I don’t think it’s “ignore it and it’ll go away immediately”; it’s more “if you don’t ignore it, it’ll never go away.”
Some people like to push buttons. If you stop reacting, eventually they’ll get bored. With some people, though, it takes longer than others. And you don’t have to completely ignore it, you just have to not give them the satisfaction of seeing you upset.
I would suggest that, when someone makes a comment that you don’t care for, quote it, and say simply that you don’t appreciate that sort of comment. Don’t argue, don’t get mad (well, you can get mad, but don’t post mad). Just make the comment and let it go. The vast majority of people will apologize and leave you alone. A small portion of people who want to push your buttons will probably get bored and (at least slightly) shamed by your calm dismissal.
I quote this because there is an (bizarrely, given the things I write/joke about) a substantial population on any online text-only group I’m a member of that categorizes me as female for whatever reason, regardless of which of my two typical handles I use (this one or “Meholick”).
I’ve always wondered if Jesus is really a big ol’ perv. Like, I mean, if you’re God and all, you can probably like, just lounge around watching Angelina Jolie showering all day. Would God even want to? Oh man, I see a GD threat in the making!
OMG! How DARE you, you fucking sexist, disgusting pig! Don’t you EVER mention my boobs again. Yeah, I brought them up. Yeah, I talked about them. But that’s ME and they’re mine, not yours. FUCK YOU!!! :mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:
Here’s what makes me think this is an issue of underlying sexism: I made a reference to my breasts in a thread that was about how to get wine stains out of a white shirt, and nearly everyone is calling that “the thread about your boobs.” You made it about my boobs, not me. Mentioning them is not making the thread “about” them. I agree with the analysis in Cat Fight’s link.
I’m headed off and won’t be around until tomorrow morning, FYI.
And mentioning them in the thread about your hot co-worker doesn’t make that thread about them, either.
You never answered my question–was I being sexist when I told my sister to pack the panties her husband likes for her cruise? How is this any different?
Hear, hear! After you’ve bragged about your tiny part and your amazing parts, you’re not wearing an internet burqa anymore. We’re going to treat you like a living person of the female persuasion, who can be in some ways amazing.
By the way, I hope you got the stain out of your shirt, and I hope you figure out what to do with, or not do with, the new guy.
I was thinking about this part of your post some more, and I think part of it at least is that many of the women I know personally who are active in online communities fit the following criteria:
[ul]
[li]Under 35[/li][li]Have more traditionally “masculine” interests and emotional responses[/li][li]Have a vested personal interest in being “one of the guys”[/li][/ul]
Setting aside the rightness of the latter two characterizations, what that typically means for someone in my shoes is that my default assumption is that a female I meet online wants to be treated like I’d treat a guy friend–more bawdy or lewd humor, less self-censoring on my part, and generally a more relaxed manner. Couple this with the culture that a lot of people who are 30 or less have about the various -isms – every racist or homophobic joke I’ve heard in literally the last decade has come from a member of the class being insulted – and you have all the makings of a serious cultural gap with anyone who’s got any actual class or decorum.
No, based on what I’m reading, YOU made it about your boobs. Your titty reference had absolutely no relevence to the question at hand, but you just threw it in there. It’d be like if a guy posted a thread about how to get a stain out of his pants, and said the following:
I’m fairly certain we’d all be posting, “Wait. What about your cock?”
If it’s socially ok for women to tee hee hee all about their tits, then we better be prepared for the confusion and comments when we do it.
When is sexism okay? Never. I just don’t think we’ll ever all agree on exactly what sexism is.
Try to look at it a different way. There was a time when your original comment would have been scandalous. I mean, nice girls just didn’t talk about their bodies that way[sup]*[/sup]. Now suppose some dowager from that time dropped in to your original thread to offer some helpful cleaning advice, and was shocked (shocked!) by such frank talk about your… well, you know. If she had castigated you for bringing such an inappropriate topic into a simple cleaning thread, what would your reaction have been?
The line defining sexism is not easy to pin down; it moves, blurs, and wobbles. It’s different in different places. (Would you have taken your shirt to a dry cleaner and made the same comment?) It’s different for different people. And a community like this only works if we all put a little effort into overlooking each others’ transgressions.
It was before even my time, and maybe that world never really existed outside of Merchant-Ivory films. If my comparison seems unrealistic, just lie back and think of England.
Again, just as I didn’t see the recurring problem, I’m not seeing the “everyone.” The fact is that you didn’t need to mention your breasts in a thread asking how to get wine stains out of a white shirt – you could have just asked that. Even if you wanted to say “It’s my favorite shirt because I think I look really good in it,” you could have just said that. YOU are the one who made reference to your amazing-looking breasts, in a thread where your breasts, amazing or otherwise, were extraneous. And then oh noes!! People tease you a bit about teh boobies! Even then, you could have said, calmly, “look, cut it out, I don’t like it and I don’t think it’s funny.” But no – next thing we know (or, at least, I know), you’re complaining about “sexism” and claiming that “nearly everyone is calling [it] ‘the thread about your boobs’.”
I think you’re creating a problem in your head where one doesn’t exist.
Regarding the first thread, if you bring up boobs, expecting people not to pick up on that mention and bring it up is a little silly. A reply can be good natured and well intentioned, because lots of women don’t mind or even encourage others to talk about their breasts. If you don’t, then no fault say sorry, you’re not comfortable going in that direction. If it persists after that (with some minor leeway given to just socially clueless guys a chance to do right), then it’s a problem.
Second thread, yeah, mentioning boobs from another thread is creepy. And you were trying politely to get him off of that. Then he persisted. He might just be extremely clueless, but it was sexist at that point. But I think you handled it well there, saying you thought it was creepy. Moderators were right to step in. Problem should have been solved at that point.
As far as this thread goes, WTF. Is there never a Pit thread where people attack the original poster? If we’re willing to forgive clueless sexist people who meant no harm we should be equally understanding to people who maybe don’t handle perceived sexism and actual sexism as well as the perfect standard some here seem to demand.
Meanwhile, dba Fred has gone from creepy and possibly merely clueless to just a total asshole for not apologizing for the offense. Unless you intended to offend, being such a jerk about it makes no sense. Any claims to being a reasonable person goes out the window at that point.
As far as the total fuckheads saying “get used to it or get the fuck out” or the like – how about you wastes of sperm get the hell off a board that’s supposed to be combating ignorance instead of indignantly wallowing in it? And I notice it’s largely the same idiots who cause problems in other threads with their desire to spread their incompetence around. It’s almost like they are, gosh, purposefully trying to be obnoxious on every thread they can or something? Isn’t there a name for that? Several names, really…
Continuing unwanted sexual attention is harassment. There are plenty enough threads (or other boards for that matter) where that kind of attention is accepted and even wanted, so there’s no need to derail other threads with it.
You ever see someone get into an elevator, and press the button for their floor, even thought the button’s already lit? People just like to press buttons. It’s part of human nature. It’s even better when pressing a button gets a big reaction, like what happens when someone mentions your boobs. So a lot of people are going to be doing that. Not because they’re sexist, but because you’re easily manipulated.
