Lately it seems, a lot of Dopers have been going through some rough times. Generally in someone’s “shit that has happened to me” posts, there are a lot of {{{{{poster}}}}}, “you’ll be in my prayers,” “I’ll be thinking about you,” and that sort of support.
Now, for a very long time, I’ve read these threads and just not posted because, well, I didn’t care. That’s not exactly it. I did care, it’s just that it was like reading an article in the newspaper. Headline: Bad things happen to people far away!
Lately, though, I’ve noticed, that something about the SDMB has changed for me, and I do care. I find myself wanting to post my support and thoughts for Dopers in distress, and I actually do have them in my thoughts when I’m not actually reading the SD.
Sometime in the last few months this place has transformed from something impersonal into a family of sorts for me, and I thought I’d share.
Group hug? I thought the term was group grope!! :o
Yeah, this is a great extended-family sorta place. I’ve had in-person meetings and phone calls and packages and e-mails - things like that don’t happen in an impersonal void. Now, if only some kind souls would send me some chocolate…
I agree with you exactly, Eonwe. I’ve hardly met anyone, but if someone I know on here posts a thread about something that’s happened to them offline, I’ll post to it (assuming I see it - I sometimes miss threads).
It’s a community that feeds itself. You know how you should always do good; do unto others as you would hae others do unto you? I completely believe that, and I believe it applies here. For one thing, it makes me feel better - yeah, that’s a little selfish. For another thing, I look at it from the reverse angle. What if something happened to me and I posted a thread about it - and no one replied? That would crush me.
So if someone I know does that, I’ll post to it and wish I could do more.
This is as good a place as any to post my position on this, which is one I’d like known but haven’t had any excuse to share:
I care, too. I feel like I know some of the people here, and I feel for anyone who’s going through a rough patch, and I’m inevitably sorry to hear that someone’s loved one has died.
BUT . . . I rarely post to those threads. There are a couple of reasons. First, there have been times – rare, thankfully, but more than one – when the tragedy posted is just some bullshit story made up to get attention. It’s hard for me to offer sincere condolences to a poster I don’t know well, because there’s no nice way to say “I’m truly sorry . . . [sub]if in fact someone really died.[/sub]” Second, I once had a poster get ticked at me because after posting to commiserate with someone else, I failed to post to sympathize with him on his loss, which he took as some intentional slight when in fact I hadn’t even seen the thread. This made me think that my choice was to make a point to monitor and post in every such thread – and who has time for that? – or just make a policy not to participate in them. I mean, I offend enough people with the things I do say without having to worry that someone will be offended by something I don’t. Third, I don’t really know what value my “I’m sorry” will be to someone who doesn’t know me, when I don’t know them or the person they lost. How can it be anything more than the rote condolences of a stranger? Maybe that’s comforting itself in it’s own way, I don’t know. I guess I don’t think it would be, particularly, but then I’ve never been in that situation. (Note that I am not criticizing those who take comfort in such threads, or who see the value in them.)
I do send e-mails to people whom I feel I do know at least a bit, and to whom I can offer sincere condolences. (Assuming they post their e-mail address.) But I’m very conflicted about the value or participating in most such threads but after much thought and, for the reasons given, I’ve decided against it for myself personally. I’m not making that decision for someone else.
But for those of you who do start such threads, I hope you know that there are probably a lot of people like me who sympathize with you and offer a quick prayer for you, even if (for whatever reason) we don’t post to say so.
I would reckon that out of ever 10 people who post to such threads, there are probably 100 or more who feel the same way but don’t want to post to the thread, for at least some of the reasons you’ve mentioned. Why invite trouble? You might make the one person feel good, but at the expense of another person not feeling good (because they feel slighted)? So perhaps the answer is to either post to them all or post to none.
I also suspect that there are plenty of people whose main social contact is this board, and if someone on here is hurting, they hurt too. I don’t mean that to sound like those who offline interact frequently with others aren’t as sympathetic, of course; perhaps it’s just that people who have families, significant others, etc. might feel, “Well, I feel really bad for Poster X, but there are a lot of people already lending support, and I have some problems of my own offline that I need to tend to, so I won’t post. It’ll only get lost in the shuffle, anyway.”
Heck, things get lost in the shuffle, no matter what. Look at FCM’s recent thread. There were over 90 posts to it! I think if FCM had the wherewithal to respond to every single one of those posts, she’d be quite the superwoman, even more than she is now. But there will be people who will post to threads and then feel left out and put out because no one responded. This is bad enough, they feel, when it happens in GQ-like threads, but it’s particularly painful when the post happens to be a show of support for someone.
Funny, though. I typed out part of an OP to this about an hour ago but didn’t submit it - because I couldn’t put it into words.
I find these type of posts hard, not because of the threat of weird responses (although if I got one, like you did Jodi it would really put me off), but more because:
I don’t feel worthy - I don’t; it’s that simple. Some of the people posting are long time Dopers with long-standing relationships with other Dopers - who am I to contribute. Nonetheless, I do any way, but feel a little outside of it at times
I don’t feel I can add anything - some of the posts along these lines are so sad, and some of the responses so eloquent, I feel like I would just muck it up by trying to say anything
I get “compassion fatigue” - sometimes I purposely pass over a thread of this type because, quite simply, my day is not going well
Having said all that, I posted a message looking for support when my job situation was looking particularly lousy and people came through. Because of that, I have put my SDMB Self Esteem issues aside and try to check in more regularly.
