An actually serious thread (doctors/abuse survivors, take note)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I have a little stapled thing fo sheets on child abuse and neglect from a volunteer place I stopped by this past Saturday.

I found it on my roommate’s desk today, back-page up. Lots and lots of notes on it, some “t” and “f” stuff (true/false? It’s a possibility), some of it basic notes and other stuff . . . I don’t know him well enough to be able to tell what it means, but . . . in the event that this is him making notes on his experiences at home, something has to be done. I don’t know that it is him saying “I was abused/neglected by someone in my family”, but I also don’t know enough for that not to be a thought in the back of my mind.

He also left business cards for a person in University Life and one who’s a counselor on his desk. The latter is what makes me think that maybe something’s up.

It could be nothing more than he was sleepy and was having some fun. He’s borrowed my stuff before, so this might just be a case of sleep-writing or something. But I have no idea what to do (beyond contacting these two people whose cards are on his desk) about this. Very little way to make out what’s on the sheets.

His father, my other roommates tell me, came yesterday to take him to a “special institution” because he wasn’t doing well in school.

We’re three weeks into school. Pardon me for being a tad suspicious.

He left his full name, email (school), phone number and SSN (which is also your student ID number at school) on the front of the sheet. There were no blanks for them or any indication that you should put them down.

Anyway. I know from previous threads that sometimes asking people who have been abused if they have, in fact, been abused will get negative reactions and effects. I have no concrete way of knowing this is anything more than “Mike” being weird.

Any suggestions?

2

punha, keep in mind that, if “Mike” has talked to these two people about any of this, they will be unable (due to professional codes of confidentiality) to discuss any of it with you. Even if he hasn’t discussed this per se, if they’ve been counseling him in any way, they might still be unable to discuss any of his situation with you.

Sonny

3

Also, please remember this * could be * a gender thing. Being a female, if I left stuff out that could be seen by my room mate, it ** would ** be telling her ‘ask me, ask me’ about this.

But, guys?? There were six kids in my family, and four of us girls were abused by my father, with my mother’s knowledge and in my case, her help. NO ONE ever said anything until I was newly married and had come home and my second youngest sister had gotten drunk and faced down my mother about the abuse, drawing ME into the discussion. Saying that ‘she’s been abused too.’

I had been, but you know what my reaction was at the time [I was nineteen]? ANGER. ‘How dare you say that, I’ve NEVER said THAT!!’ It wouldn’t be till I had divorced and married again and even had children did I come to grips with the abuse.

You can’t force someone to talk about something this intimate, until they are ready. However, he IS leaving these things out, it sounds like he’s had mental difficulties before. How friendly are you with him?? If not too much so, you could go through the papers in front of him, and start talking about symptoms that kids show: nightmares, panic attacks, depression, and then ask has he ever known anyone who was abused?

Sound very compassionate, and open, and he might respond. If you get a quick NO, [though if he is very animated about saying ‘no’, that might be your ‘yes.’] make it plain that kids aren’t ever at fault for their abuse, though they often feel tremendous guilt, which is ironic, since the abusers usually don’t. THAT way, you’re already showing whose side you’re on, if he ever decides to open up about it.

Good luck,

Judy

4

Thanks Sonny and Anti Pro for the words. my father responded to the email in these words:

“He’s an adult. He can take care of it himself.”

This is interesting in light of the fact that it was my mother who got my father to FINALLY get therapy after being suicidal for so very long (still, at times) and lying, shivering out of fear, on the floor of our house for entirely too long. And presses him to tell his therapist things like “my medication isn’t doing very much” and things of that nature.

So for him to say this . . . I don’t put much stock in it.

I will try to talk to him (his stuff is still in the room, even though he’s gone) about other people . . . and I thought the exact same thing about the animated “no” business . . . that whole “methinks he doth protest too much” bit.

Sigh . . .

5

{{{{{{{{{{{{{** iampunha **}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Except, that HE isn’t an adult in his head, he’s still a scared kid who ran, and hid and can’t get away from the demons * because they are pursuing from within. *

Isn’t it strange that we only have ONE life, of seventy some odd years [if we’re lucky] and we will content ourselves to live it crippled, because the fear of trying to become uncrippled is so much more terrifying???

