Not asking for advice just opinions. My girlfriend has two children. they are now 4 and 8. Due to medical conditions she had to go through egg donor IVF to have them. So genetically they are not her biological children but she carried and gave birth to them. If they had been adopted she would have laid the groundwork with them from the beginning. But it seems like the adoption process is much easier to explain to a child than IVF. Its easy to use language like “mommy and daddy chose you.” Concepts like donor eggs requires knowledge of biology. She feels the subject should not come up until they are old enough to understand the biology behind the process. Although I’m not involved in the decision its my opinion that she is right. I’m wondering what other opinions are?
If I were her, I’d be laying the groundwork with very basic explanations now. They won’t completely understand the whole process now, but once they finally do, it won’t come as a shock, because they would have had a general idea about it all for years. It seems like a better idea than springing the whole story on them when they’re older and are sorting out who they are in general.
Bu then, I have no experience with IVF.
Totally wild ass guess on my behalf, based on the maturity of my kids at the time, I would say age 12 sounds reasonable. However, the younger one will only be 8 when the older one is 12.
Maybe split the difference and tell them at 10 and 14? Are they girls, boys, what?
ETA: I like Omega’s idea better, actually. Edited again, no in second thought 4 and 8 is too young to be going there. Now I’m confused.
For the young ones, I’d say “Sometimes moms and dads need help from a doctor to have babies. Dr. Jones helped use have you and we we are so happy!”
As they get older and learn the concepts of sperm and eggs, I’d say something like “Because your mother has Problem X, she needs medical help to have babies. She wanted a big happy family, so she was able to use an egg donor to have you! Your mother is your mother and gave birth to you, but a very special woman helped us by donating her eggs. The doctor took her eggs and put them into mommy so that she could have you.”
I’ve always planned to adopt a child so I have thought about this sort of thing. My view is “the sooner they know, the better”, based on what seems to happen with children who are adopted. I think a kid who grows up hearing that they are not genetically related to Mom will easily accept it as normal, whereas someone who doesn’t find out until they’re older may be shocked or feel like they were deceived because society has been telling them all their life that “normal” is being genetically related to your parents.
I don’t think this is a topic that you sit down, have a Big Talk about, and that’s it. It’s more of a process of revelation. At their current ages, the kids probably will not understand every detail, but I think I would start introducing the topic now and keep discussing it as their understanding grows. There are children books out there to help with explaining these concepts:
I strongly agree. If it’s something they always kind of know, even if the details are hazy, they are less likely to go through a “OMG I must not belong!” phase. It shouldn’t feel like a family secret or a shameful thing. It’s just an extra bit of trivia about their birth.
Why bring it up at all? I’m not criticizing the decision to share the details, I’m just wondering why it’s necessary.
For one, it’s good to know what medical problems your genetics predispose you to.
Well, heck, if an adult is confused…
This bookabout reproduction, targeted at the 7 and older crowd, includes a few paragraphs on IVF and other reproductive technologies. I’d get something like that and read it with the 8 year old, throwing out, “Hey! That’s what we had to do before you were born! Cool!” I’d be very hesitant to make it a big reveal when the kid is approaching adolescence.
Exactly. She has all the information on the donors. If anything comes up in the future the family histories are known.
I agree with her. In my experience, however, that begins* at about age 5, so she’s going to have to find a TARDIS…
*Begins, as in, don’t save it all for one big Talk. It should be part of the education on reproduction/where do babies come from, and that should begin when the kid starts asking questions or in kindergarten, whichever comes first.
And even if you don’t know that stuff, it’s nice to avoid situations where the child, when older, finds out because someone assumes the kid was told (commiserating with a cousin about difficulty conceiving, cousin casually cites the IVF used to produce her, blowing her mind), or why the high school Biology class blood test experiment has impossible results, or why Mom probably isn’t a good match for a kidney donation or vice versa.
Or, even worse, a greedy cousin tries to contest an inheritance, and mom and dad are no longer around to explain their decisions. Or a spiteful ex tries to poison the children’s minds against their mom. Family secrets will come out eventually. And when it’s all the good guys keeping the secrets, that means its someone bad who is going to end up revealing it for their own purposes.
Dr. Phyllis Martin is a therapist with a specialty in infertility in general and donor egg in particular.
She has a number of podcasts that may be helpful, including a discussion with a 10-year-old boy conceived by donor egg (scroll down to 9/26/11) and what he was told growing up, and her own efforts to conceive that way and how she told her own children about it (8/22/11).
There is no question of it being a Family Secret. No one wants that. It’s a matter of when.
Some very good resources. Thank you to everyone. I’ll have to pass this on to her.