I imagine this will be an unpopular sentiment (and perhaps seen by some as a personal affront).
There is a definite ebb and flow to it, but it seems to reach a peak every few months: the sharing of every personal tragedy.
I want to be clear: with a few exceptions I like everybody I’ve met on these boards. But, (again with a few exceptions) I am not your friend or your confidante. At best, you are someone I would wave to if we were sitting in the same cafe; and to most of you I am likely less than that.
It makes me uncomfortable when someone posts saying “my great-aunt Mathilda had a heart attack, please pray for her.”
Why does it make me uncomfortable? Because I don’t care. Your entire family could be wiped in a freak houseboat accident and I wouldn’t care beyond “Gee, life sure can suck. Do I want macaroni or mashed potatoes with dinner?” It is one thing to see these tragedies on TV but here on SDMB someone is asking me personally (in a diluted way) to commiserate with them.
To me this is somewhere between Oprah and Queen for a Day.
So now, the polling question (this is why I put this in IMHO):
Ha ha, couldn’t resist even if it was only funny to me. Hmmmm, you have a point, but I must disagree. A lot of times when I post these sort of things, I want sympathy and advice, such as when I found out TinyTot was the terror of St. Markus Kindergarten.
I can sort of see how somebody might find this a “safe” place to let out their emotions, even if they know 95% of the people reading it won’t care. For example, when I had my miscarriage some months back, there was a period of 3 days when we didn’t know if the baby was dead or not. Knowing that there were people here who supported me, really helped a lot, as did the knowledge that I could say whatever I wanted and not hurt or disturb members of my family. I know not everybody would take comfort in this sort of airing out of feelings, but I sure did.
But I can certainly see Obby’s point, and I, for one, try not to overwhelm the board with the suckiness of my life.
zenith: I do skip them as much as possible, but the subject isn’t always clear. When someone responds to a prayer/hopeful thoughts request with “you got mine” or some such I always wonder if they truly do care (and I’m broken) or if they are just better at social niceties than I am.
tatertot: I am not cute. I am mean and scary and growl at small children (even if they usually just laugh at me).
obfusciatrist, your right that people should lable their post so one has a clue as to the content. I’ve clicked on some that turned out to be so not something I wanted to read. That is a real waste of time.
I think it’s a mixture of people who truly care, people who don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings by not caring, and people who jump on the caring bandwagon (if that makes sense). For me, if I don’t care, I don’t post but if I don’t care but think I can help in some way, then I’ll go ahead and give my advice. Some days I’m more caring than others, but I don’t feel any obligation to care. You are certainly not a bad person for not caring about some stranger, and the fact that you’ve got the love of the wonderful Baglady speaks volumes about the kind of man you are.
{{{{{Obby}}}}}}
Sorry, couldn’t help myself. And you are cute! Heheh, I can turn anything into a MPSIMS post if I really put my mind to it.
Oh, and people should clearly label their posts, even though I don’t always follow this advice.
Careful with those hugs, tatertot. I may have to kick the dog to restore balance to my universe.
I’ll be more specific. I don’t mind requests for advice. In fact I have participated in some (though I steered clear of tubagirl’s famous request for advice).
I agree to a certain degree. I skip the threads most of the time where people do the hug thing. It’s not that I don’t care, but it seems to be the same people all the time.
What happens most of the time is that the people know more posters here and have more friends here than they do IRL. Naturally they turn to those people. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. Everyone needs friends. I have found very few people on the board that I don’t care for, but I would rather share my personal hurts and disappointments IRL.
If it helps someone, I will occasionally share a personal story. As long as it doesn’t cause any harm, I think it’s ok for people to share if they want. After all we can just skip the thread if we don’t want to respond.
I agree and don’t agree. I like to think when I have something going on in my life, I can get some support and advice from people I spend 9 hours a day with. (at work, of course) It is nice to be able to pose personal questions and problems to people that have an objective opinion. It is also nice to have support from these same people when something tragic happens in your life.
Although… When there is a sad story, I feel bad for the person, but I don’t jump in for the {{{{hugging}}}}. Sometimes I’ll give someone a little boost, or similar expreience. But as a whole I don’t find it nessesary to jump in with another “I’m sorry.”
