Canvas Shoes, you do realize that any and all of those things could happen with her home, don’t you? And that the ambulance wouldn’t get there any faster? The fact that they’re far from a hospital isn’t really such a factor, unless you’re actively looking for reasons not to go to work.
And, frankly, that’s kind of what it seems like she’s doing. There are probably ways around every single one of her objections, if she is willing to look for them. However, she doesn’t appear to be willing to look for them, at least not very hard. Her sum total of effort toward this appears to be applying for one job, and asking one friend if she could watch the kids, then sighing about how she can’t go to work. She hasn’t explored options for low-cost childcare like after-school programs or teenagers or area housewives who might not be her buddies. She hasn’t gone looking for other part-time jobs like cashiering at the store up the road. She hasn’t gone looking for WAH options. She doesn’t even seem to have gathered any hard numbers to bolster her argument about why it’s not feasible right now for her to go to work or school. There are ways to do damn near anything if you want it bad enough, but she pretty clearly doesn’t want it.
I’m not saying this is a good thing or a bad thing–desires (or lack of them) that don’t hurt other people are pretty much neutral in my book. I’m just saying that a lot of her issues here are not the insurmountable obstacles they’re being portrayed as.
And yes, her posts smack of the willfull helplessness that IDBB drove everyone batshit with. We all know and hate the pattern of posts:
Poster A: Oh, I have so many problems. I wish I could do something about them, but there’s nothing for me to do.
Straight Dope: Well, have you considered [option A]? Or how about [option B]? There’s also [option C].
PA: Oh, no, I couldn’t do those things, because [insert excuse here]. Oh, woe is me, for there is no solution to my problems.
SD: Well, actually, there are several solutions, but you’re not willing to try any of them. What about [option D]?
PA: Alas, I cannot do that. Woe is me.
SD: For Og’s sake, put up or shut up.
Evenually, we get to the shortened version:
PA: Oh, I have so many problems. I wish I could do something about my problems.
SD: Oh, shut the fuck up, you whiny-ass bitch.
I would really hate to see this pattern repeat itself with Dragongirl, but I think she’s starting to edge into that territory. She complains, we offer suggestions that she won’t implement for various reasons, rinse and repeat. It hasn’t turned into quite the constant litany of “Oh, my life sucks and I can’t do anything about it” that we were bombarded with in the days of IDBB, but I think the potential is definitely there.
Dragongirl, I know there used to be something good between you and your husband. However, like the old song says, the good times are really over for good. There is nothing positive for you in this marriage any longer, and there never will be again, short of him having an attitude-altering near-death experience. In addition, staying in this marriage is harmful for your children. They’re absorbing the idea that it’s okay for a man to treat a woman like something he scraped off the bottom of his shoe, provided he doesn’t hit her. Kids grow up to live what they learn. Is that what you want for them? Is it? Think about the way you feel most of the time, how lonely you are and how much you hurt. Do you want your daughter to go through life feeling like that? You want to be a good mother, get your kids the hell out of that house RIGHT NOW.
I’ve only really got one point to make, and it has been made before but in a slightly different manner, so here goes.
In general, within a marriage, if there is more you could be doing, then there is more you should be doing. If there is downtime during the day when the kids are at school then it is worthwile to dedicate this time to advancing the family’s position. If that be financially by working(in whatever capacity you can, home-based business, etc), or in some other manner(studying to improve yourself and your skill base, perhaps via online home-study courses) then that time should be turned towards some activity which benefits the family or members thereof. Marriages work best when both members put as much into it as possible, not just the minimum necessary. The question to ask isn’t “am I doing enough?” it is “am I doing as much as I could?”
dragongirl, if you do have the ability to do more than you do right now then I think it would be a good idea to put this downtime to use. Chart your activity levels for a week or two, find out when you have available time, look over ways to make productive use of that time. Make sure you allocate some time for yourself so you don’t burn out or try to do too much. Then do it. It won’t impact your husband because you are specifically not bumping any of your current activities, you’re just adding to them to take up some of your admitted extra work potential. I agree that it would be unfair for him to request work from you which is beyond your current available downtime, necessitating the shifting of some housework onto someone else. I don’t think it is unfair to ask for more when the ability to give more is there. Possibly jerkish, especially if the motivation is as rediculous as “a co-worker said you should be working”. Almost certainly jerkish if he also has extra capacity he could be using to advance the family’s position and he would just rather use your downtime rather than give up his.
