What's the worst meal you've ever been served at someone's house?

[Fenris]

*Originally posted by Fanny May *
**I have no patience with artichoke.
People love to dip the ends in butter and ooh and ahh, but it tastes like any spoon coated in butter. It has no taste at all, and when I refuse to bother with it they all pout and mention it 10 times. **

1. You don’t like artichokes?

2. You don’t like artichokes?!

3. You don’t like artichokes!

4. You don’t like artichokes?!

5. You don’t like artichokes?!

6. Everyone loves artichokes!

7. HEY Everyone!!! Fanny May doesn’t like artichokes!

8. Maybe you’ve never had a really fresh artichokes before. Have a taste.

9. I made these artichokes special. They’re different.

10. If you’d just try them, you’d like them. How can you not like artichokes?

:: Pouts ::

Fenris, who’s had similar experiences with the dreaded button mushrooms.

[Doobieous]

*Originally posted by Zenster *
**Needless to say, that’s what happened to the chili. She added a can of tomatoes without draining them and neglected to taste for salt. What hit the plates was this watery gruel of unseasoned hamburger mush. Inedible does not begin to describe it.

Christ Zenster, could you be any more of a pretentious snob? Gee, so the woman wanted to help. Haven’t you ever heard of draining the excess liquid off and reducing it, and then adding it back? Maybe if you did less chastising of people trying to help, you would have thought of that?

How to describe what he served. Let’s just leave it at cheap hotdogs, split down the middle, broiled and slathered in cheap barbecue sauce. Trust me, it tasted every bit as good as it sounds.

Actually that sounds pretty good. And i’ve actually enjoyed a meal of cheap hotdogs with cheap BBQ sauce. I’ll remember not to invite you over to my house for any food. I’ll also kindly request you never eat something i bring to a dopefest (if I ever cook something for one). Lest I make food not up to your high standards.

[Dogzilla]

*Originally posted by AWB *
**I’m curious: you say you don’t eat birds or mammals. What about reptiles, fish, crustasians (sp?). **

Not familiar with many reptile dishes… I guess people eat snake, eh? Not in my lifetime, I assure you.

However, fish and crustaceans… yummy yum! (It’s the only way I get iron, iodine or protein.) I’m all for eating things that swim.

[ShelliBean]

How appropriate that my post would appear under Dogzilla’s reptile response.
Christmas (last week) we were invited to my husband’s dad’s house for Christmas Eve - you know: dinner, opening gifts, watch the Grinch. I had an idea that things were not always tradional in what I think of for Christmas Eve. I mean, we’ve gone over there for Thanksgiving before to be served Lasagna, and I mean the frozen kind cooked in a microwave. So I prepared myself for possible a frozen dinner of some kind, or at least something a little unusual. Well, we had alligator. Big chunks of fried gator, with french fries and jambalaya. The jambalaya was good, it just wasn’t jambalaya, more like rice and beans. It was tasty though. The salad consisted of bean sprouts, uncooked ramen noodles and sunflower seeds, coated in ramen noodle seasoning, vinegar and oil. My husband and dutifully swireled the gator around on our plates, cutting it and dipping various pieces in ketchup and finally waited until the resident 3 year old caused a distraction and I flung the plate into the garbage, face down so that no one would ever see my deed. Later that night at home, I ate snack food to hold me over until my parents’ house for Christmas Day Lunch, which held culinary surprises for my husband. But that’s another story.

[Fenris]

*Originally posted by ellykat *
How appropriate that my post would appear under Dogzilla’s reptile response. Well, we had alligator. Big chunks of fried gator,
<snip>
My husband and dutifully swireled the gator around on our plates, cutting it and dipping various pieces in ketchup and finally waited until the resident 3 year old caused a distraction and I flung the plate into the garbage, face down so that no one would ever see my deed

Actually, I’ve had alligator a number of times and it’s delicious. The only way I can describe it is this: Imagine the texture of a really tender chicken breast that has the flavor of shrimp.

