I used to say when I died I didn’t want a funeral, didn’t want people to be all sad, etc… etc…
Then when my son died almost a year ago I realized the funeral really is for the living, specifically the ones who are close to the deceased.
We chose not to have a wake and funeral, just to do it all on one day, with a viewing if anyone chose to come, for a couple hours before the funeral. It went very much against the customs of how things are usually done around here. Typically there is the night before the funeral for the wake/viewing, which last around 4-5 hours, then the funeral the next day.
I could have done without the get together afterwards in which a large quantity of food is served but that was sort of beyond my ability to control, as my Mother’s church did put one together since she was a member of their church.
And I know a lot of people would like their loved ones and friends to celebrate in however way they want and to be all joyous,I know I always thought that way myself, but honestly, there is no way I could have been in a celebration mood that day. It was one of the darkest days of my life. I really can’t imagine many situations in which loved ones could have a party or celebrate.
Saying it and doing it are two different things. Now I have come to realize it’s not my place to specify anything beyond where I would like to be buried, or if I want to be cremated, and a few things along those lines. Even then, it may not turn out to be what I wished, but it needs to be what my family wants.
If they to make it long or short, or skip the service or have both a wake and funeral, I just want them to do whatever makes them feel best.
It turns out that there is no party button that people can push on. Yes , good things can be said, how it’s presented can include a wide range of things, but you really can’t tell loved ones to pop the champagne and celebrate when you die because it could be the worst experience for them ever, and to imagine them being able to do that is not really logical. Maybe they will want to do it that way, if so, fine… but a funeral IS for those remaining, and you might have been so precious to them they can’t do much but grieve.