Still, the basic premise holds. If there is more you can be doing for your family, then it will generally be better for you to do more.
dragongirl, if you end up with a minimum wage job and you have to pay for childcare and transportation, you will be working to make money to go to work. This is why I think you should go to school to get at least a 2-year degree. Definitely look into Penn State Worthington Scranton; most of their students have kids and they have lots of money to throw around in scholarships. At least go there and make an appointment to see about work-study, scholarships and financial aid.
Also, there’s employment agency in the Scranton area that a lot of students were using to get data entry work that paid well above minimum wage. I used it, and so did a few classmates. I cannot remember the name of the place, but I’ll do some research.
Just for clarification…I am not arguing, nor will I ever argue, that Dragongirl’s children SHOULD be left home alone. I don’t know her kids and they may not be that responsible (and from the reading between the lines I’ve done - one child with some developmental delays, both children who don’t make their own breakfast - btw I think someone asked, these tidbits are coming from some other threads - some of us have been following Dragongirl’s saga for a while - I’d guess it wouldn’t be a good idea in her case). I’ve been addressing the more general premise that it is illegal to leave children that age home alone, or that it is always irresponsible. It is certainly illegal in some cases, and certainly irresponsible in others. But every parent who has a latchkey nine year old is not behaving irresponsibly or illegally.
If you are near a semi-metropolitan area, you need to look into temping. Not only can you tell the agency when you’re available to work (and not available) but a lot of places will also train you for free. Obviously you know how to use a computer. If you can type, that qualifies you for a lot of secretarial work. There are also jobs for people who don’t want to type. You want summers off? Not a problem. Want the last 2 weeks of the year off? Not a problem. You may work every week you’re available or you may not work for weeks on end depending on the job market. The great thing about temping is that it will: a) give you some much needed self-esteem; b) give you some connections if you ever need a full-time job; and c) may get your husband off your back about getting a job.
Alternative #2: You might also be surprised at the number of employees who will be flexible with you as far as summers off. Fast food restaurants, for instance, are desperate for workers during the school year when kids go back to school. Be upfront about what schedule you can work (if you only want to work 9 to 3 on Tuesdays and Thursdays, tell them that) and perhaps a manager will work with you. Or apply now to start when the kids go back to school and quit if they won’t let you have reduced summer hours. These kind of jobs are a dime a dozen and they’re in such short supply of labor that come fall you should have your pick of places. Either way, once the kids are in school, any money you make is money in your pocket.
No matter which route you take, what is abundantly clear, dragongirl, is that status quo ain’t status quo anymore. People are so resistant to change, even when things are crappy. Quit resisting because things have changed, whether you wanted them to change or not.
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Originally Posted by CanvasShoes
Again, leaving aside for the moment that the OP is in a bad situation emotionally, and it may be best for her and her kids if she did leave, Dragongirl IS contributing to the family’s AND her husband’s wellbeing, both financially, and in all the the other tasks she performs besides cooking and cleaning. She pays the bills, makes the phone calls, I’d wager she’s the one who chooses and buys all the presents and cards for holidays for both her family AND her husband’s and so on.
With both people working outside the home, a lot of those things either wouldn’t get done, or someone would have to be paid to do them.
J
Well, first of all remember, I AGREE with most where dragongirl’s specific situation is concerned. But I was also commenting on a separate issue, that of people who are SAHPs in other situations.
I don’t know what it is dragongirl’s needs to actually do about her situation, like everyone else, I’ve merely given my best guess to her. But again, as she said in the OP, it is NOT that her hubby is worried about them needing the money, it’s about his personal ego problems.
Well, it sounds as if your mom and dad worked TOGETHER, and I’ll bet they liked and respected each other. That doesn’t sound as if that’s what’s happening here, that is, a need for them to readjust. If it had been, he’d have been human about it and said something to the effect of “hon? you know, we need to reassess our original agreement”. Not the assholish and “you need to get a job, but don’t expect ME to raise a finger to help you, and when you Do get a job, it had better not inconvenience ME any” bullshit he did lay on her.