One thing you can definitly do though is steer clear, if you want, from those personal threads. Which is why they have the thread titles. I know when I see something about someone dying. If I have no relation to that person, or have a word of condolence, I don’t read the thread.
It is great to have a board like this, with different forums. You can pose questions, flame, or ask for sympathy and advice. I think that is why I feel able to share things going on in my life.
No, just kidding. Actually, I would say (d). Although I am new to the SDMB, I am not new to message boards in general, and I also tend to view personalized “somebody hug me”-type threads with a bit of a jaded eye. However, I think the alternative is worse. If you will indulge me, let me share a personal experience of my own. The last message board I was on became highly politicized and mean-spirited; there seemed to be a disproportionate number of fundamentalists who were simply not interested in discussing anything, and used the board as a personal soapbox. There were four or five threads devoted to the “gay lifestyle” that devolved into a bunch of rants about f@gs and qu**rs being pedophiles and going to hell and whatnot. Anyone who tried to be remotely reasonable got the standard “you must love homos, read your bible, you’re going to hell just like them” response, which I found tiresome more than anything else.
So it’s nice to have found a board where people are actually reasonably polite to each other, even if they disagree, and the mean-spirited rants have their own habitat in the pit. I like the fact that the SDMB is considered a community, where people can develop relationships, commiserate, and enjoy a rational and often spirited exchange of viewpoints. I’ve read the threads that originated due to the passing of WallyM7 and found them quite emotional and moving even though I never met the man, which is a new experience for me on a message board. Obviously many of the people here care a great deal for each other, which is a good thing. I wouldn’t want it any other way, personally.
When my son was a toddler, I read “Raising Your Spirited Child.” This book had an interesting description of the basic differences between extroverts and introverts that helped me to understand my children’s very different personalities.
Extroverts don’t just enjoy the company of other people; they need it. Being with others recharges their batteries. My 5 year old is like this. She loves going to school, always comes home bouncy and full of energy. While she can play on her own, she tends to get mopey and grumpy when she has to spend a lot of time alone.
My son, on the other hand, is an introvert. Being with other people, while often pleasant, is draining. When he comes home from school he needs to go off by himself for a while to read or play quietly. Being alone is what recharges him.
I would guess that the people who make many strong connections online probably do so in real life as well. It can be hard for the more introverted types to understand. “How can you put so much energy into people you don’t even know?” What you have to realize is that, for some people, the result is a net gain, not a loss, of emotional energy.
Ever since that “incident” some time back, I am very hesitant to respond to any thread of this type. Who wants to have their emotions tugged and pulled like that? No one. On the other hand, I also found someone who is experiencing a similar issue that I have been grappling with for sometime now. Positives and negatives aside, I think that the use of the phrase “Oprahfication” is really apt; I see nothing wrong with this type of thread in that others’ insights may help folks solve an issue and move on. So my vote would go with option D. If push comes to shove, there is always the possiblity of petitioning SDMB admin to create a new category… Let’s Oprah-fize
On the other hand, Let’s definitely AVOID ANY springerization.
b) and d) for all the reasons above. Sometimes the touchy-feeliness gets carried away, sometimes it is a real community of people caring about each other.
I guess that averages out to c) but I’ve already been all over this in the Pit today, so I’m out of the closet.
I NEVER share deep dark depressing things, even with my close friends—if I can’t be all light and amusing and Gertie Lawrence, I simply vanish into my cave till things sort themselves out again. That’s just the sorta hairpin I am.
But remember—this type of “community” is brand-new; didn’t even exist 15 years ago. Are we friends? Acquaintances? Pen-pals? Is this like the coffee house on “Friends” or a commuter train we all use? The rules and etiquette are still developing.
When Wally died, I talked to some (real) friends about it: “How upset should I BE? I never met him, don’t even know his real name, yet I don’t feel like some total stranger has died.”
Actually, I treat such threads as sidebar interactions between friends with whom I am not involved. I think that’s what the majority of such threads actually are. People who have made a lot of rather close friends here at the SDMB share their woes and joys. That’s a lovely thing, really. It doesn’t interest or bother me in the least. On the other hand, there are some people who post their tales of woe as if expecting me, and all the other dopers who don’t know them, to speak up and offer sympathy. That’s a little creepy and I don’t like it. No, sir, I do not like it at all.