Orrr, we tell ourselves, ‘hey, this is no big deal, get over it, already.’ And we stuff ourselves with food, sex, or whatever the ‘drug’ of choice happens to be to shove the fear back down, or at least keep our minds occupied with ANYTHING else.

But, honey, all you can do is be brave enough to hold out your hand, don’t blame yourself, if he is still too scared to take it…

Judy

6

My father fortunately isn’t too scared to take if. If he were I’d know a lot more than I do, because part of his coping mechanism is to surround himself with as much of the truth as he can, which means telling those around him a lot of details.

This is at times both horrifying and . . . strangely exciting. I very much doubt the words exist to describe the emotions during hearing your father tell you about how his father used to stand naked in the house and outright refuse to get dressed.

My roommate, it seems, is bipolar. On the one hand I’m glad, because now the writing (very frantic and hurried, from one angle at least) looks like it may well have been done in a manic episode and not a “Oh my God this all happened to me . . . now I’m remembering all those terrible nights!”.

On the other hand I’m fucking petrified. This guy apparently used to get by on his highs and just outlast his lows. How he’ll manage with this “constant” no longer being such is beyond me. I’ve been a therapist (unofficially and not in a medical sense; I counseled a girl through confronting her abusive father and she’s now living happily with her mother.) but it was frighteningly familiar territory. I don’t have this kind of experience with bipolarity.

So while it would appear that he was not a victim of an abusive parent, he has this to deal with.

Having seen both demons at work I’m honestly not sure which is worse, in the grand scheme of things.

7

Man, that’s serious stuff. I’m sorry he and you are having to go through this. Him, obviously because any mental illness is a very bad thing to have to deal with, and you, because you obviously care and want him to be okay. (This doesn’t surprise me, because you’ve shown yourself to be a very caring person so many times on this board…) Anyway, good thoughts and vibes heading toward your dorm room and all human inhabitants thereof (if any of the inhabitants of the dorm aren’t human, I don’t wanna know…:D)

8

You know, I don’t mean to sound critical of your dad. It is ONE thing to tell your children that you were abused, with my own sons, it helped them better understand mom being just a tad overprotective with checking people out who had dealings with them!

But, you CAN give too much information, overwhelming a child, and making THEM more of a parent. These kids usually grow up being ‘fixers’ attracted to people who will drain them emotionally dry, not knowing how to have a healthy, balanced relationship.

You sound compassionate and very caring, which probably DOES stem from your past. I just hope you’re careful with yourself too… I would hate to hear that you were ‘burnt out’ from extending yourself so much without adequate refilling from healthy people in your life. K?

**
[QUOTE}
My roommate, it seems, is bipolar.
Having seen both demons at work I’m honestly not sure which is worse, in the grand scheme of things. **[/QUOTE]

Well, there really ISN’T any medicine you can take to get over a close family member sexually abusing you. Resulting in difficulty with establishing boundaries/trust in the future.

Bi-polar, with faithful following of his meds, he ought to even out, which CAN be a problem, since most bi’s that I’ve known LIKE the highs so much, they are chaotic with their medicines. Gradiosity can travel with that, ‘I’m cured, no more drugs for me, man!’

I suppose in the end, most of us are ‘crippled’ in one form or another. It is in how we deal with it in ourselves, and how quick we are to be gentle with those around us that makes the ‘trip’ a tad more interesting!

Your friend, has a good friend in you, though, I’m sure he already knows that.

9

Bingo. That’s my problem. I love fixing people. I love knowing that people’s lives are better because of me.

Then they no longer need me and I move on.

It’s painful, but it’s also surprisingly easy to learn to block that pain.

Then I won’t say I have been:) This place does a decent job of filling me up, but one sentence from any number of people can drain me.

Rollercoasters can be lots of fun. Terrifically scary, too. I just have to watch out that I don’t ride them too much to get used to them, because the more I get used to them the more little kinks throw me off.

Well, other than this one I’ve known since May . . . we ride a lot together. Very fun, and lets me go as fast or slow as I want. Non-traditional beauty. Some of my friends have ridden her, too.

10

It pains me to read this, though I think I guessed it already. I hope one day, maybe when you’ve had enough of just ‘fixing’ that you’ll find someone that can help you with the deeper things in your heart. I have a feeling that ‘in blocking that pain’ is a defense that becomes so ingrained that it is difficult to stop. Roller coasters can be fun, but only if you’re REALLY making a choice to be on them. Not just because they are familiar and actually less risk than finding a ride that can have thrills AND peace.