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Then, there’s the cost of another vehicle for the second working person, it’s upkeep, tires, gasoline, insurance, car payments and so on. The cost of a work wardrobe for the second working person. There is the cost for lunches for that person. There is the cost for daycare, for even if the kids are in school, school only lasts until what? 2 or 3 pm? How do the kids get from school to daycare after school? And that’s not even to mention summer when there is no school.
Yes, I realize that, which is why, when the several people who’ve outlined this, including me have said it, we made sure we said that it was what the couple involved decided. And that that was the reason stated, that for the couple, it would cost more money for the SAHP to work than if they stayed home.
Yes, I realize that dragongirl’s case is different than that, she is NOT currently getting that kind of teamwork/cooperation from her husband. And if she does decide to leave, then yes, she will have to face working as a single parent (I"m pretty sure I said this in my previous post already).
Again, my complaints about the “is it viable to stay at home” weren’t directed at dragongirl’s situation.
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Now maybe in some states the “legal to be left alone age” is 9 or 10. I know that in a lot of states it’s 12.
? I was answering another’s post regarding it being perfectly fine to leave kids alone at that age, and 27 miles from civilization, and that to think otherwise was “overprotective”.
Again, not just her specific case.
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A lot of the time, the costs for the second person to go to work outweighs the income they’d be getting to go to work. And her husband has already made it clear that she has to go to work without HIM having to take on any of “her” duties.
Well, you might have gotten THAT the first million times, but apparently you haven’t read that in THAT particular argument I was addressing the “parents with kids of a certain age should go to work” argument and NOT just specifically dragongirl’s case.
??? What are you talking about? Where did I say anything about her having a diploma? At any rate, yes, it IS her problem, and her responsibility, in her CURRENT (that is married to a breadwinner, supposed father), to her kids is to NOT leave them alone, in a house 27 miles from emergency services.
And no, it’s not “HER” problem. If that’s where her husband wants to live. I have no doubt that if she does happen to have to leave him, she’ll likely go where the jobs, daycare assistance, and other help to get out of her hole are. And IF she goes that route, then that is a separate issue. At that point, then she’ll pursue other courses of action.
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Right, but she also stated that the problem in her particular case wasn’t the money, it was that his ego was being “threatened” due to peer pressure. After all, it sounds as if she IS making money by working from home. He didn’t state that she needed to make more, which I’ll bet she could by doing more projects. I have lusted after some of those home done quilts and afgans myself, they’re SPENDY suckers. But HIS problem is that he wants her to get a JOB.
Um, no, actually I’m getting it from a few other posters who suggested that, and from the OP who confirmed that that might be it. You know, on the first pages of the thread?
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As in outside the home. I have absolutely NO gripe with the fact that the SAHP may need to contribute financially as he/she is able once the kids get older. I just don’t see why it seems to be a given, in more general cases than Dragongirl’s, that "welp, kids are grown, get out and work now that you’ve done a thankless 24/7 job for the last 10-12 years, OH, and don’t expect ME, the (dramatic entitled pause) “working” parent to pitch in and do “your work” either. After all, I “supported” you all those years.
I don’t think it IS a given, nor do I think it should be, what I’m talking about it the posts of a few that suggest that "well, your (not meaning dragongirl’s , but SAHPs in general) kids are X age, shouldn’t you be looking for a job?. THAT is what I was complaining against, NOT the fact that dragongirl may have to get one herSELF.
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If the working parent is willing to take on extra responsiblities at home, or to pay to have those things done, in a cheerful willing manner, that’s one thing, but I really bristle at the idea that these folks have been somehow been “being taken care of” and contributing little other than raising kids.
Well, as I said, I myself am a working parent. I wouldn’t be able to handle staying at home. However, I support others freedom to make their own choices and to accept that they have viable reasons without looking down on them as seems to be done frequently to SAHPs.
Again, just because they’re not caring for small children doesn’t mean that they are not doing valuable work in the home for the family. I know from my own experiences being a working parent, it gets pretty damned exhausting to have to do EVERYTHING. Having a 'wife" one who ran the kids to football practice, picked up the cleaning, shopped, cleaned, payed billls, did all the errands, arranged for repair, (or did it themselves), and so on and so on, would have been awesome.
Those things ARE valuable contributions. Basically the person is filling the role of a personal assistant (and they get paid damn wel out in the world by the way), only for 3 or 4 people. People just seem to act like once the kids are in school, all that other stuff counts for nothing.