(On the other hand, there aren’t many foods I don’t like, from “Rocky Mountain Oysters” to rattlesnake to moose.)

Fenris

[Guinastasia]

Actually, if you take uncooked ramen, crumble it up, lightly brown it in oil for a few seconds…it makes a GREAT salad topping. It’s sooo yummy!

[TVeblen]

*Originally posted by Dogzilla *
**
Not familiar with many reptile dishes… I guess people eat snake, eh? Not in my lifetime, I assure you.

**

I’ve eaten rattlesnake. It…tasted like chicken, actually.

Slightly off topic, how about amphibians? I like frog legs, but they’re hideous to cook. I discovered this when my former brother-in-law went through his frog-gigging phase. My treasured “amputee frog” litho from the 'Poon didn’t help in this regard.

Let’s just say they kick when they hit the hot pan.

Yes, I’m a hypocritical carnivore. Frog legs are fine–if I don’t have to cook them. (Though I read somewhere that soaking them in salt water first helps eliminate the “kick”. Somehow I’m not motivated enough to find out.)

Veb

[Alessan]

In a similar vein, I am slowly learning to correctly balance salt in my food preparation. When you use salt, be sure to calculate whether there is a source of sweetness in the dish. If not, as in the case of a vinaegrette dressing, the addition of a small amount of sugar helps immensely. What happens is that the palate receives sensations from more than one quarter and a more well balanced flavor is perceived.

Zenster, isn’t there a rule that states that with tomatoes, if you add salt, you also have to add a pinch of sugar?

[ENugent]

At one point, I was engaged to an Army lieutenant. We went to his commander’s summer party, and he neglected to tell me until ten minutes before that it was potluck. But not to worry! While I was in the shower, he had cooked a dish! He had poured uncooked rice, an undiluted can of cream of mushroom soup, and a can of peas into a pot and heated them. Unfortunately, the rice did not absorb any of the liquid, so it was still crunchy, and he neglected to attempt to add any seasoning. Rather than faking an instant attack of malaria and skipping the party, I added water and quantities of herbs and cooked it further in an attempt to “fix” it, to no avail. The worst was that (of course) everyone assumed that I had made this repulsive dish that no one ate.

Needless to say, I did not marry him.

[Duck_Duck_Goose]

originally posted by GuanoLad:

my dietary peculiarities are so specific and silly.

I don’t eat vegetables. Or fruit. Or most meat dishes. Or any number of snacks (cake, cream buns, nuts, pretzels). And a whole ton of other stuff.

And it’s easier for me to just provide my own food. I never expect others to cater for me, as I’m just weird and always have been.

So don’t come over to my house to eat, as I have the extensive culinary range of a house-cat, and a taste in food not dissimilar to a six year-old (who doesn’t like cake).

originally posted by GuanoLad:
A Day In The Life Of A Strange Kid

Well let’s see.

I do eat bread, cheese, eggs, and those sort of things. Mostly.

(When I was a kid, if they needed to feed me, I got bread and cheese) (I didn’t mind, it was better than the stuff they were having)

In the meats department, I eat what you’d call frankfurters, but I call sausages. Also meat pies. And chicken. I looooove chicken. And I eat most roast meats (I come from NZ, best lamb in the wooooorrlld) Probably a couple of others too, though not many.

Baked Beans. And the equivalent of Spaghetti (i.e. not real spaghetti, but processed kiddie stuff in a can).

Junk includes: sweets, pizza (sometimes), fish and chips, KFC.

Well, I have to say I’m disappointed, GL. Here I was expecting some kind of astronaut/outer space/Southern California Rodale Press best-seller-of-the-month health food fad diet.

I thought you said:
No vegetables.
No fruit
Hardly any meat.
No snacks.

I couldn’t figure out what this left of the Food Pyramid, except for bread and dairy products.

