I once woke up with an open jar of Vaseline on my chest, just about to dip my wedding ring in it like I was attending some kind of bizarre fondue party. I had somehow managed – in my sleep – to open the bedside drawer, pull out and open the jar, balance it on my chest, and pull off my wedding ring. Why? Don’t ask me! I no longer sleep with my ring on. Who knows what I’ll do to it next time?
What are your stories? (And try to keep it clean, please!)
Standing, dick in hand, peeing on a chest at the foot of the bed.
I once woke up with a bunch of my wife’s hair in my mouth.
Yelling “spider, spider”, while trying to smash the spider that I thought had fallen into the bed from the ceiling above. There was no spider. Needless to say, my now husband was not amused.
Was it still attached to her head?!
I don’t have anything too crazy to contribute; I sometimes wake up clawing at my chest but I don’t remember what was so stressful in my dream!
I think the OP is an instant threadwinner. The ‘‘weirdest’’ I’ve ever woken up doing is punching the shit out of the bed next to me. Thank goodness my husband was already up and around.
You should listen to the tales of one of my all time favorite comedians, Mike Birbiglia, who has a life-threatening sleep disorder. He somehow makes it funny.
Thanks for that; it was funny as hell and insightful too. That’s the mark of a great comedian, IMO.
Now this didn’t happen to me, but there’s a classic old post where Scylla describes waking up to find a large levitating sinister presence hovering towards the bed with menacing intent through the malignant darkness.
That there is one of the funniest things ever posted on the Dope, Snowboarder Bo. Thanks for letting me enjoy it for one more time.
Snowboarder Bo, I laugh myself silly every time I read that!
I am a serious sleepwalker to this day and got to live out the common nightmare of suddenly finding yourself at school in your underwear. I lived in the dorm right on the university quadrangle my sophomore of college. I went to bed exhausted one night and slowly came to about 5 am standing in the middle of the quad only dressed in a pair of tiny, ragged bikini underwear that barely existed because I had them since high school and they were years past their prime and way too small by that point.
I did the exact wrong thing. In my confusion, I panicked and ran into one of the major student buildings nearby and straight into the bathroom to lock myself in a stall for the next two hours while trying to figure out what to do. Well that didn’t solve the problem at all because I was going to have to reverse course at some point to get back to my room while crossing a busy road and running up three flights of stairs during the same time the whole area was getting very busy.
I finally just had to do it about 7 am and take my chances that I would be able to get back into my room at all. Luckily, my roommate hadn’t come back yet from his night job to lock up and the door was still open but I did get to wave as I ran past lots of people as I made it back some of whom I knew. I didn’t know if it was better to admit to a sleepwalking problem or just let people think I was an early morning exhibitionist so I never mentioned it to them again.
I don’t really have any interesting things to mention. I guess the most interesting thing I’ve ever awoken to find myself doing is orgasming.
I had a dream when I was little girl that I found some money and when I woke up my right hand was in a fist and when I opened my hand my money was gone so I looked on the floor for it ! LOL!
Went to sleep in bed, woke up downstairs on the couch the next morning. With no memory of having moved.
Not me, but our older son at 3-4. He walked into our room in the middle of the night, saying he needed water. He picked up one of Ms. P’s bras and left. We thought he’d still go to the bathroom and get water, but he went back to his room. We checked on him, and he was trying to put the bra on his feet.
When I was about 4, I awoke to find myself in the bedroom closet, urinating on my brother’s shoes.
A few days ago, I woke from a frightening dream, shook off the sleep paralysis and shouted, NO! NO! which ended the dream and the emotions. I no longer remember the dream except for the feeling of danger and panic.
Many, many years ago, my then husband, who was a notorious sleep walker and sleep talker, had sex with me while he was still asleep. He woke at the moment of crisis. Very weird for him, I would say.
As a child I woke up siting across a recliner in the living room.
As an adult I’ve yanked the curtains, complete with rod, off one window during a nightmare, also nearly broke a door during a similar dream.
He’s very funny IMHO. My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend is well worth a watch on Netflix if you like his style of comedy.
I was a sleepwalker in the 3-4yo range and once wound up about 50 yards down the street outside the apartment.
Most recently I was awakened having grabbed my wife’s breast in one hand and was apparently trying to pull it off of her. She was not amused. I have no idea what I might have been dreaming at the time.
Then there was the time lightning struck the tree outside my window and I woke up about 2 feet above the bed.
I hit the jackpot in that I have sleepwalking, sleep talking, sleep apnea and sometimes sleep eating. It is like being a ghost for yourself.
I have put on some real shows before besides the one I mentioned earlier. I once tore down a bookcase in my bedroom during a thunderstorm when I was a teenager so that I could jump out the window (first floor thankfully). I had no idea why I was laying on the floor of the living covered in mud when I woke up the next morning.
My mother woke me up from a nap once and I thought the whole house was about to cave in so I tried to force the whole family out before they convinced me that it was just dinner time. I also disappeared for real once in New Orleans for a whole night and woke up on a stranger’s porch miles away with no idea where I was and covered in mud. No, I don’t do drugs. It is a freak thing that is usually triggered by sleep deprivation.
There have been many more examples as well. People sometimes get mad at me about it but there isn’t anything I can do. I have already been to sleep clinics multiple times and I am just plain abnormal. The best I can do is wear my CPAP and keep good sleep hygiene. Even then, my daughters tell me that I often come out after going to bed and have whole (mostly incoherent) conversations that I have no recollection of. It has been that way since I was a little kid.