There are guys who collect women’s underpants because they have an erotic reaction to viewing or touching it. There are guys who have a similar collection of women’s high heeled shoes, for similar reasons.
I would assume they go to the room where they keep these things for the express purpose of having a sexualized moment, they want to get aroused and then pursue the matter at hand until they attain gratification. So they seek out this experience as a consequence of their sex drive.
On the other hand, I’d also assume that if you took a random sample of a million stone-aged males who had never seen women in nylon lingerie or stiletto heels, in person or in glossy ads, and explored their reactions to these materials and also what they were inclined to do when they got horny, you’d find a 0.00 % correlation between male lust and shoe-fetish or panty-fetish behavior.
I’m sure rape is quite sexy for some (if not all) rapists. That in no way supports the premise that rape exists as a direct consequence of male lust, or even male horniness thwarted. A huge portion of that which has been presented to us all as ‘erotic’ has at least overtones, if not central plotlines, of bad boy seduces good girl.
Malacandra, the issue is on a societal level, not individual. While I appreciate your effects, you’ve got a lot of stuff to fight against.
Women are just as, if not more so, guilty of propegating the idea that women in general aren’t very interested in sex. A girl who is sexually open and active is called more names by other females than males. I’ve heard more women call other women slut, attention whore, etc than I’ve heard men.
I don’t agree that number of sex partners automatically equals horniness. There are many people who have had more sex partners than me who are less horny. Just because I want to have sex all the time doesn’t mean that I actually go out and do it. Because of the risks that are involved in sex, I don’t engage in it nearly as much as masturbation.
I can’t find any reliable online cites for rates of male masturbation. According to JackinWorld survery of 5000 men which was cited by a few other websites, rates of masturbation are as follows:
I fit into the “more than 15 times catagory” and have for some time but I’ve only ever had one sexual partner.
I can’t tell if you’ve missed my point or don’t understand it. My point is that she must have had reasons –valid to her–to for not engaging in sex with the frequency that would satisfy you. She may well have had as strong a drive as you, but she placed limits on it.
I can again speculate about her reasons for doing so, but it’s pure guesswork. Maybe she wasn’t comfortable with the strength of her desires and was even a mite ashamed of them. Maybe she wanted to explore more deeply the emotional connections in the relationship. Maybe she was a controlling bitch who did it out of spite–any of these are possible. Keep in mind, when discussing someone’s sex drive and activity, it’s their motivations and decisions that come into play–not yours or their partner’s. IOW, you can’t make anyone say yes when they want to say no–well, you can, but it can lead to anger, as you mentioned. I am only discussing sex in terms of relationships here, not assault or rape.
OK- few would disagree that sex is a pleasurable activity. Some women would argue about the uncomplicated bit, but that’s neither here nor there. I generalize? What about your broad brush? Is that the only reason you have for women to “restrict” sex?
You have made women into the Gatekeeper for your own sexual fulfillment and satisfaction. This makes her an easy target for frustrations, resentments and displaced anger, IMO. Why is she the only one in charge here? Sorry to get personal, but you are talking in individual terms here. The way out of this lack of satisfaction is thru talk and counselling–and if they don’t work, moving on–IF it means that much to you.
Where to start? My marriage is ending, so maybe I am not the one to take up the cause here, but I have to say–this is NOT what marriage is about to me. The purposes of marriage are myriad, but I don’t think I have heard it described in such terms. So, under those terms, if your wife is ill or had surgery or disabled in some way and couldn’t have sex for whatever reason, that nulls the contract? I’m sorry, but I think there is a whole lot more here than just a discrepancy in sex drives. Sex won’t improve until those problems are addressed. By concentrating on your lack, you are closing off other avenues of accord–it’s a vicious cycle.
I know. I understand. I sympathize–but it’s up to you to solve your problem. I am not a therapist, but this seems to be obvious to me. Have you talked to your wife? Have you tried counselling? Have you asked her what would make sex better for her? Have you told her, assertively, that you need the bed situation to change? If so and she won’t budge–it’s time for you to make a decision. You are in control of your own life, including your sex life.
Sorry if this sounds lecture-ish. Don’t mean it to.
Because the alternative is rape, an affair or leaving the marriage. It’s her body, therefore she’s in charge of what he does with it. She has something he wants; that puts her in charge.
It does not put her in “charge”–some negotiation is in order to ensure that BOTH parties achieve some acceptable level of satisfaction–be that sexual, emotional, financial, social or whathaveyou. Neither person is entirely in charge of sex/money/security/kids. Are you seriously telling me that you have NO say in your sex lives? Why have you let that happen?
Marital partners are supposed to work together to achieve balance. Not everything is a payoff for one partner–I don’t understand that mindset. If she needed funds and has no source of income and he refuses her access to any money–is that fair? No, of course not.
I am NOT arguing that this woman is “right” to “withhold” sex from her partner. I am saying: 1. each person is responsible for their own sexual satisfaction, and 2. that if said satisfaction is not achieved–especially if this is a problem of longstanding and not just a high risk pregnancy or temporary impotence–complaining about not getting any and berating your spouse is NOT the way to solve the problem. That goes for either gender.
IOW,(and we have come OT)–it is up to EACH partner to try to solve the problem. It may take some talking and talking and talking for the partner to see that there IS a problem. Dissing, whining, denigrating either gender is not the way to go.
Any progress made should be appreciated–not looked at as “well, it’s still not what I want.”
Forgive me, but I am gaining a sense that not a few Dopers here seem to be ruled by their hormones alone. I don’t get the attitude–I get the urge and the strength of the desire, but you are thinking, capable people. Is this age related (IOW, am I talking to teens and twenties?)? It just seems to me that there is much dwelling on the NOT getting and no mention of getting. Do y’all roll over and say, “what have you done for me lately?” (joke).
I don’t have all the answers, or maybe even any answers. I can only tell you what helped me–and it wasn’t a husband kvetching constantly about not getting laid. Until he stopped pressuring me (AND I began to recover from post partum blues AND regained some self-esteem after a devastating diagnosis AND we crawled partially out of the debt hole that he had dug for us–THEN I became sexual again–by that I mean initiating regularly and having fun). 'Course with me, it’s a moot point since we aren’t staying together.
Again, just relating my personal experience–obviously YMMV. If y’all want to just complain about the frigid bitches that don’t put out for you–have at it. But that probably doesn’t belong in GD. I promise I won’t rain on your parade.
