me?! Wow I literally don’t know what to say- If it wasn’t for the talented writers- thanks Sondra and Chuck-staying up with me all night doing blow so that we can get the 8th rewrite finished in time for that fat fuck Weinstein , who never bothered once to roll off that whore to approve the location for the alternate ending location and I ended up putting it on my AMEX platinum card- Harvey, you owe me you putz, I don’t think I would have made it through the drama of Winona’s blackouts and JLo and Ben’s worthless contract riders for 10 minutes of shlock that ended on the cutting room floor because J and Ben’s tan palette did not match the scenery.
But to the most important person, no not my agent asswipe who will forever kiss my rear and drop and give me twenty at any moments notice- but to my personal trainer/psychic Chartru for helping me see that I was surrounded by takers and that I, as a giver, would need to cast out those evil demons along with my second husband Jean-Luc who were sucking my dry like a second rate Michelle Pfeifer. I deserve this- because my knees are chafed from begging for a chance in this worthless town
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I’m glad it all worked out this way, because I laid down some heavy coin in Vegas betting on this and now I’ve got enough to finance my own movies.
We will be starting production on “Stranger in a Strange Land” next week, followed by “Lord of Light,” and the first installments of the “Amber” and “Well World” series next year. See you at the multiplex. Hooahh!
Holy shit, I just won the Oscar!
(walks offstage in a daze, leaving statue on podium)
That there’s some funny stuff.
Imagine it in the voice of Kevin Spacey from Swimming with Sharks and it’s golden.*
:snack:
AAAAAAUUUUUUGGGHHHHH.
Thanks for the door stop.
Wow! wow this is…such an honor, such a surprise…
Well, first of all, I’d like to thank someone who, during my darkest and lowest days, reminded me that no matter how lowly your station in life, you can still find the “Superman” within yourself and rise to the top. So…this one’s for you, Adolf Hitler!
To the members of the academy, I can only say this…“Return of the Living Dead” was a DAMNED good movie, and “Gollum,” “Wilson” from “Cast Away” and Don Bluth all should have taken home this award!
And to the TRUE ‘fanboys’ out there…the fanfic writers, the cosplayers, the nerds who can spend hours discussing the tiniest minutiae of my work, I’d like to say…there are those of you, maybe even a majority, who have more talent and creativity your little fingers than I have shown in my entire career. But random chance favored me, so I’m the one who got to have a successful career in entertainment, slowly becoming decadent and corrupt, and losing touch with my last shreds of artistic integrity, and perhaps even my humanity. So, go for broke! Violate copyright laws whenever you need to, and even if you don’t! If the studio “Foxes” your web site, build three more on a Slovakian Server! Write epic-length slashfic in standard script format, and BUY “GRAY MARKET” VIDEOS OF WORKS THAT’LL NEVER GET RELEASED COMMERCIALLY IN NORTH AMERICA!
And as for the dire situation in Iraq, I think I speak for all of us when I say…I don’t care if they slaughter every last one of those heathen savages, and I personally look forward to the day that the world is brought to heel under the steel grip of America. We’re the new Rome, you miserable, squabbling foreign half-men. History has already been set forth. Bow trembling before your rightful master, or become smoke and ashes in our wake.
And to the good folks at home who’re watching tonight, I’d just like to say…I have more money than you could even imagine, and there’s nothing you can possibly do about it. YAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
::Throws Ninja Smoke Bomb onto the floor, and dissapears through trapdoor::
Although, if I didn’t win, I’d like to have the guts to show up on a chandelier over the orchestra pit, wearing half of a masquerade mask, and laughing like a madman.
Isn’t that what Boris Karloff said when he got the Grammy for How the Grinch Stole Christmas?
¡Soy su nuevo dios! In closing, I am Spartacus!
Accepting for Lee Tyson will be Sascheen Littlefeather…
Oh, my statue has a first name, it’s O-S-C-A-R…
I…I am so amazed that I won this, not to say I don’t deserve it. You have no idea how hard it is to be me, forever knowing that I can only be me, and never be with me. I truly wish I could be you losers right now, so I could look at me.
I’d also like to take this time to point out, that I am Jesus Christ and all who do not bow down before my omnipotent power will be crusified on the edges of Hollywood will my minions dance on dismembered bodies.
I say BOW!
Catch me!
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