A former coworker, a devout traditional Catholic, had found out that I’m an atheist. She told me that nobody’s an atheist. I assured her that I was. Then she said that she could actually PROVE that I’m not an atheist. OK :rolleyes:, I said, prove to me that I’m not an atheist.
She said, “If you’re an atheist, who do you pray to?”
She absolutely would not consider the possibility that some people don’t pray.
That is so gay.
It almost seems like cheating to put in stuff from children–but this one still cracks me (and him) up years later …
I’m in my home office, working on something, and listening to Mrs. Simmons chide our younger son (call him Junior) for incomplete chores, and giving him a list to do right now. He’s responding to her with some mild preteen attitude, which I decide needs some adjustment. So as he walks by on his way to his room to do the first task on his list, I try to catch his attention:
Me: Junior, I need you to …
Junior: What! WHAT! Mom’s already got me doing all of this stuff. I’ve got to collect my laundry, clean up my toys, feed the cats … What do you want me to do next, eat a moose?
Me: :mad:
Junior: :mad:
Me: 
Me: Yes, Junior. Go eat a moose.
At which point we both crack up.
I still throw that onto his chore lists on occaison, just to get a :rolleyes: from him.
Now with extra Ho-Mo. That’s hysterical.
Lately it’s been “You’re a towel.” We’ve been having mock arguments lately, and we just watched that South Park, “A Million Little Fibers.” You know, the one where Towelie is making up his life story, a la James Frey? Anyway, he goes into interviews as himself, and the other guy is all, “You’re a towel.” Towelie’s response is always, “No, you’re a towel.” For some reason, we found that hysterical. Now we insert it where ever possible.
This happened so long ago that I don’t remember the particulars, just the lead-in and the punch line. My youngest son was in high school. I had asked him to do something, then come back to see if he had done it. When I asked if the task was complete, he gave the worlds weakest excuse for it not being done. Really, the excuse was an insult to my intellegence.
So I glared at him and asked, “what kind of fool do you think I am?”
And he said, “Mom. Does the kind really matter?”
I laughed, but he still had to do it.
I love how some of these stick.
Long ago, I was having an argument with my son. I demonstrated that he was, in fact, wrong. He stammered for a moment and said, “Yeah? Well, you suck!”
That’s become our catchphrase. Every time one of us realizes we’re wrong about something, we say, “Yeah? Well, you suck!”
I once had a disagreement with my mother. She had made a statement which I knew was untrue. So I stated several reasons why it couldn’t possibly be true. But she just kept repeating “I’m ***sure *** it’s true,” without giving any evidence whatsoever.
So I asked my mother, “When you say you’re ‘sure’ of something, what do you mean?”
She answered, “It means that I feel it very strongly.”
As a clerk at a video rental store, we spent a lot of time listening to people who did not want to pay the late fees they racked up. One particular gentleman was extremely upset, but also extremely in the wrong. After patiently explaining to him that he was still going to have to pay, he came up with the biting reply…
“Oh yeah? Well…well…well, you guys are a BUNCH OF DORKS.”
Had us rolling on the floor.
So I was having lunch with a group of co-workers, two of whom are nice guys and one of whom is a giant jackass who lies or makes things up frequently. I got up and went to the bathroom, during which time the conversation switched from Scientology, which no one at the table defended, to Catholicism, which Jackass Co-worker claimed was morally equivalent, if not worse, than Scientology, because the Catholic Church wields more power. I asked him what he meant by that, and he responded that since all the major world leaders are Catholic, the Pope pretty much controls the world. I asked him to name five Catholic leaders who, combined, control the world.
His first three answers were the heads of state of Spain, France, and Italy. He was unable to name them, but insisted that because of their nationality, they must be Catholic. After pausing for a moment, he claimed that George W. Bush was, in fact, a Catholic.
I was unable to get him to place a bet on that one. Damn shame.
My sixth grade teacher was named Sr. Eulenia (sp?), sixtyish and in general not very fond of kids or teaching. A classmate (Hiya, Bird, if you’re out there!) was not one to suffer fools or pointless rules, and had numerous run-ins with the good Sister.
For some reason, penmanship was the topic and Sister commented to Bird that he signed his papers using a block capital letter instead of the cursive version shown on the banner above the chalkboard. After some discussion, she told him she would take point offs of each assignment with the improper signature, to which he scowled and rolled his eyes. Her response:
“Don’t you look at ME in that tone of voice!”
It still makes me lol, just thinking about it!
Well, in a way, she’s right.
If you’re REALLY an atheist, then tell me: have you never, during sex, said, “Oh God! Oh God!”
You have, haven’t you?
Case closed. I’ve always said that must be the worst thing for atheists – nothing to yell out when you come.
Damn Skald, that is a devious plan even for you! 
When I was very young (under 5 maybe?) there was this little girl, maybe 2, who went to our church. My father would always tell her “You are a beauty!”
She’d get all hurt and mad, and respond “No, YOU da booty!”
Pretending I don’t know a rhetorical question when I see one – was it really intended as a justification? “Happens” has a connotation beyond simply “occurs,” as it is the shortened form of “occurs by hap.”
“It happens” (or in the crude vernacular, “Shit happens”) is not so much a defense as a philosophical observation - despite our best efforts we must always expect some bad fortune; life is dicey.
I can’t stand “You can’t believe anything you read on the internet!”, either.
Had a disagreement with my wife about drug dosage for our child; I thought she had misunderstood the doctor’s instructions. Had been using two (regular utensil type) teaspoons (divided) daily to no effect, when the indication for her weight was two (measuring) tablespoons - 30ml. So, we were dispensing about 1/4 of the effective dose.
“See, here are the dosing guidelines from the drug monograph published on the manufacturer’s website.” “Oh, you read it on the internet?” [Eye-roll]
Whaaa?
Narcissists yell out, “Oh me, oh me!”
Reminds me of a conversation I had with my Catholic mom some years back.
Mom: Sure, you say you’re an atheist now, but when you’re in trouble, you start praying.
Me: No, I don’t.
Mom: You do! I’ve heard it myself! Remember last week, when you had that stomach bug? All night, I could hear you in the bathroom saying, “Oh, God! Oh, Jesus! Oh, God! Oh, Jesus!”
Me: That wasn’t praying! That was cursing!
My husband is an atheist, but I tease him that he has a God complex, and say that must suck for him because it means he doesn’t believe he actually exists. . .
Two quote son the topic:
“There is no such thing as an Atheist in a Foxhole.”
and
“The thing about Atheists and Foxholes wasn’t an argument against Atheism. It’s an argument against Foxholes!”
In the runup to Y2K, my dad and I were having the standard argument about what year the new millennium would begin. I made the statement, “There was no Year Zero.”
His reply: “How do they know?”
“God” is just a word, and I have no problem using it in an idiomatic sense.