“I want more rams on my computer.”
(woman desiring computer upgrade)
That was a well-plotted piece of non-claptrap that never made me want to retch.
Monkey thongs : one of my friend’s screen names, named after her favorite pair of thongs. :o
“Intelligent Life.”
That one cracks me up every time . . .
Dr. Watson
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
I just heard this being said by a harried, exhausted mom to her five year old, while he was crying, sitting in a shopping cart.
“Stop crying!! You want me to give you something to cry about?”
- Which did she want?? *
“Um, according to who? Nothing more than a high brow troll, though occasionally the bi polar personality swung in a constructive direction on innocuous topics.” Omniscient
“You see with your eyes, not with your hands.”
This isn’t a statement, more of a silly idea. My late grandmother used to fill buckets and wastebaskets with water and stand them around her apartment, on the theory that they would put moisture into the air.
“His eyes are as green as a fresh-pickled toad,
His hair is as dark as a blackboard,
I wish he was mine, he’s really divine,
The hero who conquered the Dark Lord.”
- Excuse me, do you have the time?
- Yes.
The next wiseass that does this to me is toast, I swear.
Coldfire
Voted Poster Most Likely To Post Drunk
WallyM7 on Coldfire:
"Yeah, he knows a little about everything because they have a good prison library."
This seems a safe enough thread to delurk on.
I work in a hospital admissions office, and one of the forms we have to get patients to sign is a consent for a blood transfusion in case of an emergency. At least fifty percent of the patients respond with some variation of: “Well, just don’t give me any of that AIDS blood.”
Right. We’ll just put it back on the shelf for the next patient who doesn’t specifically state they don’t want the AIDS blood. Hey, if you don’t tell us, how are we supposed to know?
Eve,
is that for real? I’d never heard that part. Thanks.
New and Improved
Enright3
When working at the main branch of our City/County library. (A huge four-story building) People would walk in dozens of times a day and say: “Where are all the books?”
uh… would you care to be it BIT MORE SPECIFIC!!!
Jezebel, welcome to the Straight Dope Message Board! Nice post. Say, I’m new, too. Do you mind if I practice my bolding and italics and bullets on you? Thanks.
May your visits with us be as pleasant as a walk through a summer meadow with a suitcase full of thousand-dollar bills and no tax man in sight.
The only place you’re likely to get flamed is over in the BBQ Pit, so don’t worry.
[ul][li]So long![/li][li]Farewell![/li][li]Goodbye![/ul][/li]
Bye! 
I used to work at Radio Shack. Guys would send in their S/O in for something. I’m sure he would give a detailed description of what he wanted, but what I would get is, “My husband sent me in here to get an adapter.”
Having several hundred different adapters in the store I say, “What sort of adapter does he need.”
“How should I know, he just said he needed some sort of adapter.”
When I worked at the movie theater I used to keep a “Magic 8-Ball” in the box office so I could answer questions asked by people who assumed I was psychic.
“Will I get a ticket if I park there?”
“Are you going to sell out tonight?”
“Do I need to make a reservation for the restaurant down the street?”
“When will people start lining up?”
Please note that whenever I ventured to give a serious answer to any of these questions I was met with disbelief to downright scorn. It didn’t matter what I answered because if it wasn’t what they wanted to hear they wouldn’t listen anyway.
“Whaddya mean you don’t think it will sell out? This movie is supposed to be so great!”
“No line? WHy no line? You’re saying we can walk right in at showtime?”
etc, etc, etc…Don’t get me started on the “Coconut Oil will kill you” fanatics.
“Mrs. Krabappel, are you trying to seduce me?”
Whenever someone says “be right back,” I always say “be left front”; Also “blf” for “brb.”
When we’re about to return to the building, I say, “let’s become simultaneous and coincide.”
If someone doesn’t want to take my advice, I say, “Like they said during the doctors’ strike, suit yourself.”
Damn… I crack myself up… :laugh: 
That would apply for a lawyer’s strike, too.
You say “cheesy” like that’s a BAD thing.
And a tailors’ strike.
Okay, to respond to the OP, whenever anyone said “hey,” for any reason, my mom would break in with, “Straw is cheaper, grass is free, horses eat it, why dont we?”
I’ll stop procrastinating tomorrow.
person1: so, you got a weak back
person2: yes, I have a weak back
person1: when did you get a weak back
person2: oh, 'bout a week back
hahahahaha
Al Gore :
(a) invented the INTERNET
(b) fought “big tobacco”
© is for “reforming government”
(d) was on active duty in Vietnam
I don’t know which one is silliest!
As a hospital technician a favourite I used to get when ward staff phoned to report a breakdown,
“What’s wrong with it?”
“Dunno”-me,
“Why not you’re meant to be a repair man?”
“Cos I’m on the phone talking to you”,
“When will it be working?”
“Dunno”
“What sort of repair man are you”
“One that’s in a building 100 yards away”
I just had to give it up.