Who said anything about sympathy? Did I SAY "oh pooooor SAHPs? " No. I was disagreeing with a previous statement/iinsinuation that once kids are in school, or some arbitraty age, that the parents were obligated to work. I disagree. I think that there are still many valuable contributions, including, AS I have said many times, making income in the home, that they can make without working outside the home. This post is further back in the thread. It’s not like you not to read most of the thread. ?? I’m surprised you didn’t see this when I’ve said just that in several previous posts.
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Really good suggestion, I know that subsitute teachers make okay money, and for the 6th and 7th grade level (at least for me) it’s not too bad a job. In my area it’s between 3 to 6 hours a day, and pays 50 to 70 per day.
I only know about two states so that could be true. I know in Alaska you don’t, nor do you in Texas.
CanvasShoes, I think we are miscommunicating or something. A lot of my comments weren’t really in response to what you were saying (even though it appears that way) but more like general comments about dragongirl’s situation. I’m commenting specifically on the OP while you seem to be providing commentary about SAHPing, in general. I really don’t think we’re in that much disagreement.
Like this:
You are really argumentative here. I did not say you said anything. I was simply explaining why I think people aren’t very understanding about SAHPing.
This was a thought that just came to mind, not because of anything you had said.
It seems to me that the thing keeping her from working (in addition to day care costs) are transportation costs. If she lived within ten miles of a business area, the cost-effectiveness of working would be greatly improved. She could get a job, save something for her own education and for the household, and still be close to home.
dragongirl, I know everyone seems to be rallying for “leaving the jerk”. But if this is not something you’re ready to do, is it possible that you could convince your husband to move the family so that you wouldn’t be so isolated? If he wants you to get a job so bad, can you make moving out of the country a condition for working?. And if he doesn’t want to compromise, then he can just shut the hell up.
OK, I understand now. You’re saying that people should just butt out, right? That the decision for a SAHM to stay at home should be a decision between her and her husband? I agree with this 100%.
dragongirl, just in case you missed it, someone had a really good idea back there before this train jumped the tracks.
My sister lost her housekeeper a few months ago (yeah, I actually have a sister who can afford a housekeeper. Go figure. My niece has a nanny, too. Both of these things are not only a first in my family, but downright jaw-dropping. Not that the rest of us are uneducated deadbeats or anything, but we are sincerely non-plussed by the idea that anyone in our family has either of those things. And also the next thing, too…a GARDENER! Oh, and I am not suggesting in any way shape or form that being a SAHM makes you a deadbeat, undeducated or anything like that. Since that isn’t what I mean, and my heavens this thread is making me nervous about posting…) and my nephew lost his gardener.
My sister is losing her mind trying to FIND another housekeeper, and my nephew is having similar problems finding a gardener. Everyone (sister, BIL, nephew and wife, niece and husband) works far too many hours, which I guess is why they can afford A) A housekeeper and B) a Gardener. And things are getting a little tense along the way, what with the lack of people who are willing to even DO these jobs…let alone do them WELL.
They would let said housekeeper and gardener work any hours they wanted to, if they could just FIND anyone willing and able to DO it.
So…maybe you should look into one of these professions? From what I have seen, you could make a lot of money in either of these jobs. And on your own schedule. You sound like someone who could work this out while the kids are in school, maybe?
As far as your husband is concerned, I am keeping my mouth shut. But I do think (there I go, sorry…) that you might think about this joke I got emailed to me awhile ago.
This guy came home from work to find the kid’s bikes lying in the driveway, toys all over the yard. He went into the house and it was a WRECK! Clothes strewn all over the place, the kitchen had dirty dishes piled into the sink, on the counters and so forth and so on. He started getting concerned and ran up the steps to his bedroom, where he found his wife lying on the bed reading a book. “HONEY! I was worried…what’s wrong?”
“Nothing, why?” she said.
“Well, honey…the house looks like a hurricane hit it, the yard is the same, and the kids are beating on each other out in the back yard!!! Are you sick?”
“No”, she said. “You know how you are always wondering what I DO all day while you are out working your tail off?” she said.
“Well, yes…”
“Today I didn’t DO it.”
I wish you and your family well. I hope you can work this out amicably. But I also hope that you will take into consideration your own emotional health, and the emotional health and growth of your children as you work through it.
Nothing is worth being miserable. And your children are not going to thank you, when they grow up and are trying to forge healthy relationships, for allowing them to learn unhealthy patterns…if that is what is happening. Please at least just think about it?