So you eat:

Bread.
Cheese.
Eggs.
Hot dogs.
Meat pies.
Chicken.
Roast “meat”–lamb, beef, pork? What else is there, besides game?
Baked beans (presumably in a can).
Franco-American Spaghetti in a can.
Candy.
Pizza.
Fish and chips (here we’d say Long John Silver’s).
Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Hmm…Well, yeah, I guess you’re right. You’re the pickiest 6-year-old I’ve ever met. You mean you don’t eat cookies? Or lasagna? I’m stunned. No wonder you have to bring your own food when you’re invited out to dinner.

Oh, and Fenris? It gives me great pleasure to present to you, on behalf of the California Artichoke Advisory Board, as a special token of their esteem, this 14K gold-plated artichoke on a handsome onyx mounting. If there were more people like you in the world, we feel sure there would be more people eating artichokes.

[Fenris]

*Originally posted by Duck Duck Goose *Oh, and Fenris? It gives me great pleasure to present to you, on behalf of the California Artichoke Advisory Board, as a special token of their esteem, this 14K gold-plated artichoke on a handsome onyx mounting. If there were more people like you in the world, we feel sure there would be more people eating artichokes.
**

::Holds award up to show the teeming millions::

I’m so greatful for this award! I’m not worthy, truly! And I’d like to thank all the little people who made this possible.

You’ve got to love the artichoke, from the fuzzy, chokey bits, to the prickly thorny bits to the tender, tender heart, it’s my favorite thistle.

If only one person eats an artichoke as a result of my post, in the words of Lena Lamont, it’ll"…make me feel as though all my hard work ain’t been in vain fer nuthin’"*

<snnnfff> ::wipes tear from eye:: And that link was beautiful, DDG. According to it,

“It’s going to be a good artichoke fall,” says Dale Huss, grower for Ocean Mist Farms in Castroville, California. He attributes this relatively early fall crop to La Nina. La Niña tends to bring dryer, cooler weather.

‘An Artichoke Fall’. What a beautiful phrase. I shall sleep soundly at night, knowing that.

Fenris

[Burrito_Boy]

When I was in college, one weekend a friend of mine was heading home and I tagged along with her. Well, to celebrate, her mom made a nice big meal for us. Now, the meal was largely just dandy–a well-cooked roast, a potato dish, some bread, that kind of thing–so no complaints for 90% of the meal. But that other 10%… they served, as a side dish, this… THING… called “mustard ring”. It looked just like a gelatin mold, except it was opaque yellow–the color of mustard. In fact, my friend had been all excited the whole way to her house, telling me about this mustard ring dish and how it was a family specialty and how she couldn’t wait for me to try it. So anyhoo, her mom dishes up a big slice of mustard ring on my plate. Everyone around the table is just eating the stuff straight–I thought maybe you put it on your meat or something. So I got a glob of mustard ring on my fork, stuck it in my mouth… and nearly gagged. Mustard-flavored jell-o. That’s pretty much all it was. These people were eating mustard-flavored jell-o! “Mmmm… boy, that’s different!” was about all I could muster. And to be polite, to avoid offense–after all, these folks were having second and third helpings of this stuff–I ate every hideous bite on my plate. Every time I lifted a forkful of mustard ring to my mouth, my hand was just trembling. I did my best to just shove it down my throat so I wouldn’t have to taste it. But–so help me God–I finished that crap, and I never said a bad word about to their faces. And I never went home with my friend ever again.

[GuanoLad]

Hmm…Well, yeah, I guess you’re right. You mean you don’t eat cookies? Or lasagna?

Don’t eat lasagna, and when it comes to roast meats, it’s never beef, and pretty close to never pork. I do eat biscuits (cookies) though. Well, some kinds.

[ignatzmouse]

Ohhh! This reminds me of a meal I had at an old woman’s house in Brataslava. The woman rented out her son’s room to tourists like myself. Meals were included. The first meal I had was chicken. Although it was served with stale rolls it was quite good. She had even removed the skin, in what I thought might be consideration for my health. The second meal dispelled that idea. She ground up the skin, breaded it and fried it. MMMMMM!

