panache45, have you ever done an “Ask the gay man who came out before Stonewall” thread? Because I’d love to have your perspective on life back then, and how it’s changed…
It goes without saying - so I’ll say it anyway - relationships and communications with parents can be…complicated. I’ve seen it from both sides with my sister and her kids. She thinks everyone is happy happy and can share anything no problem! The kids don’t quite see it that way at all.
IMHO this is a trap of perspective from someone who is in a position of some authority (sister). I see this also with people I work with who are bosses, they think their people love them - their people, not so much.
…at the same time you joined the Dope? 
Of course it did!
For one, there was the implication that I’d think she wouldn’t be OK with it and that’s why I haven’t told her yet.
And for two, I didn’t like her implication that because I wasn’t dating anyone, I had to be gay. Why?
I didn’t get that impression at all. Why don’t you lay off.
Oh my bad, it’s totally appropriate for him to be keeping tabs on the love lives of his fifteen year old acquaintances and policing their sexual identities.
But I don’t want to hijack this thread so I’m done here.
Thank fucking God.
Hmm, my son was never in, so there was no coming out. He was just always gay, no questions or confusion or whatever. We live in a pretty liberal town though, so although he has dealt with his share of jerks it’s been mostly a nonissue.
I wish that were true for everyone.
Well as to the one, that does seem to be a concern that gay individuals have, even when their parents think they have created an environment which broadcasts both acceptance of gays and of unconditional love and acceptance of their child. Hence the parents being told last.
And as to the two … whether or not you really are, to your parents minds eye: an attractive young adult male (such a catch!) not romantically involved with any females for a prolonged period time who has a best friend who has announced he’s gay. Really, “he’s gay” is not an unreasonable thought. Should the thought only cross a parent’s mind for someone with stereotypic mannerisms or interests or after they have found gay porn sites in the browser history on their home computer?
Maybe that’s a related question … what would be enough for a parent to think that their child might be gay, and short of asking directly, how could they better send the acceptance message and telegraph to their child that they would be okay with him or her being open with them? … Especially during the teen years where it might be more difficult for them to otherwise find the support they may need to deal with the identity issues in a world that is still not completely accepting. Waiting years and then saying “Well sure we knew that years ago.” seems less than ideal.
Yep. I’ve seen this with 5/8 of the girls in our community. 2 of the others have never mentioned their preference outright, but mention boys as partners or potentials, and 1 is a transman, whose Facebook gender reads “male” but was born with a vulva. All are now aged in the 18-22 range.
And I know this stuff because a) my female friends and their daughters and I have always talked about this stuff pretty openly and b) I’m Facebook Friends with all of them, and see what they put out to the public there. In other words, I know because they told me.
I’m not certain this will work, as my son says he’s straight and my daughter has not yet voiced a preference, but it seems to have worked with my friends’ daughters, as mentioned above.: I never assume. When a kid asks me a question or I make a comment where it would make sense to say just “boyfriend” or just “girlfriend”, I say “boyfriend or girlfriend” instead of choosing one. “Someday, your boyfriend or girlfriend will be over for dinner, and I’m going to tell them how messy you keep your room!” All the time, even when they’re very young.
Also, I don’t flinch away from questions. “What’s gay mean?” “A person who is gay is a man who loves another man or a woman who loves another woman like I love your stepdad.” Just the facts, ma’am, keep it nonjudgemental and age appropriate.
I have friends who are bi and gay, and their partners are just as welcome in my home as my straight friends’ partners. It would very much surprise and, yes, hurt me a bit, if my kids grew up thinking I’d love them any less for being gay.
I’ve thought of it.
I shudder to think of what was “routine” back then . . . like the violent police raids on gay bars: men and women were beaten and sexually molested, and everyone’s name and address and place of employment got into the morning paper. People lost their families, friends, jobs, housing, and often their lives.
Or parents sending their kids into therapy to be fixed . . . as the most liberal, enlightened thing to do. There was no such thing as accepting that your kid’s gay.
not really… or if it is… then it’s totally unrelated.
So how did that work? You (he) knew he was gay at age 11? 8?
He should have gone with it. Late bloomers are way more of an outgroup than gays.
My son came out to me when he was 15; on Christmas morning.
It upset me only because I was basically the last person he told – because his maternal grandmother (who he lived with at the time) told him I wouldn’t understand. Then again, his maternal grandmother is a moron, so there you go.
Eff that. Write a book.
I had a similar talk with my parents and it didn’t bother me in the least. If people are starting to suspect something about me: out with it, I want to know.
So clearly it is a YMMV situation.
According to legend, when the moon is full.
I knew when I was 5, but didn’t have a word for it. My first crush was on a boy in Kindergarten. I never really came out either, because I was never in. I was in my teens when my parents finally admitted it to themselves though.
Bryan Batt is a Broadway musicals actor who was living in a one bedroom apartment with a fellow male actor and hadn’t had a girlfriend in over ten years. He came out to his older brother, who replied:
You’re gay? Thank God! I thought you just weren’t getting any!