It used to be perfectly normal to compliment black people for being a “credit to their race”. I can’t imagine someone saying that to me now (though people have come close). But it used to be something black people heard all the tme.
If it weren’t for black people standing up and telling white people to cut that crap out, there’s no doubt in my mind this would still be considered a kind gesture, rather than condescending pap.
So I don’t think you were a fool.
Huh. If this were the sense in which she contacted you, then yeah, I agree. But it doesn’t sound to me like it was: it sounds like she wanted to show your picture to her disabled cousin, who presumably is also in a wheelchair. And I’m not seeing that as a particularly awful request.
Ambivalid, is what monstro saying what the problem was? That is, would you have been fine if she’d been writing to you to ask if she could show your picture to her cousin because she liked your haircut and thought it’d look good on him?
If so, I apologize. But that’s not at all what I got from your post: sounded to me like the problem was making a friendly, nonromantic contact on a dating site.
I think the key word is “inspiration.” I don’t think anyone wants to hear that they’re an inspiration on a dating website.
i don’t think she was comparing that you were equally in need of help.
she was saying she was somewhat experienced and wouldn’t drop you on your ass.
I suspect there’s a pretty significant weight difference between an 83 year old woman in poor health, and a thirty-some-odd year old male bodybuilder.
If she were saying he was an inspiration to her, yeah, that’d be 100% obnoxious, and I’d get it. But she was talking about using his picture as an inspiration for her disabled cousin. That doesn’t sound nearly as bad to me–although I’m open to an explanation for why it is.
How does that make it less obnoxious?
I dunno. I could be wrong here, but the scenario I’m inferring is that maybe she’s got a cousin in a wheelchair who’s depressed about it and not doing much, and she wanted to show him this dude who was in a wheelchair and was doing awesome things while in a wheelchair. It’s a very specific and relevant sort of inspiration, not a general, “Oh you disabled people, you’re so brave” sort of nonsense.
But I’m happy to let ambivalid explain to me what the problem was. Again, I read his problem as being not that she wanted to show his picture to her cousin, but that she dared to contact him on a dating site for non-dating reasons.
Let’s say that I, a black woman, has her picture up on a dating site.
Someone contacts me and says, “Wow, you’re so pretty! You remind me of my cousin, who my aunt and uncle adopted (she’s African American). I just sent her your picture to inspire her. Good luck in your dating adventures!”
I really don’t know how I would respond to this. How would you feel?
See, you lost me there, but my dentists and oral surgeons have mostly had attractive hygienists I had to stay tough around since I burn off Novocaine twice as fast as most people.
Mike Royko had a column where he gleefully told the tale of a guy in a chair who was was mugged. Make that an “attempted mugging,” because though his legs were weak from polio, pushing himself around in a chair gave him the upper body strength of a gorilla, and he wiped the floor with his mugger.
::shakes finger at Ambivalid:: No no no! You’re supposed to just be grateful that a pretty girl paid attention to you let alone thought you’d be an inspiration to her poor crippled cousin! Now she’s gonna resent you for creating awkwardness, you meanie 
@ Dorkness I can understand why it would be offensive in that context. It happened on a dating site where by definition people are looking for intimacy, not random “you go, awesome wheelchair guy!” type pats on the head.
It would be different on a site like here where she could post “my cousin recently ended up in a wheelchair and is bummed out about it, can some other handicapped people share some interesting things they do to inspire him?”
It also strikes me as a little patronizing towards the cousin, since who knows if he really is depressed or would appreciate his cousin’s meddling or if he’d even be inspired by a bodybuilder.
Under those circumstances, I would feel like an aspect of my personality that I had no control over was being substituted for who I was, and I’d feel objectified and irritated.
But I don’t think that’s exactly what’s going on here.
So, lemme try reworking the analogy:
Let’s say you have your picture up, and one of the pictures is of you doing field research. Someone contacts you and says, “Wow, that’s awesome! I teach sixth grade biology, and I’d love to show this picture of you being all sciencey to my students; I think they’d find it inspiring, especially the African American girls in my class. Would it be okay if I show them this picture?”
How would you respond in that case? Your identity is still part of why they’re making the request, but now what you’re doing is very important.
If my picture was on a website showcasing the achievements of women and minority scientists, this wouldn’t be an annoying comment. I’d expect it.
But if it were a website showcasing me as a potential romantic partner? The only comments I get better be talking about how sexy and hot I am. I don’t want to hear about inspiring I am for the black youth of America while getting my mack on.
Fair enough. I’m the last person on earth who should be telling people how to handle the whole dating scene, so it’s very likely that my misunderstanding of etiquette around dating websites is coloring my views here. I withdraw my criticism and apologize for being a dick to you, ambivalid.
Goddamn exactly right. Perfectly said.
What people seem to miss is how all these things slowly grind you down. Each instance is well-intentioned yet slightly dehumanising; years of these interactions, day in and day out start to accumulate.
I’m always polite because most people are doing their best. But I can still rant about it later.
I pretty much cop this stuff on the chin because life’s too short. I don’t mind being an “inspiration” these days, either. But I routinely find that I’m either treated as being superhuman or less-than-human and very rarely as just a person when I’m out in public, and it’s very hard to convey that experience to anyone who is part of the white majority.
Whoa there,now Lobot. You had me up until the “anyone who is part of the white majority”. May I ask who / what you are a part of? This is not meant to be a leading or snarky question; I’m not familiar with you so don’t know from what perspective you make this comment.
I need some more info before I can pass judgment on the dental hygienist.
Were you there to be fitted for dentures?
Were you wearing a lace cap and/or shawl?
Were you crocheting at the time?
Ambivilad, this one is important:* did you offer her a boiled sweetie?*
If your answers are mostly yes, then you need to cut her some slack, and perhaps you could give me some pointers on a blanket I hope to crochet. If mostly no, then I’m 100% behind you on this rant and you did such a good job of it, yes you did! Ha, it’s ok, I’ll slap myself for that one. 
Again, exactly fucking right. And I like to be a source of inspiration. When that inspiration is fucking legitimate. But I am no inspiration opening a door independently to anyone except perhaps a six year old little kid.