There’ve been at least five Flashes, depending on how you count. Iterations one & two were frankly geniuses. I don’t really have a point.
A lack of monkeys is a good thing when it’s raining. You ever smell a wet monkey?
I am quite happy not to have monkeys in my life.
Was reading a horribly bad “news” story this morning about the harm that robots could do in people’s homes because some grade A morons had run some tests with robots and blades and …surprise surprise, a moving robot with a blade could hurt you! I turned to my boss and said “A monkey with a blade could hurt you too. What idiot thinks this is news?”
But… what about the First Law?
Living things do not make good surprise gifts. This includes plants. Yeah, the ones I said I was going to grow. The ones you knew I ordered months in advance for spring planting, measured out beds for, enriched soil for and generally had time to fucking prepare for.
Thanks so much for the “gift” of spares I didn’t want or request, don’t have space for, will have to buy materials for, and will have to dig holes for in shitty soil during a 90+ degree summer.
For the dozenth time, the thought only counts if you actually put thought into the gift.
Late, but honorable mention:
I pit/ am pissed off at the lady who called me at my company so I could do her daughters homework for her, because her daughter was too busy with after-school activities to study & get the answers from her books. Yes, it was the daughter who was assigned the homework, and who promptly pawned it off on her mother, who promptly pawned it off onto me.
What I wish I was allowed to say:
"Why Yes, thats the formula for converting CCF into BTUs. My I have the name of the teacher who assigned the assignment? Oh no reason. I’d just like to send her a thank you note along with my sincere hopes that she fails your daughter the way that she richly deserves. "
Wait…what is your job, that this happens to you?
Can you just do it really badly? 
Thank god I listened to Sam Waterston and bought robot insurance.
Dear Entitlement Bitch -
When someone (me) points out that it is illegal to park in a handicapped spot if you don’t have a handicapped plate or hanger, you don’t make yourself look any less entitled by yelling about how you only parked there because your grandmother is handicapped, and you were hardly there for any time, and what would I know about how haaaard it is to take care of grandma, a toddler and a baby!!! Going on to claim that I have to have a special license plate to use those spots (I don’t and you didn’t have one anyway) and besides I don’t look handicapped, so I don’t need the spot as much as Grandma (if she is that bad off, where is her hanger?) just makes you look worse.
All this because I was feeling grumpy and said something, instead of calling the police or security. Sheesh
Thanks!
I have monkeys in my life and some of them are pissing me off! There is a group of migrating males called the ‘Lost Boys’ and they just run all around the forest, making us get up at ridiculous hours and drink insane amounts of water to prevent dehydration. And, even though there are eight of them, most of them are subadults (including two juvies who have no business migrating) and, because they are so young, they get scared of males in other groups, even when those groups only consist of two adult males (and one of those males is missing a hand)! YOU HAVE THREE ADULT MALES! KICK SOME FUCKING ASS AND MIGRATE ALREADY! And NOT to the group that loves hopping back and forth over crocodile-infested waters when they aren’t running around a hellish territory composed of vine and bamboo infested hills pockmarked by huge cliffs.
I do love my monkeys most of the time, but sometimes, I just want to strangle their little necks.
“I’ll take ‘Questions that need to be asked in a PM’ for $100, Alex.”
No bills involved, but my bro has been going to the doctor for ear trouble. He got there a bit early and after chatting a bit with the other patients, figured the doc was running late. After some time, the nurse calls up a patient group including me. Bro assured the nurse that my ears are fine, serious, they had listed the wrong sibling…
Yeah, we have an unusual lastname. But there’s nine people in town with the same one, please make sure you grab the right medical history! I’d rather not get “assigned” the Alzheimer’s of one of us and the bad kidney of another, and I’ll get mighty pissed if someone wants to check my prostate.
It’s snowing like it’s New Years Eve outside right now, though it’s not going to last long, the sun is coming out in the west. But it sure looks bad! I hope the temperature at least stays above freezing tonight, Mr. Sali planted a bed of oriental lillies just coming up, and he is beside himself
Sending warm thoughts your way - I don’t have my new beds made or planted yet, so I only have a couple of plants to worry about. I’m hoping that all the new growth on the trees and shrubs here aren’t all frost killed.
ETA: After this spring, I’m thinking about looking into proper frost blankets.
I am pissed off because it is my first fucking Mothers Day and my husband scheduled himelf to work a 12 hour day. He is the head of his department, and makes his own schedule, but still even after I pointed out that it is mothers day chose to work today. He didn’t even get me a card. The only thing he left for me is a huge fucking mess in the kitchen that I have to clean up. I wasn’t asking for much, I even told him that for Mothers day a hanging plant would be lovely. Or even saying happy mothers day would have been a first step.
I knew that today would suck so yesterday I treated myself to a haircut. I came out looking like Linda from the Wedding Singer, but I didn’t have enought time to make the hairdresser fix it, and really I don’t want her anywhere near my hair ever again. To top it off I wont have time without a baby to get it fixed for about two weeks. I am embarresed to even leave the house, but luckely enough I have to every day this week. Its a good think it is freaken SNOWING right now so I can at least wear a touque!
Bah Humbug!
To my friends back East- look, bitches, you need to stop texting me at 5 am. Just because it’s 8 am there and your day is in full swing, doesn’t mean I’m not still snoring in a dark room. I use my phone as an alarm clock, but I don’t want to be awake at 5! I would tell you to your face, but I know some of you will be all “I just won’t text you anymore then!” and you don’t need to be like that. Just wait a couple more hours! Damn!
Text them at 11pm your time. After all, YOU are still awake, right?
That might work, except I go to bed ridiculously early.