Dear God, this. It’s amazing just how much people are wedded to how they handle things (“I love to help the poor cripples, and I know they appreciate it too, that I couldn’t ever be convinced to do otherwise! What I’m doing isn’t wrong, no surer!!”) that they absolutely refuse to listen to a frigging rant and nothing more because it upsets their apple cart. Sheesh, folks, it’s not about you and your feelings in this. It’s about the people you want to manhandle, patronize and ignore their wishes.
ETA: Keep fighting the good fight, Ambi. Like others have said, despite the denser reactions here, your insights do get through to some folks and it’s always a great thing to have more in the arsenal of fighting ignorance.
As a general rule, fully functional human bodies do not use wheelchairs. Yes, there’s some sort of defect, otherwise the person would be walking instead of wheeling. It’s not a naughty word. Could say “disability”, “injury”, “handicap”, and a lot of other things, too, but since there’s so much trouble with comprehension here I opted for the word with the least syllables.
Oh POOR YOU! Again, it’s all about YOU and YOUR discomfort.
No, you do not have to walk around on eggshells. The fact that it is so apparent that you do is part of what is offensive.
You can’t remember four rules?
Holy shit, I sure hope you don’t drive a car, or cook, or do any of hundreds of other things that require far more rules than that.
Why do you think it’s “ridiculous”? Does not such a person have a physical difference from yourself, one they can’t change or control?
I’m sorry you fail to comprehend that the group “wheelchair users” is not a homogeneous collection.
For some it is hard work. For some it is no big deal. It all depends on the person, what is amiss with their body, and their inherent upper body strength.
Seriously, what you’re talking about is rather like applauding an adult for being able to tie his own shoes. Unfortunately, some people can’t do that but for most wheelchair users transferring is pretty routine.
Being nice wasn’t getting through to you. I thought I’d go to plan B but clearly that isn’t working, either.
Good for you! That’s a fine job, well done! I’m proud of you!
No one here has said anything about “20” questions. You just have to ask one - “Would you like some help?” That’s it. It’s not rocket science. As a bonus, you can also use it for small children, adults carrying objects, and other situations that might include able-bodied people.
A nice anecdote that illustrates the essence of this OP is how I am often confused for the other male wheelchair user who frequents the same gym. “Oh, didn’t I see you on the basketball court the other day?” Or, “you seem to go for those massages all the time”. Etc, etc.
Now, I am a T-12 paraplegic who has full use of his body from the waist up (altho that is not particularly relevant here). I am also a white man in his mid thirties.
This other gentleman is a C-5 quadriplegic who uses a power wheelchair, and has no use of his hands and only limited use of his arms. He is also a black man in his late forties.
Now what in the world could possibly make any human being mistake the two of us? Our bodies could not be any more different, in appearance and ability. The only possible answer is that our wheelchairs are our identifying features, at the expense of everything else.
Okay, that’s a good point, Ambi. And more grist for my deeply held conviction that most people are morons. I usually expect it and roll my eyes accordingly, but that one, versus the hygienist, is the one that would have set me off. Publicly.
Pretty much all racial minorities deal with something like this. People are always confusing me with the other black chick who works on the floor, even though we look absolutely nothing alike and have personalities that couldn’t be any more different. Sometimes I’ll be talking to someone and they will refer to that other woman by my name. I used to correct them, but I don’t any more because it just makes them embarrassed.
But I can’t get too mad, because I do the same thing with the Chinese ladies that work on the floor below mine.
If there’s a universal minority experience, it’s this one.
Well, I work with lots of different people in W/C and my observation is they usually have different ways of transferring based on all the other things that are unique to their situation. Even the ones that do require assistance, if they’ve brought family members with them, are often better off without my help because they already have a method. It would be dangerously unprofessional for me to assume I knew everything a new pt needed because I’ve worked with 50 other W/C patients over the last few years, let alone one.
Sometimes these things sound to me like someone is trying to pat themselves on the back over how not-racistsexistphobicinsensitive they are. I can see how that would get tedious*, a proper rant Ambivalid.
How big of you to “patronize” to what you feel is my comprehension level. I don’t find people in wheelchairs “defective”. Just as I dont find people that can walk on two legs but maybe have cancer to be “defective” either. But back to your original statement. Of COURSE when someone wheels into a room in a wheelchair, its the first think MOST people notice. To not do so is not human. That doesn’t mean they dont understand there is a living human being in that wheelchair., or they are bad people But to just close your eyes and pretend its not there isn’t as easy as you seem to think it is for most people because most people do NOT interact with wheelchair bound people on a daily basis.
Im not getting where I am somehow trying to elicit sympathy because Im stuck in the room with someone in a wheelchair. Im just trying to point out that sometimes its human to react to such a situation out of over-sympathy or ignorance in a way that might offend someone in a wheelchair, when thats not that persons intentions at all. SORRY if we dont all act 100% perfectly in a situation we might not be familiar with.
Fine. The only reason some us feel we have to walk on eggshells is because of the OPs comments. God forbid we end up in the Pit for innocent misguided attempt at being nice to someone in a wheelchair.
Ill try. I drive every day, so those rules are kinda instinct by now. Since I interact with someone in a wheelchair maybe, I dont know, twice a year, I may have to create an app so I can look them up on my phone next time I see someone in a wheelchair that might need assistance. Maybe you can create a “yes” “no” flowchart for us able bodied dolts while you are at it.
