Thank you so much for sharing your story, overlyverbose. Congratulations on your recent wedding and I am so glad you had a happy ending/beginning. 
This is the scariest part :eek: From what I have read, it appears it is very common for them to be very sweet and mild-mannered at first, very much like a manic depressive, and go from extreme highs to extreme lows.
It isn’t great news that it took a year to surface, either… thanks again for sharing, though.
If I understand correctly, she asked about someone being “upset”. If I’m not mistaken, it doesn’t necessarily means “angry”.
I damaged inanimate objects twice in my adult life. The first time, I shot arrows at my furniture after a young woman I had been in love with told me she was now dating another guy. The second time, I threw plates and glasses against my walls when my father died.
Apart from that, I think I’m very level-headed. I’ve fits of anger perhaps once every 3-4 years.
I don’t think that having violently kicked a door once is indicative of anything regarding his usual behavior with his lovers.
It worries me, simply because I’ve been there and done that. On the one hand, better the wall than me, on the other hand, better not at all.
Seems funny that the hole is still in the wall (it’s been eleven years) and it’s covered by mirrors. I don’t think the mirror hanger or the hole puncher ever really sees what’s really going on in themselves.
I’d say keep a hint more of an eye out than you would with “dating complete stranger”.
Ah, the tears, as mentioned by overlyverbose. Watch out for that. Those are not tears of sorrow for hurting you, they’re tears of sorry for himself because he’s afraid for what he might lose.
Statistically, once a man hits you, he will again. And again. And shed tears every time.
If she’s told you about this it’s obviously worrying her, and that’s the important thing. Even if there are no overt manifestations of abusive behavior so far, you never can tell what’s simmering just beneath the surface. Maybe couples counseling might be a solution as a “safe” place where she could pose these questions to him, and not feel intimidated. He might be slightly irritated by this request, but if he really cares for her, he should respect her feelings and be willing to participate in improved communication in order to ally her fears.
My ex punched a hole in the wall once during an argument. It was the only time he did it, and he was not an abuser. Just an anecdote…
Maybe the person tied up in the basement just would not put the lotion on its skin. That’s got to get frustrating! So in a fit of rage, he kicked the basement door. Understandable.
My dad once put his fist threw a glass door in anger. But he has never hurt my mum, me, or my brother.
My friend put his fist threw my kitchen door, but has never started a fight in his life, or laid a finger on me.
My uncle has hit both my cousin and my aunty. (My aunty on more then one occasion.) But no holes in any doors.
So holes in doors arn’t necessarily an indicator.
My wife has more than once put her head through a door (or a wall). Heads are fair game against doors. 
I think your friend should keep her doors away from this guy.
My friend had a hole in his bedroom door for a long time. The reason? His hands were full one day and he just kicked at the door (which wasn’t latched shut) to open it. Guess he just kicked a little too hard! (although I didn’t witness this, I was just in another room in the house, and know the emotional context - good humour).
Though if he said someone was upset, I doubt that’s what happened. Just to point out that it isn’t always because of a violent/angry reason!
Thanks for all the responses.
Does anyone think she should be more proactive in trying to find out, other than just being careful?
astro, while counseling might be a good idea if they are together longer and she is still uncomfortable, they have only been dating less than a month and it would just be too early. But I am glad that you pointed out that sometimes our gut instincts should be listened to, even if the facts are not all there.
As far as a way to bring it up, she said when they were talking over the weekend, the subject of the lottery came up, and the truth is that if she ever hit the lottery, she would support battered women’s charities, possibly volunteer at one. She wasn’t sure if she should mention it and see how he took it, and something derailed the conversation before she had a chance to say it anyway, but if it came up again, do you think she should say something?
I don’t think she should put too much in her ability to outsmart this guy. If he is an abuser, he’s likely pretty good at covering it up. Most abusers start out “small”, by pushing or swatting, etc. Even abusive language can be a warning sign.
Forget all that.
I think she should seek some advice from one of the organizations set up just for situations like hers. You’re obviously concerned about her. It would be a shame for your worries and hers to cost her a potentially happy relationship, and it would be terrible for her to get really involved with an abuser.
Good point. You’re probably right, that he would cover up pretty well.
What kind of organization? I have looked at several sites about anger management and domestic violence, but all of them pretty much assume you’re already in the relationship where violence has already occurred. I haven’t found any that are targeted to preventing getting involved. ONE site had a checklist of things to watch for, but it was all very vague. Match.com doesn’t say much about it other than to trust your gut instincts and to protect your information until you feel safe. I guess when it comes down to it, she really isn’t that worried about getting hurt physically - as you said, they typically start small, so the second he does anything violent, she will walk. It was more that she was really infatuated with him before and wishes she could feel that wonderful fairy tale feeling again, so she was hoping for some kind of silver bullet, one action or question which would rule out the worst.