When I first began lurking here last year, I noticed there were threads occasionally in which people were posting personal situations of the sad nature. It evoked feelings to read them, but because I didn’t know these people, I felt what difference would my support make? It took a while but eventually the kinship began to develop. That community spirit if you will, and the caring about these people began to show. I slowly began to respond to some of these. It is true I do not respond to all of them, but the ones I do it is because the situation is either something I’ve been through myself and can commiserate, or I truly feel sorry for the person involved. However, in no way does this mean I don’t care about those posts I haven’t responded to. The thread may have been missed, or as of late there have been a few that are too close to home.
I do think about various posters even when not surfing the boards, and have even dropped people a quick note just to say hi and make sure they are doing okay. If no response if forthcoming, fine. At least they know someone out there in the big wide world is thinking of them.
Personally, I have started one thread asking for good vibes and good thoughts as my mom underwent a quadruple bypass today. After everything that has happened in our lives in the last 2 months, I needed to vent and this was how I chose to do it.
Also, in the last month my hubby Kal has done two threads about our losses and misery. He did so as a cathartic exercise, not to beg sympathy from anyone. In fact, he was completely surprised at the response we received. From the last thread he wrote, every single person with an email address in their profile received an individual reply from him - to say thank you and offer some a quick update of our situation.
So is this some strange phenomenonal occurance that people who may never have met to be offering support and prayers? Nah, it just goes to show there are some very caring and wonderful people around here.
I’ve come here for support a few times. Not sympathy, but just support. I’ve also gotten emails asking me how I’m doing, particularly after my best friend left Montreal forever (he’s in Australia for a year, then wants to settle in Toronto).
I’ve also gotten some wonderful support in chat.
I’ve spoken long-distance on the phone with other Dopers.
Since we don’t have E! here in Canada (unless you have satellite), Hastur was kind enough to tape The Anna Nicole Show for me I know, I know :o and sent it to me.
FCM, email me your addy and I’ll happily send you a relief package of TimTams and Caramello Koalas. You might have to wait awhile for them to arrive, but it’ll be worth it… trust me, TimTams are gooood
Well, as something of a newbie whom noone knows (except the G’Dopers), I still post quite often in “sympathy threads”. I figure that it only takes a minute or two of my time, and I also know from my own experience in hard times that any expressions of sympathy and support, even from someone you don’t know, genuinely help.
Also, I guess because noone knows me, I don’t have Jodi’s problem - noone is going to be offended (or, let’s face it, even notice ) if I don’t post to their thread. So IMO, it won’t hurt anyone, and if it helps, great.
When my husband lost his job three weeks after I had a baby, I started a thread mostly to let out some of the over-whelming fear I was experiencing. I didn’t notice the people who didn’t post, but am greatful to those who did.
Awww, garsh, gee, golly, I dunno, you don’t hafta… <scuffing toe in dirt>
Who am I kidding - e-mail on the way! Dang, this is better than standing by the freeway with a “Will Work for Chocolate” sign!
And to get just a bit serious here, while I don’t post in all sympathy threads, certain ones are quite compelling and I offer what words I can. I hate to toss a “Me too” out, so I try to speak from the heart. And as the recipient of many kind words and good wishes lately, I have to say that it really does mean a lot for someone to take the time to offer a comment or a prayer. It would never occur to me to keep a tally of who responded and who didn’t - just knowing that so many people care is priceless.
I don’t usually post to these threads unless I know the person well enough to extend genuine sympathy.
However, as I’ve posted some “good news” threads, the responses are priceless. I printed out the threads announcing my pregnancy, Aaron’s birth, and beyond so he can see that Mommy and Daddy are/were part of something very special to them.
And, FCM, if you want to send your address, I’ll send you samples of Hershey’s Finest. (It’s a hop, skip and a jump from me, and it gives me an excuse to see Zappo.)
Hm… perhaps a “send FCM chocolates party is in the works.” I’d happily send you some of VT’s finest, if you want to send me your address. There’s a great chocolitier (is that the right word?) in the town I grew up in that makes some very tasty stuff.
Wellll, my mama always warned me about taking candy from strangers, but she was wrong about so many other things…
Dang, if I’d’a knowed it was this easy to feed my habit, I’d’a started a FCM Chocolate Party thread eons ago!! Far be it from me to decline such generosity.
I realize you were responding to Jodi, but I thought I’d jump in for a second. I usually don’t post to those types of threads either, though a lot of the time I sympathize. The occasions where I have responded are when it seems the poster hasn’t received a lot of responses and I recognize the OP as someone who is not likely to post for less than honest reasons.
An example would be Jodi’s car thread in the Pit right now. I’ve read a lot of her posts and feel I know her a little better than some of the members who don’t post as often (like me), and was surprised she hadn’t received many responses. Those are usually the times I will jump in and give a “hang in there” type post, as opposed to adding something on the 3rd page repeating what has been covered several times. Since I don’t post that often, I probably have the luxury of not making another Doper feel overlooked.
