Accepting certain “hard truths” about yourself (“I will never be a size 8…”, “I am never going to be comfortably middle-class…”, “I am never going to meet Mr. or Miss Right…BUT I AM STILL AWESOME”) so that you can enjoy the moment and be confident in yourself, no matter what.
Or being a constant work in progress, wherein every flaw or weakness can be corrected with enough discipline and goal-setting. “Never say never!” would be the mantra. There’s only one locus of control–the individual–and a person can get whatever they want in life if they direct their energies productively towards their goals.
Pros of acceptance: it’s easier on the ego. Its probably easier to cope with inadequacies than to try to fix them, especially if you’re the only one who even knows they exist. And by sublimating hard-to-attain wants and desires into more practical avenues, a person can achieve great things and do things they never thought they’d ever do. Maybe, in the process of living, those wants and desires will be fulfilled.
Pros of deliberate self-improvement: a heightened sense of control that is conducive for hope and optimism. So even if you aren’t a size 8 today, you can always work harder tomorrow and get there. Great things are always within reach as long as you focus on them. There’s nothing better than the self-satisfaction of accomplishing personal goals and being an active participant in making your dreams come true.
I know people are going to say a little bit of each perspective is the best way to go, but I think everyone is bent a certain way. Which attitude is more “you”? And what are the downsides?
I love self-improvement, but acceptance is more my style. I adapt quickly to changes in plans and new circumstances. The hardest thing I ever had to accept for myself was that I’m always going to be chronically depressed. But I did. I accepted it, and it made life much easier. And I mean, a whole fundamental part of my religion is about acceptance (I’m a Buddhist.) So yeah, acceptance.
Acceptance all the way. I strongly believe it is the healthier way for most ( but not all) people. An interesting way this shows up is in attitudes toward death. Some people who are dying make their peace with it, others need to go down fighting until the end.
Acceptance works best for me but is not the easiest path for me. It doesn’t mean allowing the world to dump its poop at my doorstep and me dumbly receiving it as the best I deserve. It just means that when the poop gets dumped instead of looking for a pony or for someone else to come clean it up I sweep the steps to make room for something better tomorrow.
I think for that to happen it takes something stronger than hope. And that’s faith. With a small f - Knowing that I can and will survive life’s bumps and bruises, that I will learn from them and maybe even develop some new ways to bring good things my way.
Do I get tired? Oh yeah. Then I whine a bit and when I’m done with that I start again. When I get too old and tired to keep it going then I’ll move over and give my seat to someone else.
I struggle between those two viewpoints daily. I feel like Gollum sometimes, with the two voices. My inability to find a happy balance between them makes me very frustrated and sometimes angry.
Acceptance isn’t easy when the world bombards you with messages that you are “wrong”. How can a person accept their body shape, for instance, when every five minutes there’s a news report talking about how morbidly fat we are? Also, we are raised never to give up, to always have hope, and to accept responsibility for everything that’s less ideal about ourselves. It sounds so passive and surrendering for a person to say, “I have accepted that this is just how it is. I’m not trying to change it anymore.”
But constantly hoping and working for change can sometimes feel like beating your head against the wall. After failing and failing and failing, eventually you need to take a step back and reassess the wisdom of what you’re trying to do. And not everything can be changed. Not by working harder, praying more, crossing your fingers, or anything else. What sounds inspirational on its face can actually be a recipe for depression, IMHO.
I never looked at those things as ‘hard truths’. I gained weight, so through hard work I lost it again. I was poor and in debt, but through hard work I am now doing better than ever. I feel like I have always had better luck with dating than I could fairly expect, but at least part of that is also through effort. I don’t think I am awesome though- pride before the fall and all that.
I guess my attitude is, “do something or stop complaining”. It is worth the trouble to me to work through a problem, but if I am just not up for it or it is too far down the list, then I accept it.
This - acceptance is for the things you can’t change, not the things that are just difficult. Somewhere down the line, people started conflating “impossible” with “somewhat difficult” or “I can’t make this happen immediately.” Preparation, practice and patience will get you through most thing, ime.
I think I’m wired for acceptance but its hard to know for sure. The things that bother me the most are things that are not impossible to change. It is because these things are not beyond my reach that I can’t ignore them and thus, am motivated to fix them.
The things I can’t change (at least within reason) are things I have no choice but to accept. If it was impossible to control my weight, for instance, I think I would be wired to accept my size as it is.
But this is simplifying things. How would I know if it was impossible for me to control my weight, really? Some parts of my personality might be amenable to modification, but even if I wanted to change those parts, do I really want to go through the arduous task of making myself act differently when it’s more practical just to accept who I am? So there is a cost-benefits analysis that comes into play. At a certain point, a person has to ask themselves if the work necessary to change is really worth it, especially if its not a guarantee that the effort will lead to improved well-being.
That’s what the serenity prayer addresses. Of course, I don’t request “God” for anything, but I acknowledge my responsibility to sort things out. Evaluating situations on a case-by-case basis but still holding to convictions instead of answering to impulse; while actually holding the convictions and not leaning on them like crutches.