It never does. Your current taste buds will never know the joy of $0.25 ramen augmented by sliced tofu dogs you swiped from the cafeteria. Spiked with a couple of the soy sauce packets you found from the last time your roommate sprang for take-out.
Ah, youth!
(What do you mean, “idiot”? Sounds like the can-opener reaction and subsequent begging worked exactly as planned.)
[/hijack]
Oh, yeah, he has me well-trained. The hyooman slave is simply allowed to live here, pay the rent, scoop the litter box, etc.
I mentioned “Dumb Soup” over in the “Dinner Tonight” thread, but realized - as I was having some just now - that it belongs here, too.
Dumb Soup:
Big Pyrex measuring cup or other similar bowl. Handful of mini pasta. Whatever interesting seasonings are floating around - I like a squeeze of hoisin, something garlicky (if I have a jar of minced garlic, it gets a spoonful of that) and maybe crispy chili or sriracha or something in that neighborhood. Cilantro if you lean that way. Green onions if you have some languishing in the back of the fridge are nice, too.
Fill partway with boxed chicken broth. Nuke for around five minutes, then let it sit another minute or so - otherwise you’ll burn your tongue, and it lets the pasta soak up some broth.
Shred leftover chicken into it if you have any lying around.
Congratulate yourself on the delicious, healthy soup you have made.
ETA: if you’re feeling really fancy, crack an egg into the hot broth, then nuke another minute or two.
People are often resentful of their masters 
Roasting seasoned veg and meat/protein strips in the oven together. Served on rice or crusty sub rolls topped with shredded cheese optional.
Melty ham & cheese sandwiches with carmelized onions.
Thin-slice up a bunch of onion and pan-fry in a bit of oil until brown and carmelized (this is the most complicated step, but you can make a big batch of cooked onions and refrigerate or even freeze in portions for later).
Pile up deli ham and slices of sharp cheddar on onion rolls. Add a generous blob of carmelized onions and some spicy mustard. Wrap in foil and heat in oven until melty.
I never really saw these in convenient boxes, but big bags of international vegetables are obviously still a thing - mixes for Asian or Thai stir fries, Summer Italian, Mediterranean and many others. The big bags can be a pain. One could easily divide them into convenient smaller sizes. But you are right I can’t recall these mixes available in small sizes and that might be helpful.
Yeah, I get these also but it isn’t the same. The ones I’m talking about I bought 1975 - 1980 or thereabouts, and not only had the vegetables but had frozen cubes of sauce which melted as you cooked it on the stove - microwaves for grad students being far in the future. There are plenty of boxed vegetables like cauliflower with sauces of course.
Oh, I remember those! They were pretty good.
Really easy fast meal: naan pizza.
Take a pre-made naan, preferably a garlic naan if you can get one, spread tomato sauce on it, top with cheese and anything else you want, bake at 450F for about 10 minutes in an oven or toaster oven (keep an eye on it). It’s done anytime past when the cheese melts; it gets crispier the longer you leave it in. Very much reminds me of elementary school cafeteria pizza. My nieces and nephews don’t get it, but me, my brother, and sister love it.
Any bread (bagel, wonder bread, brioche, tortilla, matzoh), with any tomato (sliced fresh tomato, tomato sauce, sun dried tomato), with any cheese.
From thread title alone,before reading the rules in the OP, I was thinking “a hunk of cheddar cheese”. Three steps, huh? Baked potato (poke holes in potato; insert it into a ziploc; nuke for o 9 minutes). Does putting sour cream on count as a step? Salt & pepper?
Won’t the plastic melt?
I keep tortillas, shredded med cheddar, chopped onions, a container of refried beans, and a bottle of Fire Taco Bell Sauce in my fridge at all times. At home, I am always 2 min away from a homemade microwave bean burrito that beats any fast food place and is perfect for a midnight snack or to settle a stomach full of booze.
Because both of those times are when you are least likely to want to drive to Taco Bell.
No, the ziploc plastic doesn’t melt. A purist might worry that it nevertheless deposits plastic effluvia onto your potato or something, I dunno
I’d allow it. The 3 step rule was basically to rule out most premade dishes in the reheat and stir or just add water categories. My internal rule of thumb that prompted the three step rule was pretty much a traditional PB&J: Toast bread, add peanut butter, add jelly. 
We’re in Cafe society, so I don’t think we need to be hyper focused. But I’d have ruled out a hunk of cheddar - would it be a meal? By some standards, sure, but I wouldn’t have considered it “prepared”.
Beercan chicken. One of the least effort/highest reward meals in my personal repitoire. If served to people who aren’t bbq savvy, you get lots of oohs and aahs - it looks like a complicated process, it’s actually really, really simple.
Get a beer. A BIG beer. 710-740 ml range. This is where cheap macrobrewed lagers shine. Go outside, open the beer and start a chimney starter of charcoal, set up two piles of charcoal and hardwood on opposite sides of the bbq. Drink 1/3 of the beer while doing so.
Go back inside and grab two potatoes, pierce 'em with a fork and wrap 'em in tinfoil. Grab an onion, a capsicum, and a whole chicken. Cut the onion in half, pare the ends, remove the outer layer. Cut the capsicum in half, remove stem/seeds/pith. Lightly oil both flora and fauna. Season all five with whatever you may choose. Salt’n’pepper works just fine. (I like poultry seasoning for the chicken, seasoning salt for the onion, and Montreal steak spice for the bell pepper.) Drink the second third of the beer while doing so.
Shove the beercan up the chicken’s wazoo, and take the chicken, onion and potato outside (a saucepot helps transporting the chicken - I use it upon a baking sheet with the other ingredients.) Split the now ready charcoal between your two piles of unlit charcoal. Drop the chicken between the two piles of coals, put the onions closest to the walls of the bbq - fore and aft of the chicken, and the potatoes between them both. Leave a little space closest to the chicken for the peppers later.
Close the lid with top and bottom vents barely cracked, and forget about it for about 45 minutes. Have another beer if you see fit! After 45 minutes, lift the lid and place the capsicum halves between each potato and the chicken.
Close the lid, and possibly drink another beer - come back in about 30 minutes or so with the baking sheet and saucepot. Use sturdy tongs to put the chicken into the pot, and veggies on the sheet, take inside and devour.
Serves 2 very hungry, or 4 moderately people perfectly.
Something I often do when Mrs. solost brings a Costco chicken home (including two days ago): Chicken quesadillas!
Cut slices of chicken. Place on tortilla with sharp shredded cheddar and fold in half. Toast in toaster oven until cheese is melty and tortilla is toasty. Enjoy with salsa and/or hot sauce.
I just made a ham and cheese quesadilla for breakfast. Place shredded Mexican blend cheese and ham slices on a tortilla. Put it in a skillet, and toast. Fold over, and flip a couple of times. Serve with salsa or pico de gallo. Easy peasy, cheesy please me!