I’m resisting the urge to say “Launch all nukes and watch the fireworks.” <cough>. I’m joking, I’m joking.
Seriously, I’d try and undo damage that Bush has done to the country and the economy. I don’t think I’d be very successful, but with absolute authority, things like the “Patriot Act” go poof. Hopefully they couldn’t be ramrodded through congress again when he resumed the presidency. Note that this is my opinion, and I don’t want to generate a debate on Bush… I know that my comment will probably raise some hackles.
I would free all non-violent drug offenders and legalize marijuana.
I would grab the budget, a red pen, a nice cup of coffee, and go through that thing line by line, crossing out the pork.
I would shut down the Dept of Energy.
I would shut down the Dept of Education and return that power to the states.
I would drill in ANWR.
I would give a $200 million bonus to the first car company that can come up with the technology for us to burn something other than gasoline as fuel. (Then we can stop drilling in ANWR.)
Going to be a very busy 24 hours…Jack Bauer around to keep me awake?
I’d offer unemployed people $5,000 each to sneak up to the houses of every rich, whiny liberal (starting in Hollywood), and ring their doorbells after leaving flaming bags of poop on the stairs.
I’d out-law clowning, and shut down all the clown colleges after mocking degree holders.
I’d institute a tax of $0.25 per can on beer to pay for education.
Assuming ‘complete authority’ means what I hope it means, I’d immediately install myself as dictator of the US and set this nation on the right course.
(holds back laughter)
(face turns red)
PFFFFF!
(wild, maniacal cackling)
Also, I’d release all nonviolent offenders, abolish the death penalty (yes, even for terrorists), legalize a lot of things, subsidize secondary education a lot more than we’re doing now, trim our military down a bit, return a bit of power to the individual state and really push for stricter environmental laws.
I would also give education a big kick in the pants–and I believe this should be mostly regulated by the federal government, with minimal state involvement. The current state of the American school is grim and the quality of education that one can get in, say, Heehawbumblevilleton, Tennessee, is a lot worse than in a larger city with better funding. I’d like to even out the quality of our schools to allow a trapped genius like myself to be better prepared for a job that doesn’t involve coveralls and a balding, overweight boss named Murray.
And I’d put the White House on gimbals. No good reason; I think it’d be funny.
I would call a constitutional convention. Rewrite the 2nd amendment to permit ownership of all semiautomatic weapons for better or worse. Add an amendment to outlaw rider bills. Add a balanced federal budget amendment. Add a amendment outlawing government involvement in the way one uses or abuses one’s body. Add the separation of church and state in wording that even a dumbass could understand.
But whom am I kidding? I would need to become dictator for that the above to go over.
[ul][li]Adopt the UN’s Universal Declaration of Human Rights, except Articles 28-30, because they sound sneaky to me. Append it to the Constitution. Also, rewrite the Constitution, with cross-indices and hyperlinks; it’s getting too confusing.[/li][li]Get rid of the $1 bill and the penny, and order a redesign of remaining bills to make them different sizes.[/li][li]Set aside $1 trillion for merit-based scholarships.[/li][li]Outlaw death penalty, and get all death sentences demoted to life sentences.[/li][li]Abolish the Democratic and Republican parties.[/li][li]Establish a national news network devoted to impartiality, then cut all ties to it.[/li][li]Call up all every girl who ever turned me down for a date and laugh.[/li][li]Annex Canada.[/li][li]Use this one joke I know that only works if the President is telling it on everyone I see.[/li][/ul]
Two words: Martial Law.
As for me, I’d clean out the prisons…via mass executions, using a series of involuntary organ donations and/or gladiatorial games.
Then I’d have several thousand people’s legs broken. I’ll have my agents start with “book burners,” and work their way to “Cable Company Programming Managers.”
I’d wear a T-shirt and Jeans (with a navy-blue blazer) the entire time.
I’d take a day trip to Area 51, just because I could.
And I’d call a joint session of congress. To be attended in the nude. And all the networks have to cover it. Then I’d place a “hot line” call to the President of France, and tell him that he and his country suck, and always will.
Maybe appear in front of the U.N. with representitives of most of the countries that I like, and tell all the other ambassadors that I won’t order their destruction if they “bow down before your masters!” I’d like that.
