What's the most amusing response you've ever got in an argument?

In My Humble Opinion
21

Hey, how’d you do that?
I’ve shared this one before, but it’s a Horseshoe Family Classic. Back when I was in college, my parents suddenly cut off my financial support (they were yanking my leash, but that’s beside the point). Anyway, I was telling my mother that unless she changed her mind, I was going to have to get a job at a strip club to make rent.

Her response?

“You’re not qualified to be a stripper!!”

God help me, but I instinctively looked down to verify that yes, I do still have tits, which made the whole thing 20% funnier. My friends brought that one out for years, and Mr. Horseshoe will still occasionally crack it out.

22

When I was doing a stint in a summer stock theatre, my boss told me: I don’t pay you to think, I pay you to stand around and look pretty.

23

Occasionally I’ll throw into an argument, “Let’s just compromise and agree that I’m right.”

24

Sometimes I remind cwPartner that “I’m the default right person” in the relationship.

25

Same place it came from when my ex asserted that my aunt was “a whore” because she expressed the opinion that he was a tad judgmental with regard to my ability to operate a gasoline pump. :dubious:

26

I have a friend who is… overly credulous. Especially with regard to urban legends or health mumbo-jumbo. I’ve stopped trying to argue with her, but back in the day we’d have a lot of conversations like this:

Her: “Oh yeah, the guy from the Subway ads. You know, he died of AIDS.”

Me: “…I don’t think so.”

Her: “No, really, it’s true! I heard it somewhere!”

Me: “Um… why don’t you just google it?”

Her: “Oh yeah, like I can believe something I read on the INTERNET.”

Me: under my breath finelookitupinabookthen,readabookforoncewhydontcha

27

I believe that source was an episode of South Park.

My contributions are from my mother. She uses these all the time to win arguments:

  1. To justify odd, sociopathic, selfish, or completely illogical behavior: “Because I’m old, that’s why!”

  2. To say I’m wrong: “Well, you only think like that because you went to school!”

  3. To justify odd, sociopathic, selfish, or completely illogical behavior from my sister: “She had a hard life because of grandma.” Grandma only lived with us for 5 years. My mother still uses this for my sister even though my sister is now 45.

28

From “Better Off Ted”:

“Those are just facts, and facts are just opinions, and opinions can be wrong!”

29

A long time ago my mom’s then boyfriend is driving her and I home from the beach. On the road he starts giving me really hard time for no apparent reason. I get really frustrated and blurt out “You’re only covering up your faults by pointing out my own.” He and my mom start laughing. :mad: :smack:

30

We were consultants brought in to work in process improvement… I’ve had jobs where I wasn’t paid to think, I was paid to do nasty stuff to a sample and provide numbers, but the job requirements were clearly those from the start.

31

Watching Jeopardy once with my (adult) nephew. The category was something about computers, and it just so happens my hubby is in IT, so I’ve picked up a lot of random stuff over the years.

So the clue comes up, I yell out the question, which turns out to be correct. Nephew sulkily says “You only know that because (hubby) told you!”

Me: “Uh, yeah; how is it that you learn stuff, if not from someone telling you?”

Him: :confused:

32

From books, duh. :stuck_out_tongue:

33

“If I want your opinion I’ll give it to you.”

34

When I was in Basic Training, some of the trainees were assigned by the instructors to be “Student Leaders”, basically trainees with some mild supervisory duties to be in charge and make sure everybody knows what they’re supposed to be doing when the sergeant isn’t around.

I spent about two months on medical hold due to a knee injury, and the squadron they put all the medhold guys in (along with the guys getting seperated from the military for whatever reason) was full of what we’d call “Dirtbags” or “Turds”. Basically folks who didn’t want to follow the rules, and mainly just didn’t care.

When one of the Student Leaders tried to tell them something, like “You’re not supposed to be buying sodas” and “Don’t sit on the table”, the common response was “You ain’t got no stripes!” (No, dumbass, but the guy with stripes put him in charge.)

One memorable occasion, a buddy of mine (also getting seperated, due to a fire ant venom allergy), got fed up with one of these guys and asked him “Let me guess, you got kicked out during the First Week of training, right?”

“No. Second week.”

In response, my friend announced (to all nearby) “Ladies and gentlemen, this kid made it all the way to the second week of Basic Training! Let’s all give him a round of applause!” Much laughter at that guy’s expense.

