Years ago my wife and I used to get all our bread and cakes and stuff from a small bakery not far from where we lived.
Because the place had such a good reputation for fine eats there was always a queue, so one day she is in the Q and I’m stood by the door waiting.
I spotted these trays of samples, y’know like small crackers with cheese,bits of fish,smoked salmon and so on on them. I lift the lid and begin to get stuck in. After a while this lady walks from round the back and asks me what I’m doing.
Remember my cheeks are filled out like a chipmunks so my reply went something like this "Mgh,whgt,thgrs,splens,>chew frantically< >gulp< and swallow “Just trying out these samples miss”
“Those samples are for a wedding and they’ll be picked up in about 10 minutes” “and half are MISSING now”
I looked at the woman and could feel my face burning and everyone else in the bakery looking at me.
My wife left the queue, grabbed my arm gave the woman some money and NEVER went in the bakery again.
2nd. At my sons wedding I’m going down these stairs at this hotel where the reception was, the bride is in front, yours truly treads (drunkenly) on her train,train rips pulling off the whole of the back of her wedding dress,she stumbles and goes arse over tit down about 15 stairs and breaks her leg.
My son didn’t speak to me for weeks and she couldn’t 'cos as well as breaking her leg she also bust her jaw and had to have it wired…well I did tell him not to get married in the first place.
Classic spogga
Mine would have have been only a few months ago at a gig we did after a rodeo. My girlfriend chose the perfect moment, at a lull during the show, to yell out that i was wearing her undies! Crowd loved it!
Since “in public” implies a larger audience, I’ll have to limit myself to two things.
As a youngster I was part of the church choir. On one special occasion, the choir loft was packed to gills with both the adults’ and children’s choirs, and I was seated right at the edge of the balcony where it was hard to see the choir director. The children’s choir launched into a song we did all the time, but in this instance the director wanted us to sing just one verse instead of the usual two. Guess who didn’t see the signal to stop and kept on singing at full volume, not exactly the best voice to be honest, a true lone cry in the wilderness… My sister told me later that a bunch of people turned around and looked up to see why the solo artist got cut off unexpectedly (after a sharp elbow in the ribs).
One year the company Christmas party was held on a Friday afternoon at a dance club. Buffet lunch was served first, with everyone lined up along the edges of the shiny wooden dance floor to fill their plates at the tables set up alongside. I spotted a friend across the way, took two steps out onto the dance floor and promptly found myself sprawled on my butt, legs akimbo, skirt slid up around my hips. I guess the edge of my heel on that polished floor behaved like a skate blade on ice. My friends told me it looked like a classic vaudevillian banana peel stunt - they gave me 10 points for perfect form. EVERYONE that had shown up already for the party - and that included my bosses and a number of higher-echelon folks - was treated to the vision of me flying onto my keester. Thankfully, I jammed my wrist badly enough on impact to have the excuse of leaving immediately to have it looked at (wasn’t broken, although it hurt like hell). The following Monday, our ditzy department secretary came up to me and gave me these profound words of comfort: “You know, after you left, two other people slipped and fell on that slippery floor too. I just wanted you to know that it wasn’t just you being clumsy, or anything.” Thank you so much!
In 4th grade, our teacher would make us have a moment of silence after the class recited the “Pledge of Allegiance”. It became part of the morning routine… Say the Pledge, then a moment of silence.
One morning during the usual recitation of the Pledge, I started feeling a gaseous buildup in my nether regions. We were about 1/3 of the way through when it started. As we continued, I could tell that this was going to be a big one too, so I hunkered down and really started clinching the appropriate muscles to hold in what was sure to be a fart of biblical proportions.
I managed to hold it in through the rest of the recitation of the Pledge, but alas, it was not the time to relax, as now we began our moment of silence… the longest moment of my life. I knew this was going to be hell, but I had to try. The battle between the ever growing pressure in my colon and the muscles in my sphincter was continuing to rage onward. This now had become an issue of mind over matter. Surely there was going to be a casualty. Something had to lose…
And lose it, I did. Right in the middle of our moment of silence.
Yes, physics eventually won out and I let loose one absolutely huge fart, the largest of my life in fact, right in the middle of our moment of silence. My face imediately turned about 20 different shades of red. Everyone in the class looked right at me and reacted with either a taunting laugh or some sound of utter disgust. I was humiliated. Not just because I had to face my peers after this, but because I lost the battle with myself.
It’s funny how one little incident like that can affect your whole life.
This wasn’t very public, as it took place in a ladies’ room, but it was the most embarrassing moment of my life … and I don’t get embarrassed easily.
I was in a diner bathroom, in much need of the facilities. There were only two stalls, and I knew one of them was occupied by my friend. The other stall door was closed, but after a quick peek under the door, I tried to open it, only to hear someone say “Somebody’s in here!”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” I reply, doing the little “I have to pee” dance, “I didn’t see any feet.”
