When one person's nice doesn't match another's nice...

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’d like to be able to say the title says it all, but it is a tad obscure. So I shall expand.

Person 1 decides to throw an “occasion” party for person 2. Person 2 really doesn’t want a party for this “occasion.” (Birthday, promotion, graduation, whatever occasion you care to imagine.) However, person 2 knows how important it is to person 1 that the “occasion” be celebrated, and doesn’t want to hurt the host’s feelings.

It’s certainly nice of person 1 to want to honor person 2. Person 2, on the other hand, really doesn’t like having a fuss made and would rather get a phone call or card to commemorate the event.

As an invitee and someone equally close to both, who knows the above dynamic, do you say anything to person 1? Or person 2? Does it matter if one or both are related to you or to each other? Or do you simply play the part of gracious guest? Or does it depend upon the occasion? (for example, person 2 hates birthday parties)

As you may have guessed, I was an invitee in this situation. As it happened, the whole thing fell apart due to health issues of some other guests, schedule conflicts, and another gathering a week later that would have involved most of the invitees and is seen to be more important. I feel sorry for the now non-hostess, because she planned this out of the goodness of her heart, but she can’t seem to grasp that the guest of honor really wouldn’t have felt honored. I was ready to attend, despite the long drive it would have required of me, and now I’m relieved that it’s off. But since most of the players are relatives, I don’t know if I could have said “Are you sure [honoree] would want this?” since the hostess gets her feeling hurt very easily.

Anyway, what you do in a similar situation?

2

It’s not up to you to say anything. 2 should have a nice long talk with 1 and explain why he feels that way. Only 2 can do this because if you do, you might be perceived as meddling by 2 and, as you’ve said, hurtful by 1. Just my 2¢ worth.

3

Yep, stay out of it. Go to the party if you want to go to the party, and stay home if you want to stay home. This is not one of those mandatory events. If you decide to go (hypothetically, I’m saying, I know the shindig didn’t happen) then go with enthusiasm and a smile on your face, with maybe a quiet word to #2 about what a good sport she’s being about all this. Don’t usurp her power by discussing it with #1. Don’t borrow trouble.

4

Fill my mouth with celebratory cake so I don’t accidentally open it and comment on something that’s absolutely none of my business.

5

Yeah, what they said.

In a similar situation, some friends wanted to throw a surprise birthday party for my BIL. His wife, knowing full well that he hates nothing more than surprises, went along with the plans and kept him fully informed. He acted surprised, everyone was happy. I’d do the same for my husband! (They are brothers and rather alike. Surprise parties are their idea of hell.)

6

I’m none too fond of surprise parties myself - I like you BIL’s wife, dangermom!

For the record, I tend to be the MYOB type when it comes to this sort of thing, tho I can’t help but wonder if it wouldn’t be doing person 1 a kindness to point out that her efforts, well-meaning that they are, are really not appreciated. I think I’d like to know if I was planning such an event. On the other hand, I’m pretty sure I’d have talked to the honoree ahead of time, rather than assuming s/he thought the same way I did. <shrug>

Since this particular instance has become a non-event, I don’t have to deal with it. And I guess I don’t really have to deal with it in the future, unless I can draw person 1 into a group conversation about how much people hate surprise parties or other events making a big deal about things they don’t much care about. I will also thank my husband for not being one to plan such things for me. Then again, he knows me pretty well…

Thanks for the input, all!

7

I think it’s up to person 2 to have the chat with person 1.

I’m guessing person 1 would want to celebrate this occassion if it happened to them. Person 1 needs to realise that not everybody feels the same way, and it’s more important to respect Person 2’s wishes in this instance, than satisfy his/her own desire to celebrate.

8

Stay out, and if you think person 2 will really be disturbed by the event, stay away.

9

[QUOTE=FairyChatMom]
I’d like to be able to say the title says it all, but it is a tad obscure. So I shall expand.

Person 1 decides to throw an “occasion” party for person 2. Person 2 really doesn’t want a party for this “occasion.” (Birthday, promotion, graduation, whatever occasion you care to imagine.) However, person 2 knows how important it is to person 1 that the “occasion” be celebrated, and doesn’t want to hurt the host’s feelings.

It’s certainly nice of person 1 to want to honor person 2. Person 2, on the other hand, really doesn’t like having a fuss made and would rather get a phone call or card to commemorate the event.

As an invitee and someone equally close to both, who knows the above dynamic, do you say anything to person 1? Or person 2? Does it matter if one or both are related to you or to each other? Or do you simply play the part of gracious guest? Or does it depend upon the occasion? (for example, person 2 hates birthday parties)

As you may have guessed, I was an invitee in this situation. As it happened, the whole thing fell apart due to health issues of some other guests, schedule conflicts, and another gathering a week later that would have involved most of the invitees and is seen to be more important. I feel sorry for the now non-hostess, because she planned this out of the goodness of her heart, but she can’t seem to grasp that the guest of honor really wouldn’t have felt honored. I was ready to attend, despite the long drive it would have required of me, and now I’m relieved that it’s off. But since most of the players are relatives, I don’t know if I could have said “Are you sure [honoree] would want this?” since the hostess gets her feeling hurt very easily.

Anyway, what you do in a similar situation?
[/QUOTE]

I would (and have done)tell the party organiser that the guest of Honour really hates that sort of thing.
Its not as traumatic to the organiser as you’d think,quite often they’re doing it out of duty and are relieved when they’re let off the hook.

I personally hate surprises of any kind(for reasons from a previous life) and have made it very clear to everyone that i know so that i hopefully will never be put into that position.

10

[QUOTE=Lust4Life]
I would (and have done)tell the party organiser that the guest of Honour really hates that sort of thing.
Its not as traumatic to the organiser as you’d think,quite often they’re doing it out of duty and are relieved when they’re let off the hook.

I personally hate surprises of any kind(for reasons from a previous life) and have made it very clear to everyone that i know so that i hopefully will never be put into that position.
[/QUOTE]

If invitations have been sent, it’s a little late to pop in and explain what a bad idea it is.