Thanks for the thought - actually, I’m a third-generation ice cream professional. And a fan of NY Super Fudge Chunk…
The cable news channels have latched onto the latest “blonde coed death”. If this was a minority girl at some backwater college, we’d never hear about it on national news. Not to take away the devastating impact this has on her family, but we just seem to have to have a “blonde coed death” in the news.
Dear co-worker: If you have enough social skills to understand that you need to put on pants before coming to work, you understand our* customs well enough to understand that flossing your teeth at your desk is simply fucking disgusting. I really didn’t need to see that as I walked in, and I do not look forward to seeing your next step-saving efforts. I mean, really - are you going to shit in the trash can to spare yourself the 50-yard trip to the bathroom?
*and by “us/our” I mean “people in the city where you grew up and where you now work”
As angry of a person as I am, I don’t actually like being a hardass. Basically saying “this is your job, not mine” or “I didn’t screw this up, so no, I’m not going to just fix it for you” makes my stomach hurt and gives me a good thrust of anxiety. But, goddammit. I didn’t screw this up, and no, I’m not going to “just call him”. You have the tools to solve this problem. It was your project to begin with. No, I’m not going to take care of your fuck up.
(Now, 'scuse me while I go slug some 7-Up for my tummy.)
I HAVE HAD A DAY OF SMOLDERING RAGE and it’s not going to get better until I’m home, which won’t be for hours yet.
It was firmly clinched this morning by the fucking cunt on the bus who didn’t look behind her when she stood up to get another guy out of his seat, with the end result that she stomped on my foot with the heel of her, um, heels when she backed up. Fuck you, bitch. I hope you broke your ankle when you got off the bus.
You know, they’re not really factual questions; they work just as well if you think of them as code phrases and countersigns:
What is your wife’s maiden name?
The eagle flies at midnight
What was the name of your favorite pet?
The fat man has no bones.
Where did you spend your honeymoon?
Let me into my goddamned account.
Really? Seriously? I can just bitch about all the stuff I’m pissed off about today?
Well, been trying to buy some of our normal stuff from our local salesman, I haven’t seen him in a year. So I made some calls, he calls me today and asks why I threw him under the bus. Sorry dude, but there is always cold beer here when you stop, you may not make a big nut off of me, but I’m good for a few hundred bucks in your pocket a year, AND you get free beer, just bring me my shit.
I’ve been at work for 3 fuckin’ days, my balls stink, I want to go home and take a shower and hang out with the old lady (don’t tell her I said ‘old’). I might even take a 3 day weekend, the boss can go fuck himself. Unfortunately that happens to be me and I might enjoy it.
Every single damn thing I’ve touched today I’ve lost. Pens, Sharpies, pads, calipers, files, other random tools. Looking for a damn file that I JUST HAD, cut my favorite middle finger straight down the end right to the bone, again. Blood everywhere. Stupid ass puppy will eat cat shit all day, but wont’ lick up fricken blood, now the damn floor needs to be mopped.
If I’m allowed to go back a few days. About to leave the house Monday morning and the fucking dog, (not the fuckin’ puppy) got into a knocked over bowl of catfood during the night, ate the whole goddamn thing and probably some cat shit encrusted in cat litter and probably ate at least one hairball (<-- another rant entirely). So, just about to leave the house and BLECHHHHHHHH, all over the fucking living room carpet, and then BlaaaaaCHHchchch, another giant puddle of puke. Grab the dog, and head her toward the back door, let go of her since she seemed better to open the door and then BLAAAACCCHHHH, all over the front room carpet, and the puppy gets all happy, starts dancing in it and then starts eating it.
One puppy toss and one big dog toss later, I settle down to clean up pukey puppy footprints and 3 giants steaming piles of dog puke, and Mr PukeyHairBalls decides that he should start eating his catfood after it has already been half digested.
45 minutes of my life and an entire roll of paper towels wasted.
It’s still FREAKING snowing.
So sick of this. Can’t take the kids out to the park. Soccer for the girl is no doubt cancelled again. My tulips are frozen solid. Grrrrr.
Thanks - we’re supposed to get snow tomorrow.
Friggin whee.
Annoyingly slow walkers who insist on walking four abreast on a public street…
Worse, cyclists who pedal on sidewalks. Get on the road, jerk-offs.
I am hereby officially envious.
I’m tired of salespeople forcing me to see them/talk to them in person in order to close the deal. Look, in this case, it really is about price. Your competitor is equivalent. I don’t want to have to come down to take a tour or call you on the phone.
Yesterday I was told that I could get a two week free trial membership at my sister’s gym because she is a member. But I can only get it if I come in for a tour. Whatever. It’s a gym. Do they massage you as you’re on the treadmill? No? Then what new-fangleld anything do you have that the Y doesn’t have? Hell, the Y has a pool!
Whatever. Go do the worthless tour. Then I’m pushed to sign up now and get rude pushback from the GM when I say I would like to do a two week trial and then sign up in June. Nope.
Ok, then. You’re now losing a year’s worth of revenue because you won’t give me two weeks. Plus you’re pushing a trainer on me when my goal is very specific, very small, and I’d do it by walking around the block in my neighborhood if I didn’t have shitty allergies. See ya.
Submitted a quote request to Allstate for car insurance. They were slightly cheaper than who I have now. Get an email back over a week later saying there may be some discounts I qualify for that I missed. Call me to discuss.
Nope. If you can’t get your info via email, then I’ll just stay where I am. I’m not in the mood to be pitched. Just tell me how much you will charge me and let’s get on with it.
I think I’m a pretty straight-forward customer. I’ve already done some research, I know what I want. I want, also, to give you money. But if you are going to make it annoying for me, I’m going to your competitor.
It’s less glamorous than what you’re probably thinking, trust me; it means that my grandparents had a little soda fountain shop, and my dad and aunt worked there as teenagers. And I scooped locally in high school (grandparents’ shop was ~ 800 miles away, plus they had retired by then).
I did just make a fabulous pineapple/rum sorbet in my home ice cream maker, though. 
Where is a :beg: smiley when you need one?
For the third time this calendar year, I awoke with my throat on fire and drenched with sweat. Last time I had a cold for two weeks. Yeah, it’s because I’m stressed to the gills. But it’s getting tiresome. Now I’m doing laundry again while sitting at home twitching, tired and listening to my stomach growl while my throat goes “no food please, it won’t be pleasant”.
Someone needs a little R&R. Take it easy, man.
Dear other pregnant women (yes, most of my rants are about this right now, sorry):
Stop asking for tricks to pass your gestational diabetes test. If you don’t have it, you’ll pass. Worst case, if you don’t have it, is you’ll fail the 1-hour test by just a little, then pass the 3 hour test.
Passing due to fasting, eating only veggies for a few days, etc., is stupid. If you do have GD, it needs to be treated. Pretending you don’t have it doesn’t mean it magically won’t cause issues.
Don’t be an idiot.
What is it with the avalanche of spam I’m getting in the last couple of weeks for designer watch knockoffs? Did I get on some sucker list of people who weally weally want a Wolex?
I am now pissed off at **badbadrubberpiggy **for reminding me why I hate people.
Just stop on by the next time you’re in the neighborhood, and you’re welcome to some. Move fast if you want some from this batch, though!
Recipe is simple, if you want to try it at home; it’s basically one very ripe pineapple blended in a food processor with one cup of sugar and a couple tablespoons of rum, and then frozen in an ice cream maker. If you don’t have an ice cream maker, you can freeze it in ice cube trays, pop the cubes into the blender, and then re-freeze until you get the texture you want, but that’s a pain in the neck.