“Well,” the voice behind the door says, “There’s a good reason for that.”
The toilet flushes, the door opens, and lo and behold, a woman with one leg comes out, crutches and all. I immediately fell all over myself apologizing, but she laughed it off and told me it was the funniest thing that had happened all day.
10th grade (1980). The drama company from my high school goes on a three day trip to NYC to see some Broadway shows. On the second night there I learn that several of the seniors have managed to get a bottle of tequilla. I proceed to show them how drunk a high school student can get.
The next morning we are force marched around NYC seeing a few sights and getting in some shopping. Guess who had such a bad hangover that they threw up on the tie counter at Macy’s?
No further trips to NYC for the drama company, either. And a week’s suspension from school.
Originally posted by Kalhoun
I puked on the counter at Dunkin’ Donuts. I don’t think anyone needs to hear the details.
Spogga said, “Now that is where you are SO wrong, we wanna know EVERYTHING”
Let’s just say it was a combination of too much booze and an entirely “too pink” environment. The place was packed when I got there, but oddly, when I emerged from the bathroom, there was nary a soul in sight. Go figure.
Senior Class - High School Play - My character is supposed to faint into a chair. My director decides it will be more “dramatic” if I faint to the floor. She didn’t tell anyone else in the cast so that their reactions would be more realistic.
So, End of Act 1, My big moment!! My costume consists entirely of hair in curlers and a little bath robe. I ever-so-dramatically begin my swoon, my co-star has no idea what I’m doing and he tries to catch me as I fall. The only thing that he catches is my robe. :eek: There I am, center stage, lying on the boards, in my underwear, praying for the curtain to fall. :o
So we’re on holiday in Bendorm, Spain and I’ve got the screaming shits, any further away than 25 yards from a toilet and I start to panic.
Anyway I’m feeling okay one day so me and my son (he’s aged about 8 at the time) go for a stroll along the beach, me for a quick leer at the topless wenches, him for a look at the boats.
After about 20 mins or so I start to feel the need to erm…go, problem is nearest toilets are about 500 yards away and I just *know * I won’t make it to them.
So…I start wading out, now you have to walk about 750 yards before the sea covers your head in Benidorm, I gets to waist depth and lets go, splashing hands furiously so the tell tale ahem deposit does not show in the crystal clear water.
After doing the business (sorry) I shouts for my son to come towards me 'cos I have a pair of white shorts on and needed to know if there was evidence of my foul (sorry again) doings on display.
I stop him before he gets to close and tell him what’s happened, with a look of disgust he tells me to turn around then assures me I am clean.
So…I walks out the water, strolls through the town and back to my hotel for a shower, strips off shorts and there is a sodding great stain on the back.
"You little sod! I scream “You did that on purpose”
“Well you would have done the same dad” he replies.
The little bugger was right, he had me sussed and I’d walked all that way back with dump stains on my shorts.
My friend, Mad Henry, and I had breakfast (3:00AM) at a Denny’s after a night of partying. We had finished eating and were guzzling coffee. Well MH is a pretty funny guy and got me laughing. Really laughing, and I choked on my coffee. I didn’t want to spray coffee everywhere so I tried to get the choke under control, but that made just made it worse. Instead of just spraying a mouthfull of coffee, I did a rocket nostril puke of my entire breakfast. We were asked to leave.
Me and three of my friend got arrested when we were 17. We spent the day in a jail cell and it was my father that came to “spring” us. As we were walking out of the police station my dad gave me a kick in the ass that took my feet out from under me. I landed on my butt and he didn’t miss a step as he snatched me back to my feet by the scruff of my neck, all to the cheers and applause of the cops in the station.
Do we want most embarrassing to me or to those around me?
To me was probably one night, while at the soldiers bar, I’m having a gay old time chugging my beers and chatting with friends. The bartender is a nice guy and he’s pouring screwdrivers for free to share with him. After Lord knows how many beers and about four screwdrivers, I decide I’m drunk enough not to hurt myself if I go dance (I have a bad back.) I’t a good thing I was drunk enough to feel no pain, because as I tried, stupidly, to dance with any girl nearby, I toppled and did a summersault, ending up face-first near the endge of the dance floor. It wouldn’t have been so bad had not nearly everyone else there been “gin an’ juice” gangsta sort. Made a stupidly drunk white guy look like a total moron, I tells ya.
Most embarrassing to another was probably Christmas Eve a few years back. My honey was at church doing the church-before-Christmas deal that seems so popular. I was getting ripped with family members after dinner. Getting a bit bored, I get a ride from a sober person to my girl’s church and storm in, running around like a loon, up and down the stairs, to the balcony, around the whole place looking for her. I finally find her and plunk down heavily at her side with a “HIYA!” I felt totally in the Christmas spirit, but most of the folks at the church didn’t seem to see the humor, including my gal.
