I’ve read a lot of coming-out stories, and many of them have the same theme: the parent or grandparent to whom the person came out already knew and was just waiting for the LGBTQ individual to tell them.
If you’re a parent on an LGBTQ individual, did you know before they came out? Did you know even before your child did?
I doubt very much that I knew before they did. I certainly knew before they told me.
Sibling of gay brothers. I did not know. But once I figured it out, I forced the issue with the older brother (high school age) until he told me the truth. I promised not to tell the parents but Mom walked in on him. We never officially told Dad so he could pretend not to know. This was important in Dad’s world view and we knew it. But he knew.
Younger brother is a bit of a different story. He tests on the (former) Asberger’s scale so not terribly verbal, but I had a couple of hints when he was quite young. I wasn’t sure if he was bi and afraid to speak to girls, so just stuck with guys or if he was actually gay. I still think he’d should to try a female relationship but due to his lack of social skills he’s a bit of a bachelor farmer and lives alone. He has male friends; all of them are straight. He seems okay with life. I’m not going to bug him, though I am a straighter arrow. I, too, am without a partner at the moment and am not feeling pressure to be with someone. Meh.
It was a surprise, but not a shock.
Counterpoint: my parents were convinced I was gay when I was a teenager (according to my sisters). I’m not.
B52 Fred Schneider tells a great story of getting up the nerve to tell his mum as a teen- he nervously walks up to her while she’s vacuuming and says “mom I’m gay” and she responds “oh Freddie I know that” and immediately resumes vacuuming. So for kids like Fred, the parents know. For kids less 'out", they don’t.
My niece (33 yo) is gay and her parents didn’t have a clue. No one in the family did. Now she dresses kind of masculine, but as a teenager, she didn’t. She was always just kind of an odd little kid. She would get on kicks where she would get obsessed with something. Like for a while, she LOVED Jim Carrey as Lloyd Christmas in Dumb & Dumber. She would even blacken in part of her front tooth to look like him! She did the same thing with David Letterman and his gapped tooth smile. Then she became obsessed with the Lion King. She fashioned a pole like the one the baboons (I think) had. She brought that everywhere she went. She was obsessed with fire hydrants and fire extinguishers when she was really little. She’d have to touch everyone she saw.
She didn’t have many friends and sat alone in the lunchroom through most of high school. Then she started sitting with the gay kids and found they accepted her. So when she first came out, my sister thought it was just because she found her tribe and that she wasn’t really gay. I think she thought it was another one of her phases. But that was over 15 years ago. She’s still gay. And she’s happy! She’s a great “kid”. Very smart and kind. She graduated from college, has a good job and is in a relationship.
Her mom, dad and the rest of our family are very supportive and it isn’t an issue at all.
My brother came out as trans/bi early last year, but I’d know that about him for about 20 years from various things. He was surprised that I didn’t give a crap, and them more surprised that I already knew all that time.
Two of my coworkers were father and son; one day that the father was really down due to being super-worried about the possibility that his only child would end up alone, the guy with the biggest mouth in the factory outed the son. Well, started it: after the initial “duuuuuude, don’t!”, several of us helped spell it out. Once the father understood it, he was: ok with it; happy that his son did, in fact, have a partner (who happens to be a helluva nice guy, and they look so cute together); and worried that if his wife ever found out she would definitely not react well.
Another coworker asked him “you don’t have a problem with this?” “I did my military service in the Legion [think Marines, but shorter, with bigger guts and the most famous corporal in the Spanish army, a male goat]. The most important thing I learned is that how much of a man someone is has nothing to do with either how much they yell or what they like in bed.”
Not to derail the thread but it seems to be an assumption of some that if a teenage guy doesn’t have a girlfriend or is afraid to ask girls out that he must therefore be gay. Much more likely, it’s just relationship shyness or maybe just not feeling it yet. Mis-accusing him of being gay is likely to antagonize and worsen his situation further.
I knew pretty early on but my daughter wasn’t very covert about it to begin with. Everybody on my wife’s side of the family was remarkably accepting and I’ll always be enormously appreciative of that. I couldn’t say the same thing for my own side.
there’s just so much to unpack here
When my son was 15 he told us he was transgender.
I gotta tell ya’ it came right out of the blue for me. I had no idea: no clue.
I saw nothing in her upbringing to suggest this was even a remote possibility. It hit me like a ton of bricks.
Now, I was, am, and always have been 100% supportive. To me there are no other options as a parent. I must admit though that it still is somewhat difficult to completely wrap my head around it, but support and unconditional love is what I provide. Fortunately my ex and all friends and family are in total agreement.
This is a really awful thought. Thinking your child might be gay isn’t accusing them of anything, any more than presuming they are straight is an accusation. The whole presumption behind this question is that it’s bad to be gay. I hope that’s not what you meant, but that’s how it comes across to me.
I don’t know whether anybody knew before I did, but it would have really helped A LOT if even one person had indicated that it was actually okay if that was the case. Nobody did. When I did come out, I heard the “surprised but not shocked” line a lot, from many different people, and it wasn’t particularly helpful, either.
But I was using personal experience. I’m straight. I didn’t get a girlfriend until relatively late in life, and before I did, I was taunted, “If you don’t get a girlfriend soon, I’m going to tell people you’re gay!” Which, believe it or not, did not, in fact, help me in the relationship process.
So in the context that it was used, yes indeed, it was an accusation of gayness, and the implication was indeed that being gay is bad.
I was reasonably sure my daughter was bisexual prior to her actually telling me. There were A LOT of pointed questions when she was little “Mom, what if I was different?” etc
I always told her the same thing “You are my baby and I love you. Nothing you are or that you can do will ever change that. Period.”
I’m terrible with high drama situations. We do what we have to do, but I detest drama. It’s hard to imagine what it’s like to be blindsided like that. It’s one thing if you see signs. It’s entirely something else when there are no indications.
On top of trying to adjust, it becomes your problem - socially, financially, medically.
There is something I was wondering about - did you go through a mourning period for the loss of your son?
I was thinking about if I had had to deal with such a situation. I think it would be like losing a child in a way, and I might be a bit resentful about my child being ripped away from me. Of course you have to give support. That’s understandable, but your children are not interchangeable. If you lose one, even though you’re trading a son for an unexpected daughter, there has to be a sense of loss and grief.
Or, is it slightly different from that?
If you grieve, does it have to be private? If you grieve, do you have to hide it from your daughter?
I have a lesbian daughter and it wasn’t a big surprise based on her temperament and personality, but am thankful I didn’t have to negotiate this minefield.
Poysyn, I don’t know if your daughter has ever said, or if she even knows, but that is an amazing act of love that probably saved her so much heartache and grief. I don’t care what you do with the rest of your life, you are a good person and a great parent.
That’s a great question. Yes. Yes I did go through that period, because what I once believed to be true was thrown into bewilderment and confusion.
Mourning, as a word, might be a bit strong, but it’s not far off the mark.