I think the dumbest thing I can recall hearing directed towards me in an argument was my mother in law asking (you can guess the context if you want): “Just because they have a right, does that mean they should practice it?”:rolleyes:

Reaching farther back, I had a friend who insisted that bicycles didn’t need to stop at stop signs (after she had gotten nicked by a car at an intersection when she ran a stop sign). I told her she was wrong, and I knew this because I had asked a bicycle cop out in town what the laws were for riding a bike on the streets.

Her reply: “Well, it’s not like cops would know bicycle laws.”

“He was a bicycle cop. I’m pretty sure he’d have to know the bicycle laws.”

35

Just recently, someone was railing about the supposed evils of a particular public figure, and I was objecting to one of the accusations.

“Do you deny he sells gold?” was one of the heated responses.

Um… huh? No, I guess you got me there. He sells gold.

36

Not so much of an argument per se but more of a :smack: response from a friend who felt really stupid after I pointed out his error.

He was taking me to the airport to drop me off for a flight. As we get close to the terminal there the ususal signs: Arrivals keep left, Departures keep right. He’s in the far left lane.
Me: “Uh, you may want to get over to the right.”
Him: “Why?”
Me: “Cause this lane is for arrivals.”
Him: “Yeah, so?”
Me: “So why are you in the arrival lane?”
Him: “Because we’re arriving!”

37

This gem come from a cocksure 10 year old. I love arguing with him - it’s as easy as YouTube comments, but without the racial slurs :slight_smile:

Mommy : you know, you should listen to what Kobal2 tells you, because he’s always right.
Me : She’s right, you know.
Him : That’s not possible ! If you’re always right, tell me what I’m thinking right now.
Me : I’m not a mindreader, dude. I don’t know everything
Him : Ha HA ! See ?
Me : But I AM always right.
Him : That’s not possible ! How can you always be right if you don’t know everything ?
Me : Because when I’m not sure I’m right, I keep my damn mouth shut.
Him : … that’s cheating !

38

Me & my SO, after a long Saturday running errands, finally checking out at the grocery store & heading for the car:
Him: “They had microwave popcorn on SALE!! Do we have any popcorn??”
Me: “Nope.”
Him (whining): “But, what if I want some popcorn?”
Me: “Have you ever noticed how no one really cares what you want?”

This has now become the tail line to any disagreement we have!

39

This isn’t an argument, per se, but it led to more discussion than I expected and was pretty funny…

About 10 years ago, I arrived at the mostly blue-collar, shrinking midwestern town my wife grew up in. One of the other relatives coming in for the holiday had a toddler - as I was running out to the store for an initial Holiday food run, I was asked to get “whole milk” for the toddler. Got it.

I run to the store - I’m thinking to myself “now, wait - “whole milk” is often called “Vitamin D” milk vs. 2% or non-fat, right?”

I go to the dairy case and there is Vitamin D milk - but none of it is also labeled “whole” nor is there a brand just labeled “whole.” So, to be sure, I turn to the older gentleman who is the store employee working on loading something else - yogurt? - into the dairy case a few feet down.

“Excuse me sir - but is this Vitamin D milk also called Whole Milk?”

“Yes…” I begin to turn away, satisfied that I got my answer…

“…it’s Ho’ milk because it’s Ho-Mo-Gized!”

“um, what?”

“Ho-mo-gized - it’s ho-mo-gized, Son (yes, he called me Son) so it’s 'Ho milk!”

Please note that as he did this, he grabbed a carton of milk and slowly and carefully pointed out each syllable of “homogenized” while enunciating the word - Ho. Mo. Gized. I felt like the little boy chicken getting lectured at by Foghorn Leghorn.

At this point, it is all I can do to not bust out laughing with a major organ coming out of my nose, so I just thanked him, deeply, for his patience and the education and made my way up to the front. The woman in line ahead of me, kids hanging off of her, confirmed that yes, in fact, Vitamin D milk was the same as Whole Milk.

But I still think of it as Ho-Mo-Gized.

:smiley:

40

I’ve gotten that one before. I’ve also been told – by my father, in response to my pointing out that he had no actual information on the subject he was pontificating on – that he didn’t NEED information to make a decision, because he had WISDOM. (By which of course he meant divine guidance.)

But the first thing I thought of was the ex-girlfriend who accused me of not genuinely liking women with small breasts, and thus not truly being attracted to her. When I asked her if she meant that I didn’t want to fuck her, but pretended to want to fuck her, so that she would be willing to fuck me, which of course I didn’t want to do, she screamed, “YES! THAT’S EXACTLY IT!”