I’m most certainly going to get flamed for this, but I gotta:
dragongirl, from this thread and many others, it’s perfectly clear: Your husband is an ASS, and you need to go. Suck it up, grow a pair, and get out. You’re wasting your life and possibly creating deep emotional issues for your children by staying with this jerk. You’re like friends I know who complain all the time about their crises, yet will do NOTHING to fix the situations. I’ll listen and give advice the first couple times, but when I see that they prefer to wallow in their misery than do something about it, I give up.
Do you have such low esteem for yourself that you feel you can’t do better? This is the life that you deserve? Do you have “magical thinking” that he will change and things will go back to how they used to be? Are you feeling guilty about your children being from a broken home? Whatever your issue is, you need to do something about it. Now. Please.
I’m coming into this late, and with some trepidation. The following observations are intended solely for dragongirl’s situation.
Your home life is in trouble, and has been for quite some time. Your husband, his family and co-workers are all taking swipes at you for being a SAHM. I don’t want to sound harsh, but they are taking their cues from your husband, not the other way around. He’s taking swipes at you for much more personal things as well. He adamantly rejects the idea of compromise. Short of a miracle, this situation will at best remain at it’s current level of stress–for a while–or deteriorate even more. You either start handling the situation now or allow it to overtake you.
Here are the future scenarios:
You remain a solely SAHM and your husband suddenly accepts that.
You remain a solely SAHM for now, but within a few years your children will be fairly well grown.
A. Your husband decides he wants you to stay home anyway.
B. Your husband wants you to work, but you have no skills or experience.
You start developing options for you and your kids now.
Which do you realistically expect to happen within the next few years?
Changing is scary, daunting and not what you want. But the situation, even as it is right now, takes a toll on you and your kids. I can’t imagine your kids aren’t influenced by the tension, nor the comtempt with which your husband treats you, even at family gatherings. They’re soaking it all up like little sponges, learning their family-lore from both of you. Those lessons aren’t healthy.
I don’t doubt you’re a great SAHM, dragongirl. In some ways, the actual finances are irrelevant because your husband won’t compromise or listen to your reasons. That’s a hard fact, but a fact nonetheless. You and your husband are firmly at odds about the situation. He isn’t changing his mind, but the situation will inevitably alter in his favor anyway.
You have the choice of either starting to address the issues right now, or get slammed by them even harder later. You’ll feel even more powerless and besieged as time goes on. That sucks, but there 'tis.
Take one step at a time. Actively ask around about work possibilities. You aren’t the only woman in this situation. Others have been there too. Housekeeping could be a great option for you for flexible hours, etc. Or look around for other possibilities. You have skills; just look for people who need them. That’ll give you a starting point and base to build from.
Your situation won’t get better on its own, so you either get a handle on it or take what it dishes out, now and later.
I hope that doesn’t sound brutal, because it sounds like you’re in a rough spot. No matter what happens, I wish you well.
Dragongirl, I’m just wondering when you and your husband had time just for yourselves? He works very long hours so you barely see each other. No work, no kids, just the two of you for a weekend. Would I be wrong in saying that it’s been years? If so, no wonder your relationship is in the shitter. Even I know that relationships take work and time - it seems he spends more time with his colleagues than you. So how about you get a grandparent or friend to look after the children and take off for a long weekend of just the two of you?
Back when I was dealing with this issue (in Illinois), my roommate was leaving her 8 and 5 year olds alone after school. My son was 10 or so, and I wouldn’t leave him with them. He went to after-school daycare until he was nearly 12. I also raised him alone (and with the help of my parents…thanks, guys!..).
Also, do we know how much money she makes with her crafts? Is it just a few hundred dollars or can she really make a go of it as a cottage industry?
I realize she’s very afraid to strike out on her own. But something tells me she’s going to have to do it sooner or later…whether she wants to or not. I can’t help but think her husband is pushing her to get a job because he wants less financial responsibility to her when he decides to split. I’m just getting that kind of vibe.
[QUOTE=Kalhoun]
Back when I was dealing with this issue (in Illinois), my roommate was leaving her 8 and 5 year olds alone after school. My son was 10 or so, and I wouldn’t leave him with them. He went to after-school daycare until he was nearly 12. I also raised him alone (and with the help of my parents…thanks, guys!..).
