When have you been just utterly incapacitated by laughter?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

I’ll come across as a fool telling this, but when I was about 19 I was traveling in Mexico and found a book that was like a “My First English Book” for school children learning English. It came with pictures and lists of very basic words you would find in different settings, like “table”, “chair”, “tree” etc.

One of the settings was the kitchen. Along with items like “spoon” and “plate” was the word “colander”. I had never in my life to that moment heard the word colander, and had to ask my friend WTF it was (I knew the object but had only ever heard it called a “strainer”). I thought it was really hilarious that I learned a new word from a book aimed at 6-year old Mexican ESL students, and couldn’t stop laughing for a good few minutes.

42

I was watching a preview for the spoof B-movie “The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra” when I started laughing. I was totally incapable of restraint for about five minutes. My lungs, ribs and jaw were in terrible pain and I couldn’t stop from laughing long after the preview ended. I didn’t see the movie for a year or two after that, and it didn’t live up to my expectations. Seeing the preview since then, it’s nowhere near as ridiculous as it was to me the first time. Here’s a link.

43

My best friend used to be the editor of a zine that reviewed other zines. I was a reviewer. We reviewed anything sent to us. One day, after going to the mail drop and picking up a shitload of stuff to review, we went to a donut shop for a cup of coffee. Happy Donuts at the (former) end of the 26-Valencia line in San Fran, by the old Mint. As we’re sitting there, he pulls out a poetry zine someone sent us. He opened it at random and read out loud, what seemed to be a serious poem:

“The world is full of pain
But you are my light
I cannot stand to live
sandwich sandwich sandwich”

At which point we both broke down in tears. I had never before actually had trouble catching my breath from laughing so hard, but I did then. Yes, it really said “Sandwich, sandwich, sandwich.”

Joe

44

I know it’s happened recently but the loss of oxygen seems to cause retrograde amnesia.

Nevertheless, one of my best memories of childhood was being reduced to helpless mirth by the “Help! Help! a Horrible Heffalump!” scene in Winnie-the-Pooh and the “trap for ho-hos” in The House at Pooh Corner, as read by my mother.

45

In about 1988, I worked in an office with a handful of people, most of which were women. For a few days we had the son of the owner of the company work in our department, as he was going through and learning all the parts of the company to get familiar with us. Eventually, everybody knew, he’d be taking over the reins when his dad cashed out of the business. Anyway, this guy was always “made up”, you never saw him without a nice suit on, a very formal guy, a very educated guy, and a pretty handsome one, too (for a guy!). Also I knew that he was dating a very attractive woman at the time, who I’d known in college.

One day all of the women in our office, for whatever reason, happened to be elsewhere in the building, and I was left alone with the owner’s son. I was at this point still a little unsure of myself around him, not wanting to screw anything up, or act like I didn’t know what I was doing. So we’re sitting there working on I don’t know what, when out of the blue, and extremely “matter-of-factly”, like he’s asking me where to get a refill of staples, he just says, “Hey… you ever been getting a blowjob and you just realize, Holy Shit, I have GOT TO FART!”.

There was just dead silence in the room, and I could feel that lightheaded, “I’m going to laugh HARD” feeling coming over me in a wave. I started to just die laughing. The thought of this formal dude having to deal with that problem, let alone knowing the girl pretty well, brought the mental image to my mind - him on the couch, her sucking him off, him squeezing his butt cheeks in a desperate attempt to stave off the inevitable. I freaking DIED laughing. Tears streaming down my face, I was unable to function. Of course a minute or two later, all the girls from the office come back in while I’m in the death throes of laughter, and I couldn’t even talk.

Years later, I know the owner’s son as a “normal guy”, and a lot of fun to be around, but that’s how he went from “owner’s son” to being one of those guys that I could hang with. The girls will always wonder what happened while they were gone to cause my 45 minutes of near-death laughing.

46

I don’t get it.

47

The other night the spouse and I were chatting quietly outside our daughter’s room; said daughter, who was sleeping, is 18 months old and has just begun the long process of potty training.

Evidently our talking disturbed her because she woke up, shouted “PEEEEEEEEEE!” and promptly went back to sleep.

Our hysteria was made all the more painful for trying to muffle it.

48

Some more from an ooooooold thread of mine.

49

The woman sucks on an Altoid while giving a blow job, and the minty freshness is supposed to create a very intense sensation for the guy.

50

I posted this one previously:

In which I almost asphyxiate from one scene in an otherwise unrewarding comedy

51

My brother, sister and I were watching the Futurama episode where Fry moves in with Bender. In one scene, they’re crammed into Bender’s tiny apartment and trying to sleep.
Bender (mumbling): Kill all humans … kill all humans …
Fry: Bender, wake up!
Bender: Oh, Fry, I was having the most wonderful dream. I think you were in it.
Fry: Where’s your bathroom?
Bender: What room?
Fry: Bathroom.
Bender: Bath what?
Fry: Bathroom!
Bender: What what?
Fry: Never mind.
Bender goes back to sleep
Bender (mumbling): Hey sexy mama. Wanna kill all humans?

The whole scene cracked us up. By the end we were lying on the floor practically crying with laughter.
Another time I went on a trip to Italy with my school. On our last night in Milan most of us were split into groups of four, but two girls were left over and got a room to themselves. After much shuffling and negotiating, it was decided that this should be me and my friend T. When it was time for bed, a guy I’ll call G walked us up to our room.
When we got to the right corridor he asked if we had a double room.
“Do we ever!” said T. Then, glancing at me, she said “Wait, do we?”
“Yes.”
“No we don’t. We’ve only got two beds.”
G and I stared at her for a few seconds before all three of us dissolved into laughter. About three minutes later we were still standing in the middle of the hall doubled over with laughing, and some people heard us from their own rooms and came out to see if we were OK.

