Okay, I see a couple of other requests for stories, so I will tell one on myself. It’s been 30+ years since this happened and I still think it’s one of the funniest things that has ever happened to me. For those familiar with the Austin, TX area, you’ll recognize some of the descriptions.
I started out in the Communications Division and worked my way into Patrol. My very first night out on the street as a commissioned peace officer, my partner (let’s call him Bill) and I had taken a burglary call in Del Valle, which is just east of Austin and at that time was the location of Bergstrom AFB (now the Austin airport). We were parked in a parking lot at about 0230 while I wrote the report and Bill snoozed, in the time-honored manner of officer training everywhere. As we are so occupied, a car comes sailing past us doing just under the speed of sound. I dropped the clipboard, threw the car in gear, stomped the gas and hit the lights and siren, promptly scaring Bill back awake. I go sailing after the speeder and finally pull them over up by the Bastrop interchange on 71.
We get out, and as the driver, I make the contact. Bill gets out and checks the back seat of the car for a midget with a bazooka, doesn’t see anything and moves around the front of the car. In the meantime, the driver has exited the car and she is one of the most stunningly beautiful young women I have ever laid eyes on. I hit her up for her license and start in on the routine about why was she speeding, was there an emergency of some kind.
Her: Yes, sort of.
Me : Sort of?
Her: Yes, sir. I just started my period and I’m trying to find a gas station with a restroom so I can put in a Tampax.
Now, as Bill tells it, my lower jaw hit my kneecaps and I stood there for a moment. I’m still trying to be Mr. Professional Deputy and all that, so the conversation finally continues.
Me : Ma’am. that’s not a real emergency.
Her: Well, it is to me!
I start writing the ticket.
Her: Are you going to give me a ticket on top of all this?
Me : Yes, ma’am.
She does that thing that women do where they manage to inflate themselves up to about three times their regular size, gives me The Look and unloads on me.
Her: YOU COLD-HEARTED LITTLE BASTARD! THE LAST FOUR COPS I TOLD THAT TO LET ME GO!
Bill cracks up laughing. After a moment, so do I. After a moment, so does she when she realizes that she just stuck her foot in her mouth. I was nice and only wrote her for 70 in a 55 (I’d clocked her at 95) because she had amused me.
The next day, I come into work. Bill has told this story all over the department and on my locker is a freshly drawn sign:
THE COLD-HEARTED BASTARD
OF TRAVIS COUNTY, TEXAS