pluto, don’t let her get away with a gross dereliction of duty like that.
Make sure you get plenty of sleep during the day, so that you have enough energy to stay awake during the dark hours. At night, while she’s sleeping, let out a loud groan that trails into a gurgle. Repeat until she wakes up. If that doesn’t work, a sharp poke in the ribs will help. Then ask her “are you asleep? I can’t sleep.” Turn on the lights and limp to the bathroom, where you succumb to a fit of loud sneezing and disgusting noises involving your nose and a handkerchief. After tossing and turning a few minutes, relate to her nostalgic tales of how your mother used to bring you hot chocolate and a hot water bottle when, as a child, you were suffering from this disease.
Remind her of these interesting facts from WebMD:
<<Approximately 10 to 15 percent of adult colds are caused by viruses also responsible for other, more severe illnesses: adenoviruses, coxsackieviruses, echoviruses, orthomyxoviruses (including influenza A and B viruses), paramyxoviruses (including several parainfluenza viruses), respiratory syncytial virus and enteroviruses.>> and <<The National Center for Health Statistics (NCHS) estimates that, in 1994, 66 million cases of the common cold in the United States required medical attention or resulted in restricted activity.>> Remind her every ten minutes of how it’s only your incredible resilience and strength of will that prevents you from being under intensive care in a major medical facility.
Make sure every request for a drink or snack is first preceded by your attempt to lift yourself out of the chair, and then falling back with a whimper. Repeat if necessary. When she asks “do you need something?” (which she will eventually) say in a raspy voice “no dear, I don’t want to trouble you” with a sob in your voice.
Ask her for the phone book and start jotting down the numbers of funeral homes in your vicinity. Mention to her how it’s always good to plan ahead and you’ve decided to look into headstones and picking out a good quote for your tomb. Speculate about the very real possibility that pluto may be on the verge of “dropping off the twig.” Memorize some verses about the transience of human ambition and endeavour. I personally like Walter De La Mare.
From W.d.l.M., “November”:
<<Cold wind where your voice was,
Tears, tears where my heart was,
And ever with me,
Child, ever with me,
Silence where hope was.>>
or from “All that’s Past”:
<<Very old are we men;
Our dreams are tales
Told in dim Eden
By Eve’s nightingales;
We wake and whisper awhile,
But, the day gone by,
Silence and sleep like fields
Of amaranth lie.>>
or, finally, from “When the Rose is Faded”
<<When the rose is faded,
Memory may still dwell on
Her beauty shadowed,
And the sweet smell gone.>>
If I think of anything else, I’ll be sure and add it here.