You are trying to imply that someone who “walks on eggshells” around a grumpy person in a wheelchair is also a racist. Total bullshit, and you know it.
Im happy to hear that. I take back any admiration for someone who has overcome some or all of their disability, and declare that any wheelchair users who CANT pull themselves up on a chair by themselves are whining pussies.
Happy now?
I somehow missed the “nice” part between being told Im “clueless”, and my statements were “stupid”. Ill need to re-read your post, Im sure theres a compliment in there somewhere.
Im proud of myself and thank my parents for instilling good manners in me. Thank you.
Id love to ask someone like the OP “Would you like some help?” if I saw them in need. Im just afraid they’d snap at me, and post about what a annoying heartless bastard I am on this Board. But Ill take your word for it and report back the first time I get my head snapped off for daring notice thats theres is a wheelchair in the near vicinity.
You must be one of those people who are thinking about what they’re going to say next when someone else is talking rather than listening to them. It’s been pointed out to you several times that simply asking if someone needs help is NOT THE ISSUE.
I wonder what would happen if russian heel (or anyone in this thread) saw a person in a wheelchair, asked them if they wanted help with something, got snapped at, and said that someone they knew online had said that was an appropriate question to ask. Would the reply be “don’t compared me to some other disabled person. We’re not all the same, you know.”
You seem quite content to patronize the disabled and expect people to be OK with that, yet you get offended when YOU are patronized. You don’t seen any hypocrisy there?
No, THEY are not defective, they have a defect. I’m sorry the distinction eludes you.
Apparently some people DO have that problem. Otherwise we wouldn’t be having this rant.
I don’t interact with wheelchair users on a daily basis, either, yet somehow I manage to achieve that mighty, mighty, feat.
There’s a difference between making a mistake in a social setting vs. having a kneejerk reaction from one extreme to another.
You haven’t been snapped at by some able-bodied asshole for no good reason? Does that make you walk around on eggshells around able-bodied people?
Yes, when you interact with strangers you risk a negative reaction no matter how polite, considerate, and correct you are.
Technically, the term is “ableist”. And no, you weren’t talking about just “grumpy” wheelchair users, you were talking about all of them. You’re judging a whole group by the conduct of just a few of the members.
That’s the exact point - you not only need to see the wheelchair, you need to see the PERSON in the wheelchair!
If that happened to me (and it has) my response is usually “Sorry to have bothered you” and I just walk away. Why do you feel the need to engage further or explain?
As a wheelchair user, you know what I don’t do? Dwell on all this bullshit. Life’s too short.
I go to a barber, and I swear he thinks I’m still a child. But he’s a great barber and his gaffes are benign and come from a good heart. I think I’d blow his mind if he knew I was a married man getting a PhD.
But here’s my daily experience:
I battle bureaucrats and health professionals almost daily. The prevailing opinion is that I should be grateful to be alive, and being able to also have a life is just asking too much. When I said I needed a ventilator as quiet as my old one so that I could potentially see the symphony, I got an eyeroll and a sarcastic comment, as if I were asking too much to want to maintain the social outings I can enjoy. Another health professional suggested I be put in a nursing home at one point for financial reasons.
A teacher at my high school who specialised in disability suggested “University is not an option” and I should “realise [my] limitations”. This was in the mid-'90s mind you, not the '50s.
Parents pull their children away in public like I’m the Elephant Man (which I’m not–I just have Muscular Dystrophy). Other people cut in front of me like I wasn’t there. A lot of service people talk to my carer or wife instead of me.
Want to go out somewhere? Is it accessible? In a wheelchair your options are limited. Going to a concert? Good thing the wheelchair row is just low enough that if everyone stands, there goes your chance to see anything. Those $180 Prince tickets seem even more expensive than they did in the first place.
Of course, when my van broke down, I had to crowdfund for a new one (and thank you Dopers!). Buying a $2000 runaround was not an option.
I rarely talk about this stuff because it’s just the way things are. My life is pretty good, all things consideried. But if one day I’m feeling frustrated because I’m treated like a child AGAIN due to my disability, and that’s just the last straw that day, it’s additionally frustrating to be told to “get over it” by someone who has never had anything close to the experiences I’ve had in my life.
I’m well aware of why these things happen. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t still wear you down some days.
Not for nothing, but is the OP’s name derivative of invalid ? :dubious: Because I might be confused by someone who doesn’t want his disability to be the focal point of his life yet chooses a user name that emphasizes that very thing.
If I have this wrong, please correct me. I tried to parse it as Ambivalid, with the stress on “valid”, but when I see the name, it involuntarily reads in my head as
Am *BIV *a lid, which in turn my brain translates to a play on “ambivalent invalid”.
Ambivalid has every right to be upset about what he wrote about in his OP. The reason he gets so much push back is the way he has acted on the boards over the years. He has gotten a lot better, but some people aren’t going to forget some of his early shenanigans.
Well, the point of the OP is (at the risk of being mercilessly flamed) that Ambivalid wanted his dental hygienist to treat him as a unique individual, and not to take her cues from what another disabled person (in this case, an elderly woman) wanted and needed. And yet we’re also discussing Ambivalid’s advice on how to treat any random disabled person we might encounter; what level of help is appropriate to offer, and how.
“Ambi” means “both”. I figured his name signifies both invalid and valid: he’s both able to do things and unable to do things. Or something like that. It’s a pretty clever name.