[QUOTE]
This is one of those “every parent is different/every child different” things. Unless you are so irresponsible as to leave a three year old alone, or have the apron strings tied so tight that your responsible 17 year old is not allowed to be home alone, I’m not going to throw rocks at anyones decision (my mother had a job that left me and my sister home alone for about an hour after school. I would have been eight and my sister six. I’ve always considered my mother to be a very good mother.)
And I gotta agree about the degree thing. I never finished mine. I started out doing secretarial and data processing work, ended up doing IT administration, and now do statistical process analysis and global architecture.
I know plenty of people who don’t have degrees and have done pretty well.
BTW, I’m going back to school. After 20 years in IT, I’ve realized I don’t like computers - I’ve decided I want to be a CPA. I’ll be 42 before I take my CPA exam, and starting a new profession. I have a 4 and 5 year old at home currently and Brainiac4 works 50-60 hour weeks. And I’ll be working full time while I go to school. And I’m not planning on rehiring a housekeeper (although once I get deep into classes, I might change my mind on that), I pay all the household bills and do the laundry and get dinner on the table every night for the kids. I do have a very helpful mother (thanks, mom!) and a supportive and helpful husband.
dragongirl I’m very sorry for the situation that you find yourself in.
I do understand that it is difficult for you, but try to see that it is not as hopeless as you believe that it is.
You are not worthless, and there are things that you can do.
Something that I noticed in both myself and my sisters - when someone is out of work for any reason other than choosing to be so (and sometimes even then) they will often start to lose self-esteem. And someone who doesn’t believe that she can do the job will have a hard time selling herself to employers. It’s a cycle that feeds itself.
Having only a highschool diploma does not automatically disqualify you for work. I have only a highschool diploma, both of my sisters as well, and we are all three employed in good jobs.
If you would like to hear my boring story of pulling myself up into a good job from a situation of being jobless with no prospects, plese send me an e-mail. One of my sisters has also done the same - and she started in a place much worse than mine. Also, if you just want to talk to someone or want to yell.
I have been following this thread, but I refrained from adding any input because this whole situation brings back unpleasant memories from my first marriage. To be brief, I married the week after I graduated high school. I was 18, and due to various issues with my parents, I wanted out of the house. I know now that first husband’s family had been pushing him very hard to marry (he was 24, high school graduate, factory worker), and I was viewed as good breeding stock. I knew when the church doors opened and the wedding march started that I was making the worst mistake of my life, but being stubborn and bullheaded (plus embarrassed of what people might say) I went through with it. I spent my wedding night locked in a hotel bathroom, crying on the floor.
I had a miscarriage at almost a year into the marriage. My M-I-L offered to take me to her house while I recovered from an emergency D&C. Two days later, I crawled, shaking and running a fever of 104 to the phone in their living room so I could call my mom to take me back to the hospital. I had set up an infection, but in-laws thought I’d be just fine with some Tylenol. For months after the miscarriage, M-I-L and S-I-L would talk endlessly about who was having a baby, how adorable it was, presents they were going to send. I sat there meekly, and died inside. First husband never said a word to either of them. S-I-L would make fun of my bosom at family get-togethers. Husband never said a word.
The whole family basically treated me like crap.
I started taking some college courses, but after my first child was born (I was 20), I dropped out and was a SAHM. We scrimped by on my first husband’s pay, which was barely enough for the three of us. Child number two was born three years later. We still managed fairly well, but I knew I’d need to join the workforce at some point, so I began to look into college, again. My aunt, who is one of the more well-to-do in my family, offered to pay for my tuition if I went back to school. Full ride. Books and gas money, too. Son #1 was in Kindergarten by then, and M-I-L (wonder or wonders) offered to keep son #2 during the day. I was thrilled.
Husband’s words (almost exactly as I remember them) “Why would you do that? What you need to do is get your ass out and get a job.” So, I did. The same aunt that offered the college money took pity on my situation and arranged a secretarial job at her office for me. Son #2 went to a nearby daycare (M-I-L’s house was the opposite direction of the workplace).
During my entire 7 year marriage to him, First husband never called me by my name, nor any diminutive or “pet” name. I was “Hey” or “You” or “Hey, you”. He called me stupid and lazy. I took the children with me everywhere I went. He never offered to watch them, and was quite vocal for me to “get these damn kids away from me.”
