One is the loneliest number. We all know that. But what is the most useless letter? If we had to pair down the ol’ 26 we know and love, who gets the ax? (Or “axe” if you prefer. It’s OK, we gotta keep “E”.) I figure it’s either “C” or “Q” that’s a goner. I mean, come on! They don’t even show up in their own names! Like “U” and “W”, unless you spell them “yue” and then “double-yew”. Either way, it’s a stretch and pretty stupid. Seeing how “U” is a vowel, the workhorses of the alphabet, it gets a “pass”. “W” also provides us with the vital “wuh” sound, so we need that too.
But “Q”? What do we need “Q” for? Nothing. It’s redundant. It can’t even stand on its own, it needs “U” as a prop. Prissy bastard letter. It takes two letters to justify “Q” and then you could just replace them with, oh let’s see… “KW” and you’re Jake. Who needs “Q”? No one. (Other than Iraq of course. But bump out “Q” and make it Irak. Who’s going to notice?)
Now let’s look at “C”. Not the speed of light, of course. You can’t look at that, it’s a speed after all, even though you need light to see. Unless you’re a bat or dolphin, but still to really see, you need light. Even if you have cool echo-location. But the letter “C”? The chameleon of the alphabet. It either sounds like “S” or “K”. So let’s just use “S” or “K” where needed, huh? It’s a perfect plan! Almost a perfect plan anyway. “K” would be pulling a lot of extra duty, already doing all of its own work, then covering for that namby-pamby “Q” and now we have it covering for “C” too. But “K” is a brawny lad and could handle the added load.
Only… “C” is the chameleon of the alphabet like I said and that might be the reason to keep it around. Chameleon. The “CH”. I guess we could learn to use “KH” instead (or just good old “K” for “kameleon”), but I’m trying for simple here folks. I guess “C” just might slide through. Just for “CH”-s if nothing else.
I’ve got my eye on that slack-ass “X” too. All smug, marking spots on treasure maps and being all mysterious as the variable of choice. But as a working letter? Makes “Q” look like a hardy bon vivant. Just makes me sick, the way it slacks off all the time. I mean really, you make up an alphabet book where every letter has to have a picture to go with it, without “X-ray”, “X” is pretty much sunk. There’s always “xanthene”, but then how many synonyms for yellow do we need floating around?
“Q”, don’t be too comfortable there in your #17 slot. You could can get canned at anytime.
Then I’m gunning for the semi-colon.