They both sound pretty lame written out like that. It was funny at the time.

52

2 times. The first time was around Christmas 30 years ago. I heard on the news about packages being stolen from cars while folks were shopping at malls. This got me thinking of a little prank I wanted to try. I bagged a couple piles of fresh dog poop, put it in a box with a few sprays of cologne to mask the smell then wrapped it in wrapping paper and added a fancy ribbon. I put in in a Nordstrom bag.

Later that day I drove my mother to a local mall to go Christmas shopping. I dropped her off at the door then went and parked near Nordstrom’s. I placed the “gift” on the back of car then went and stood next to the door of the mall where I could see my car.

5 minutes later I saw a guy walk past my car, stop, then take a roundabout walk around a few cars then back by mine grabbing the bag. He went to his car and climbed in. I moved to a location so I could see him. From about 100 feet away I could see that he was opening the package. All of a sudden the window to his car went down and the bag, box, wrappings and dog poop went flying. He had this look on his face like he was really pissed off. He drove off in a huff almost hitting a couple cars.

I started giggling, then snickering, then broke out into full blown laughter. People were looking at me like I was an idiot. I went back to my car and spent at least 15 minutes rolling in laughter. I have thought about doing it again each Christmas but never have.

The second time was when my ex was having a baby shower for her daughter. I was in the rec room surfing the internet. A long gone website had a link to a audio file about a couple guys that had a problems while felching.

I got a serious case of the giggles then busted out laughing my ass off. I was just howling. Soon I had 10 women in watching my try to regain my composure. Of course, they wanted to know what was so funny. I played the clip for the ladies. A few giggled but none thought is was as funny as I did.

53

Is that the one with the flying landlady? Cuz if so, yeah, that’s hysterical, and gets even funnier with each viewing.

I just thought of another one: immediately after my father’s funeral (yes, really), my siblings and I were sitting in my folks’ dining room talking about what to do about mom, when I decided to inform the group that Coca Cola translated to “Bite the wax tadpole” in Mandarin (this was in a Dave Barry book I was reading at the time trying desperately to cheer myself up). All of us started laughing so hard we literally fell out of our chairs and were rolling on the floor in our funeral clothes. My mother was worried for a minute until we told her and she started laughing too.

It’s hard to beat stress and grief for providing an exaggerated laugh response.

54

For some reason, when I first saw tomndebb’s explanation of ‘Manny Peoples’, I couldn’t control myself.

55

I just had a horrible thought:

What if a woman (or dude, for that matter), with every good intention in the world, but not quite enough information - what if such a person used a cinnamon Altoid?

Best not to think on it.

56

From the old thread. This just slew me.

I don’t know if this is what Nutty Bunny intended, but on my version of the Do It Yourself TV network, the hosts just screams “DO IT YOURSELF” over and over again.

Announcer: “Today on the Do It Yourself network: Repairing Your Kitchen Floor”
Host: DOOOO!!! IITTTTT!!! YOURSELF!!!

Announcer: ‘Today’s subject is How to Give Blowjobs’
“DOOO!!! IIIITTTT!!! YOURSELFFF!!!”

Separately, my girlfriend was walking around town tonight. She found an unattended department store bag, and sent me a series of text messages along the lines of ‘I wonder what it is?’ ‘What if it’s a bomb?’ ‘What if it isn’t?’ Maybe I’m mean, but something about the idea of leaving a bomb in a fancy bag, and her indecision, were really hilarious.

57

There was a time in the late 70’s when a wannabe ninja quasi-friend of mine was demonstrating his “numchuck skills” for another dude and me. He was explaining the deadliness of the weapon while slinging them around–behind his back, under his arms, you know the drill. Then he he began to wind it up like a propeller, and, seemingly on purpose, whacked himself right across the top of the head with considerable force.

It made a very satisfying “thwock” sound, and he sank to his knees.

We were both suitably impressed by the efficacy of the weapon, but even moreso by it’s extreme slapstick utility.

58

I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone screwing around with nunchucks who didn’t whack himself in the nuts or the face.

Dr. Woo, I don’t think that’s the same movie - I know the one you mean, the one with the landlady who spends the entire movie with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth and rollers in her hair, but I can’t think of the name of it. That was awfully funny, too.

ETA: Kung Fu Hustle!

59

Indeed. One of the times I’ve succumbed to uncontrolled laughter was right after my father’s funeral. Literally right after - between the funeral and the interment. My siblings and I were all sitting in the van and staring at the back of the hearse while people streamed by to go to their cars for the trip to the cemetery. One of my cousins, a short woman who is as tall lying down as standing up, walked by with her husband, who might disappear if he stood sideways. Somebody said, “Oh, look. It’s Jack Sprat!” and everybody in the vehicle collapsed into hysterical giggles.

My mom thought it was funny too, but said, “Put your heads down so people think you’re crying!” which was probably good advice, but only made us giggle harder.

60

I have several, but I’ll dole them out one at a time lest y’all die from laughter.

The first time I remember laughing uncontrollably was, indeed, at a funeral. I was maybe 15. Grandpa had died. This was the first dead body I’d encountered.

Anyway, I was standing with my sister, looking / staring at Grandpa.

Me: “I keep waiting for his stomach to go up and down.”

Sister: “Don’t hold your breath.”

I literally had to leave and go stand in the parking lot until I was able to compose myself.