I put other because the thread title says “in a relationship” so I answered as though the relationship had already been established whereas the actual question seems to be something like “What would put you off when considering a relationship?”
Next time I’ll remember to read the poll/OP…
Anyway, for an already established relationship, I would say other: sexual incompatibility. For this question I would change my answer to age, either way. And some people say it matters less when you’re older (I’m not even 30), but I’ve seen the perspective of both the older half and the younger half, the younger half being close to my age, and there always seems to be such a fundamental difference between them that conflict is unavoidable.
Maybe it’s different when you’re 45 and 60, I don’t know but, for now anyway, age is my answer.
I put “15+ years older.” I don’t know if I could be with a 35 year old at 20. I have absolutely no qualms at all about being with a woman who’s less intelligent than I am. In fact, I’d probably prefer it. It would make me feel smarter.
Given the other poll that’s current going on I really want to say Species, but in reality I’d have to say an inability to compromise. You can have wildly divergent views on any of the listed options and as long as the two of you are able to work together to truly come to a compromise it can work. Every one of those differences makes it harder though and compromise is sometimes pretty hard to see (what do we do have 1/2 a kid?)
Wanting children would be the biggest difficulty, though I wouldn’t really be trying to “get around it.” I’d consider it a complete incompatibility which means we would need to split up and find someone better suited.
I married someone 10.5 years older. Eh.
I married someone with a fundamental religious difference, though I later changed and matched his. Eh.
I married someone from another class. Eh.
I’m dating someone of another ethnicity. Eh.
I married someone of a different income. Eh.
I married someone significantly less formally educated. Eh.
So, if not for the kids thing, it would probably be the intelligence thing.
Seconded. It’s been the biggest dealbreaker in my life, and resulted in having to walk away from a couple wonderful relationships. Sad, but you can’t have half a kid.
I see the bigness dealbreaker as ‘differing values of honesty and integrity’. If you don’t value those, in close to the same regard, as I do, then we’re going nowhere. With similar regard for those two things, I think there probably isn’t anything we can’t work through.
If they were significantly less intelligent than ME they’d be curled up and drooling, so I picked that one.
My SO is significantly younger, significantly less educated (but I think just as smart), from a different culture, and makes a lot more money than me (I make none so it doesn’t take much!) and we have completely different religious beliefs (I have none). The cultural difference has been the biggest source of electricity in the relationship but it hasn’t been a major stumbling block.
Relationship is not gonna work if they expect something 100% different out of the relationship than I do. This is a bigger deal than anything else on the list. They want it to be a 24/7 BDSM master/slave relationship? I’m out. They want me to be their partner on the side while they are married to someone else? I’m out. He’s a man who wants a very traditional relationship where he works and I cook? I’m out!
To the OP: Are you asking for actual dealbreakers, or dealbreakers before getting into the relationship?
Before I was actually married, I thought that being of similar age and intelligence we monumentally important; however, in practice, I’ve found the above to be absolutely true. Usually the age and religion can help you weed people out at the start. But when you get into the nitty gritty of everyday life with someone, in my experience, it’s details like these that can really cause hard feelings. Having kids has caused the biggest strain on our marriage, even though we agree in most respects about how we want to raise them. It’s the everyday details that really get you hung up and, if we didn’t have a stronger relationship, we would probably be divorced by now.
Toss-up between intelligence and religion, but I went with religion in the end–though really, someone who is deeply religious in a way that would clash with my life would likely not be in a relationship with me.
I chose “background - difference in religion” because my last relationship ended for that reason. He was a Jehovah’s Witness and I am an ex-mormon/now atheist. This is a cautionary tale for all of you: Atheist and JW do not mix. Trust me, just don’t even try. :rolleyes:
Generally speaking, my dealbreakers are like this:
•addiction
•adultery/cheating
•abuse in any form
•devout religiosity
•chronic dishonesty
• (ETA) men with children. I do not want them. I do not want to play stepmommy. I am not interested in children.