And from your quip to TroubleAgain, I DO mean the spelling of ‘peace’. No funny stuff young man!! :wink:

11

Um, Anti Pro, I’m a chick…and I guess I got misinterpreted there by both you and iampunha. :eek: I was talking about critters…you know, varmints…not THAT!!! :o (Although that interpretation is a LOT funnier…)

12

Punha, this sounds a lot like my brother. Both of us suffered at the hands of my father, but he is bipolar and was in and out of mental insitutions when I was growing up, back when they called it “manic depression.” He tried medication, drugs (particularly heroin, pot, and downers), and therapy, but only now, at the age of 23, is he getting his life on track.

It’s strange to say that we suffered the same abuse and are two completely different people, because honestly, as much as he has tried to explain his illness to me, I cannot understand.

But I do know this: he wants help. He came forward to my mom with his well-hid drug addiction. (He was in jail for possession of heroin and she still believed he was clean). He asked for a doctor and real medication. He told he might need to go to rehab, and that he really wanted to get his life back on track. He told me the same, and struggled time and again to put his disease into words for me. Sadly, I can’t imagine what it’s like, but I know that he ardently wants help.

So I suggest talking to your roommate. Don’t be confrontational. Ask him an open-ended question, like “I saw this pamphlet… Is there maybe something you want to talk about with me?” If he refuses, tell him flat-out that he can come to you anytime he wants to talk. If he does open up, make him some coffee and listen. Really, really listen. Let him tell you everything, and listen. Then it’s up to you to decide what advice to give him. As Anti Pro said, let him know that none of this is his fault. not the abuse or being bipolar. Make it clear that there are people who can help him, and you will hold his hand if need be.

Best of luck, Paddy. I know from meeting you that you have a very big, generous heart, so I’m confident that you will be able to help him.

13

Welp, I * could say * you’d have to know about ‘critters’ being a “chick”, but I’ll leave THAT alone. You’re right, I DID put the more sexual connotation on your comment… but, picturing you as Ellie Mae now makes this a more G rated show! :wink:

14

It’s been my experience that blocked pain always comes back later. Usually with a vengeance. May you learn that as gently as possible.

One of the pithier things I try (with some difficulty, I’m a stubborn cuss) to live by these days is: to heal, you must feel. No way around that, really.

Best of luck, and best wishes to your roomie, whatever the situation turns out to be.

15

You might want to talk to somebody in the counselling service of your school about how to deal with a roommate who is bipolar and may have other serious issues. I know that when a good friend of mine was diagnosed with severe depression and was making life very difficult for her friends, we had a big meeting discussing it with the Health Services people and they were very helpful.

16

Unfortunately I do not have the time I wished I had to devote to this thread, or the subjects presented in it (as my lack of recent posting shows:D).

Blocked pain comes back, oh yes, Drastic. But remember you’re dealing with someone who lived very much for the moment: “how do I escape this right now, and maybe it won’t come back again?” The present was painful (never thought I’d type THAT . . .), and I was there. And the future wasn’t. When you have a way to feel better now, and you’re me, you generally do it and just . . . ah, but that’s getting deeper into my psyche on this board than I think is recommended:)

He isn’t, by the way, back yet. The RA of my apartment said something to my other housemates about him being back this past weekend, but the guys who heard that saw he was just saying it so he’d have something to tell us. I think he’s in a mental hospital, which probably means they’re playing around with meds, and we all (well, most of us) know how long THAT can take.

Anti Pro: from what I have been able to learn of myself, that desire to fix people probably will never completely subside. Gives me a sense of control, if anything, and that’s very useful. Especially when people are trying to fix you without your permission:)

[sub]That isn’t happening here, but it does happen elsewhere.[/sub]

And hey, the roller coasters are a free ride. Take enough of them and ya barely notice:)

17

Ellie Mae. That’s hilarious. My husband calls me that sometimes because of my tendency to “pick up strays”. I loves my critters…:wink:

18

I feel for your friend in a large way (and of course, for you as his friend). I am trying to adjust to a new dosage of Serzone (for anxiety) myself and it makes me dizzy a lot until I get used to a new dose. But my (non-bipolar) roller-coaster ride is on the upswing again…