I went to a funeral today and I must say, while it was “nice” their was very little personalization in it.
When its my time to go I have a list of some things to do. Songs I want sung. Scripture passages I want read. and I’m working on writing up something to be read or maybe I’ll make up a video to be played.
Is it wrong to discuss some things like this with your elderly relatives in order that their funeral would be something they would want and appreciate?
Funerals are for the living, not the dead.
I would say to go ahead and discuss it, but not in a way that makes them thinking you’re anticipating the occasion, if you know what I mean.
You could mention the funeral you just attended, and how you hope yours is more personal. Let them know what you’d like, too, because you never know. You could go first.
My wife and I have just updated our wills, including the disposal of our mortal remains. My wife wants to be cremated. I expressed a preference for a woodland burial if convenient (I want my corpse to mark out some territory), otherwise cremation.
I’m not going to dictate the terms of my funeral, though. Funerals are for the living, and they have the right to organise it in the way that best suits their needs at the time. I would prefer something joyful - a celebration of a life lived. But those who survive me may need something different when I’m gone. I’ll let them choose.
Last year, my favorite author died, the late great Nora Ephron. She had her service done exactly how she wrote and planned it. Two things that I really liked was she stipulated that no one can talk over fifteen minutes, and champagne was to be served.
When I go, I would like my family and friends to celebrate as much as they can. I do not want a wake, I do not like them at all. I want to skip a wake, a church service, and a burial service and go right to the party! I would love them to throw a nice time, with good food and free drinks. Irish folk love to get their drink on, especially after a funeral. I do not want a collage of pictures as that is too sad.
I want good food, good drinks, and good people. Celebrate with music and laughter. And do no “instead of sending flowers give to a charity”. Hell no, I want one good picture of me, maybe with my beautiful daughters, and lovely flower arrangements all throughout the room. Then when guests are leaving, they can take some flowers with them.
As for my remains, a quick cremation and a trip to the ocean is all I want. 
One problem with putting this in your will is that your will is not necessarily known to/accessed by the people who will be making these decisions. Burial decisions are generally really quickly made (within a couple of days). Wills might not be read for weeks or months. If they don’t know where to look, they may not do what you want without meaning to defy your wishes.
That doesn’t mean people can’t have choices on how they want their funerals to be. Pre-planning is pretty common. Don’t forget – funerals can be expensive. You might want to make things easier for your relatives so they don’t go through the whole planning themselves while they’re grieving. People have the right to do decide that.
And in some cultures and religions, funerals ARE considered to be about the dead.
(The only thing I want is, a.) I want to be cremated, and b.) I’d then like to be buried in the section of the cemetary where pretty much everyone in my family is. That’s kind of a family tradition.)
If I’ve told my loved ones how I want to be celebrated (cremation, no religious rituals, etc.) and some busy-body decides to override these simple wishes for the sake of appearances, I really hope there will be someone in my family is offended enough to speak up on my behalf. Because honoring a person means respecting their wishes.
In the office of the church I attend there is a file for funeral plans. If you so wish you can put something on file. I did it because I’m the only member of my family that belongs to that particular denomination. It will be pretty much by the book, except I specified that the music played on the organ before the service starts should be loud and celebratory, as if the organist is practising for a concert.
When I turned in my plans it was the cathedral dean who happened to take and file it. He said “I wish more people did this!”
While I agree that funerals are for the living, those who survive you might find the task of making all of those choices overwhelming while they’re navigating their grief. If there is more than one person who might feel entitled to have his or her own wishes in the matter honored it can get worse.
If you don’t want to pre-plan, or select your own music I get that. Really. But maybe consider naming one person who gets to decide.
This is worth repeating. When my dad went, we had to make a lot of decisions in those first few days. We had a will, so if that had information we might have been able to use it, if we had thought of that. In any case, the will could have said anything - we were not bound to do that. Nobody ever asked what the will said until later.
If you want your funeral to go a particular way, I would suggest visiting a funeral home and having them walk you though the process. Then, document everything you want and hand that to the closet family members who will probably be called upon to make those chooses.
I used to say when I died I didn’t want a funeral, didn’t want people to be all sad, etc… etc…
Then when my son died almost a year ago I realized the funeral really is for the living, specifically the ones who are close to the deceased.
We chose not to have a wake and funeral, just to do it all on one day, with a viewing if anyone chose to come, for a couple hours before the funeral. It went very much against the customs of how things are usually done around here. Typically there is the night before the funeral for the wake/viewing, which last around 4-5 hours, then the funeral the next day.
I could have done without the get together afterwards in which a large quantity of food is served but that was sort of beyond my ability to control, as my Mother’s church did put one together since she was a member of their church.
And I know a lot of people would like their loved ones and friends to celebrate in however way they want and to be all joyous,I know I always thought that way myself, but honestly, there is no way I could have been in a celebration mood that day. It was one of the darkest days of my life. I really can’t imagine many situations in which loved ones could have a party or celebrate.
Saying it and doing it are two different things. Now I have come to realize it’s not my place to specify anything beyond where I would like to be buried, or if I want to be cremated, and a few things along those lines. Even then, it may not turn out to be what I wished, but it needs to be what my family wants.
If they to make it long or short, or skip the service or have both a wake and funeral, I just want them to do whatever makes them feel best.
It turns out that there is no party button that people can push on. Yes , good things can be said, how it’s presented can include a wide range of things, but you really can’t tell loved ones to pop the champagne and celebrate when you die because it could be the worst experience for them ever, and to imagine them being able to do that is not really logical. Maybe they will want to do it that way, if so, fine… but a funeral IS for those remaining, and you might have been so precious to them they can’t do much but grieve.
My SO and I have discussed what we want (cremation, no religion involved) but haven’t actually written it out. We both know the other will respect our wishes.
This is a great idea. I’ll pass this on to my church leadership.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: pre-planning your funeral is one of the greatest things you can give your loved ones, bar none.