This is what I am struck by. The most gay accepting parents, gay friends, other gay family members, are still apparently often not being trusted enough to be told. As parents we want to be there for our kids, but it seems that many are still scared that the reaction may be more stress than support. Despite how much that may shock us. And it is frustrating to not be able to be that source of support without being intrusive or risking upsetting a straight kid if we were wrong in our assessment.
Of the parents here whose kids have come out (so not those who were out from that Kindergarten crush on), how many were told early and possibly even looked to for some emotional support as their kids figured out how to integrate being openly gay into their identity? How many were told last?
I get the feeling most don’t need to come out because they were never hidden to begin with.
The problem you see now is any kind of non-stereotypical gender behaviour in early childhood is seen as a sign as being gay, your five year old daughter wants to wear boy clothes? LESBIAN! Which of course isn’t true.
I came out for the most part in college 1993. Friends were all great, but Mom was rough. Brother was great and he even has a gay best friend, though oddly he’s a bit racist and misogynist.
I do wonder if more teens are coming out in junior high / high school now. I wasn’t even really aware of what sexuality meant until junior high. I imagine kids have a better understanding now a days.
I came out to my sister when I was about 14 or 15 I think. Also came out to some close friends around the same time. Came out to my dad when I was 16 or 17, and then he told my mom. My mom pretty much already knew though. She suspected it, and told me that it was ok if I liked boys. I evaded the question, didn’t lie to her, and that was a tacit implication that she was right.
Mom: “Drew, do you like boys?”
Me: “I like… the pug!”
Mom: “ha, well ok. If you do, you can talk to me about it, ok?”
Me: “Ok mom thanks”
Dad was clueless though. Coming out to him was a massive trainwreck. I told him I had something important to tell him, that it might make him dislike me, etc etc. I tried to get him to guess it, but he just couldn’t. Eventually after like an hour or more of back and forth nervousness, I just shouted out “I’m gay I’m gay I’m gay I’m gay I’m gay…” and he was like “ok! Ok!” It was so embarassing. He was devastated, took him years to fully accept it. He’s supportive now though, which is more than I ever thought he would be. I’m out to a lot of my family, but not to my grandparents on my mom’s side (at her own request she doesn’t want me to tell them, so I don’t). They ask about my romantic life everytime I visit them, and every time I give them the old “I don’t want to talk about my romantic life” reply. If they ever just flat out asked me if I were gay then I’d tell them yes, but so far they haven’t asked. I don’t think grandma would care much, but grandpa is a super hardcore paleoconservative, so he might just never want to see me again.
So there you go! That’s my story anyway. A lot of my gay friends came out to family at a similar age. Mid to late teens seems normal these days.
Maggie, if you are interested, pick up the movie ‘Before Stonewall’. It gives a good idea of what gay men went through and what it was like to be gay at the time. It is available on Netflix, both streaming and DVD. There is a 1995 dramatization there also (Stonewall), but I don’t know anything about it.
I am 73, but never came out until after I turned 60 or so. The last ones I told was my family, after both parents died, although they had to know something was up. I never married or dated.
I am amazed now when I see boys coming out in high school, or even, sometimes, before. I think that it is great that it can happen.
Me too. For some reason that seems to be a common age for the first awakenings of same-sex feelings. I had a very powerful fantasy at the age of 5, and it contained specific aspects of my sexuality that still hold true today, over 6 decades later.
I’m sorry, did I miss something? Is there some sort of correlation to joining the boards and coming out as gay? Because I’d there is an implication here, I don’t see it.
In my experience, it’s still incredibly rare for boys to come out in High School. It’s more common with girls, but then they are less likely to be taken seriously (perhaps with some logic, as girls do seem to have a gay phase at times, and I think that’s a lot more uncommon with boys.)
This. At most, I thought it might be possible that finding a bunch of people here who are accepting of alternative sexualities might have made him (?) more comfortable about coming out.
Yes, I just sort of always knew, as did the rest of our family. I remember a play date when he was about four, the other mom made that common joke about Oh maybe he and my daughter will get married one day! And I said well, I think he’s gay so probably not.
It’s something that has just always been true about him, like the color of his hair or the fact that he’s tall and good at math. No big deal, nothing to hide or reveal.