If only that were the most disturbing thing to happen at that house.

[Broken_Doll]

My mum used to make the worst food. Stuff like watery spaghetti and stuff like that. It traumatized me and my siblings so badly that now when we make our own spaghetti, the sauce is so thick it’s hard to swallow. But it sure beats that watery, tomato mess we used to have to eat.

[Duck_Duck_Goose]

[wiping splorted coffee off keyboard]

curse you fenris i just bought this keyboard in august run up a flag or somethin when youre gonna do somethin like that okay

geez

[peepthis]

Have you ever been over a friend’s house to eat and the food just ain’t no good? I mean the macaroni’s soggy, the peas are mushed and the chicken tastes like wood. So you try to play it off like you think you can by saying that you’re full, and then your friend says “Momma, he’s just being polite, he ain’t finished uh uh that’s bull!”

So your heart starts pumping and you think of a lie and you say that you already ate, and your friend says “Man, there’s plenty of food!” so he piles some more on your plate. Now while the stinky food’s steaming your mind starts to dreaming of the moment it’s time to leave, and then you look at your plate and your chicken’s slowly rotting into something that looks like cheese! So you say “That’s good I got to leave this place, I don’t care what these people think; I’m just sitting here making myself nauseous with this ugly food that stinks!”

So you bust out the door while its still close – still sick from the food you ate – and then you run to the store for quick relief from a bottle of Kaopectate. And then you call your friend two weeks later to see how he has been, and he says, “I understand about the food, baby bubbah, but we’re still friends.”

Or maybe that happened to someone else, I can’t remember too well, but I’ll spare you the other 12 minutes of the story.

[slackergirl]

I have several vegetarian friends who love dal (sp?) which as far as I can tell is pureed lentils. I have been served this a couple of times over the years and I will never be polite again. I’m just not eating it. It looks like a big plate of mushy baby poop and tastes about like I would imagine mushy baby poop to taste like. I think I’ve tried it 3 different times, cooked by different people. Each experiment was different, but they all were nasty.

[KJ]

I do not like artichoke.

[Fenris]

*Originally posted by KJ *
**I do not like artichoke. **

How can you say that!

Perhaps poetry can convince you otherwise:

An Ode to Artichoke
by Fenris, First winner of the * Duck Duck Goose Golden Thistle Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Artichokes ("[sup]mmMM[/sup]MMmm[sub]mmmmm[/sub]…pricky"), in honor of Duck Duck Goose, who chose me for this honor. And, for the California Artichoke Advisory Board I present:*

Artichoke, o Artichoke

My thistle of Love
your praises I sing
You’re my green, thorny dove
Of veggies, you’re king

Creamy green flesh
That I’m longing to eat
all covered with thorns
your taste can’t be beat.

The soft, fuzzy choke
lies on top of your heart
I must cut it away
e’re the eating can start.

Your purple-green stem
which, when peeled and steamed
Is no longer stringy
A buttery dream

::bows::

Thank you. And for my next and last poem in honor of the Uber-thistle, I present a free-form, beatnik-style number. Picture Greenwich Village coffee houses in the early-'60s. Imagine sipping expresso whilst a bongo is being played rather badly. Imagine me orating this, in a DEEPLY serious voice:

LoveThistle

An Artichoke Fall.
Summerwinterspring!
An Artichoke Fell.
Who pushed
Artichoke!

Thorn, choke, stem!
Mmmm…Buttery

o sublime thistle
o choke of Love
o rapturous enthorn’ed vegetable!

pity this poor thistle not, manunkind

Artichoke-pie and Artichoke-dowdy
Make my eyes light up and my tummy say “howdy”

Thistlethorn-thistlethorn

Artichoke.

Thank you all.

Fenris