I step out of the car, my eyes see my leg on the ground but I can’t feel it (it’s asleep). My brain could not process the contradictory signals, and I went lurching across the pavement, partially trying to fall/break my fall, and partially walking because my leg was indeed still under me.
Finally got myself back under control about 6 steps later to hoards of laughter from strangers.
Water Park in Pennsylvania. Giant waterslide, bleachers at the bottom so everybody can see the belly-flop landings. I am sixteen and wearing a bathing suit with one thin strap around the neck but otherwise it’s kind of a tube top.
You all know where this is going.
At least, looking at a picture of me soon afterwards (yes, I have a sheepish expression but my suit is back in place) I gave everybody a great show.
We’re in a mall, and a very high class, shiny mall. I was recovering from some sort of stomach flu and had had some food for the first time in a couple days. And,I bought a couple of jawbreakers, thinking the sugar would do me good. Well, the influx of sugar must’ve went to my head because I was really, really giddy.
I dropped the jawbreaker I was working on. It was red & at the moment, slimy. It bounced on the wooden floor in the food court. For some reason I thought it was hilarious, and decided to kick it. Hard. As soon as I did, I just knew it was going to break one of the plate glass windows surrounding the nearby clothing boutiques. It didn’t. It pinged into the ass of a middle-aged woman wearing winter white wool slacks. She whipped around, trying to figure out what hit her and who did it. My friend and I were laughing, and while she gave us a dirty look, she evidently didn’t think two women (girls at that moment) in their 20s could be capable of pinging her ass.
Anyway, I was laughing but mortified by what I’d done. And then, I ended up getting The Hat, the band’s prize for doing something stupid while on tour, and The Lead Pipe, my music sorority’s prize for doing something stupid at any time. Yeah. I deserved them.
However, it was really nice to laugh, after having to throw up in the tour bus’ bathroom multiple times, sleeping on the bus for the better part of two days and not being able to play because throwing up had temporarily destroyed my diaphragm. Yea, that was a fun trip.
To this day, I wonder if the woman’s slacks were ruined with a nasty jawbreaker stain.
I’ve always had a problem passing out. It happens about once a year, normally while I’m at home and I can usually feel it coming on. Rarely do I get hurt by this other than getting a bump on my head.
Freshman year of high school, I’m in health class. The teacher was Mrs. Whitfield. I’m sitting at my desk an I feel one of these spells coming on. I try to put my head on the desk, but it’s too late. I pass out, hit my nose on the desk and then hit the floor.
When I wake up a minute or two later my face is covered in blood. Mrs. Whitfield is holding on to me. They’ve already called the ambulance. When I finally get to the hospital I find out that I’ve fractured my nose and I have carpet burn all over the side of my face. Not just little spots either. One was the side of a quarter on my cheek. Another covered half of my chin. The one on my forehead was half an inch by two inches.
My friends later told me that they spent the rest of the day having to defend me from the rumors that I was a heroin addict who got pregnant and had a coathanger abortion. Not sure where all that came from.
I went on this conference when I was in high school. Due to nerves, bad food and the smell of fish (what everyone else was eating), I ended up with the most spectacular case of the shits. Since I wasn’t eating and everyone else was I figured I was safe alone in the can and I wouldn’t gross anyone out. Unfortunately, right after I flushed, one of the other girls (the one from my school) went in the stall. The smell must have been pretty bad because it made her puke all over the floor. She was really nice about it though. We opened a window to air the place out and she told our chaperone that the fish wasn’t agreeing with her.
Granted one person isn’t really out in public but it was still pretty embarrassing.
Just as bad was about 3 years ago. Mr Congo’s family had their yearly reunion. After the festivities, his aunt and her family went to his parents house for an extended visit because they’re from Nebraska and don’t get here much. Most of us (there were about 13 of us) were sitting at the table playing cards. Phase 10 to be exact. Mr. Congo skipped me right before I was going to win the game. I let fly an f-bomb before I even thought. I noticed that everyone at the table was blushing (or trying not to laugh). I was oblivious to what was so funny until Mr. Congo Senior pointed behind my head. His sister was right behind me. His MORMON sister. Oops.
This was my first time meeting them. Thankfully, they seem to still like me. I think…
EVERYONE that had shown up already for the party - and that included my bosses and a number of higher-echelon folks - was treated to the vision of me flying onto my keester. Thankfully, I jammed my wrist badly enough on impact to have the excuse of leaving immediately to have it looked at (wasn’t broken, although it hurt like hell). The following Monday, our ditzy department secretary came up to me and gave me these profound words of comfort: “You know, after you left, two other people slipped and fell on that slippery floor too. I just wanted you to know that it wasn’t just you being clumsy, or anything.” Thank you so much!