The last summer of my discontent, during a rather vocal argument over where I was spending all “HIS” money (remember, I was working a full-time job now, too), he grabbed my wrist, my shoulder, and then threw me backward into the chair where I had been sitting. In front of my children. My oldest son was barely 6, but his eyes were as big as saucers as he watched. I began quietly making my plans then. Today, I have been divorced almost 7 years, remarried for 4. To THIS day my oldest son will often comment on “Dad pushing mom down”. Even a kindergartener knew that was NOT a good thing.
After all this rambling, I may have lost my point…but it was this:
You may end up getting a job, but that won’t satisfy your husband. He’ll move on to something else to belittle you about. Those situations, IME, never get better. There is nothing you can do to fix it. No amount of “going along” or “trying to change” will help. I tried (and cried) and wondered what was wrong with me for more than seven years. It never got better. It never would have gotten better.
I got out. I swallowed my pride, told my mom and dad I had made a mistake and needed help. My mother cried and said she’d wondered how long I would suffer before I came to my senses. 7 years later, I have finished my BSE, remarried, added another beautiful child to my family, beginning work on my graduate degree, starting my 5th year as a first grade teacher, and my husband and I are perfect partners.
It took seven years, no overnight fix. I was scared. I cried, so much sometimes I would sick up with the fear and insecurity I was feeling. My children cried when their dad left, but only for a little while. “Visiting Daddy” was a weekend adventure for them, and they definitely benefited from a happier mom at home. (That’s right- My children benefited from my divorce from their father, in the long run). Sure we ate a lot of PB&J on cheap bread, struggled with wanting and needing things we couldn’t have, balanced classes with home life and work, and wore a lot of hand-me-downs (kids and me!). I will never be sorry I left, though. Times come and go when I’m sorry I hadn’t left sooner, but my life has made me the woman I am today. Even after the heartache and hard times, I wouldn’t change what I’ve got today.
I had to want the change, though. The beginnings of physical abuse was what made me finally see the light. It was almost too late, though. My spirit was just about broken.
Now I’ve rambled, depressed myself, and all of you, too, probably, so I’ll stop now.
That may be one of the least depressing stories I’ve ever heard. Its inspiring. I’m sorry you had a bummer few years - but I really admire you.
A similar story about a single mom who went out and got her degree (actually, a former coworker of mine from years back) is what convinced me that I could get off my back end and go back to school to do something I was interested in. If she could do it - work full time, be a single mom to two kids, and go to school - what excuse did I (who have a helpful husband and helpful mother) have for not doing it?
I’m going to print out your story. Then, when I am in school and working full time and mothering two kids, I’m going to pull it out and remember whenever I feel sorry for myself.
I agree that nothing will ever satisfy Mr. Dragongirl, not even if she does exactly what he wants. I was in a similar situation in my first marriage. My ex was a total asshole, and even so, he was nowhere near as awful as Mr. Dragongirl, even if she’s exaggerating. Even when I was earning slightly more than half of the money, it was always “HIS” money. His motto seemed to be “What’s mine is mine, and what’s yours is also mine”-- just like an overgrown toddler. Nothing I ever did was good enough for him. He would also tell me that he was a “good husband” because he didn’t cheat on me or beat me. And the not cheating part turned out to be a lie, anyway. Looking back on it, when I finally started standing up for myself and not taking his shit, he decided he “didn’t love me anymore” and left. He went to find someone who was more of a doormat than me. No, wait… he did that BEFORE he left. Looking back, I don’t know why I didn’t throw him out first. Now, I really wish I had, and not wasted so much of my life hoping that he would starting being nice to me again like he was at the beginning of our relationship. In any case, I’m well rid of him. I was amazed how much better I felt about myself when I didn’t have someone telling me how horrible I was all the time. Gee, imagine that! Dragongirl, several of these “pity me” threads ago, I recommended you read “Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay” by Mira Kirshenbaum. I still recommend it. It’s not much of an action, but at least it is a start. You know you are in a bad situation, but all these “pity me” threads isn’t going to change it. The only one who can change it is you. If you don’t, eventually your ass of a husband will change it for you, and if his general behavior is anything to go on, when he does, he’ll make sure you’re up a certain creek without a paddle. Isn’t it time you took control of your situation instead of letting him decide everything?
