I never said I did not want a gift, because I like presents, both giving AND getting. I was not hard to shop for, the standard flowers or candy would be appreciated.
This is kind of messy. Someone has said “I don’t need anything” and this is interpreted as “Don’t get me anything,” and we don’t know what question happened beforehand. “Do you need anything for your birthday?” is a valid question that is very different from “Do you need me to get you a gift your birthday?” And “No,” can be a valid answer to both questions, which is not the same thing as saying “Don’t get me anything.”
I’m wondering what the trap actually is in this case, like what percentage of people are looking for the words that get them out of buying gifts?
Yeah, the primary difficulty with this is that people feel pressured to not “be materialistic” and feel bad saying “yes, please, get me something” (especially someone close to you where you may know their finances aren’t the best or whatever). Women, especially, are conditioned to be people pleasers and not rock the boat, and are arguably more beset on by the culture at large when they’re materialistic.
When most women (and I’d argue this is really gender neutral) get upset about it, we’re not, usually, upset at our partner, friend, or family member per se. We (usually) know they just took us at our word and that’s a good thing, but especially if we got them a gift some of us kinda wish it had happened and are angry at ourselves for saying we didn’t want anything and at the same time kind of wish our friends/family/partner “knew us” well enough to intuit we said what we did out of shame more than a genuine expression of desire. Some are, of course, better at hiding it or ended up having a bad day for other reasons and snap causing arguments about it. And of course some people are just dramatic and do expect those they’re close to to be mind readers.
This is all, of course, complicated by the great deal of people who really don’t get much out of gift giving and don’t want anything.
By this point we have a sense of each other on these things. I know on what occasions my wife wants a present, when an event like a special dinner, etc. We agreed early on that Valentine’s is stupid and we don’t even bring it up any more. Oddly, though, she would get my daughter to make a card or something for her close female relatives on Valentine’s, until my daughter got too busy for it.
Dude, I’m from Pamplona… if I say “I can’t figure out anything I want right now”, it means exactly that. And if I give you a wishlist which includes, say, one specific book from a specific series, it means I want exactly that specific book; if I say I’d like any book from a different series, it means any book. People who do things such as give me an outfit when I’ve asked for a book. Piss. Me. Off.
Do I know people who do that “oh I don’t want anything” thing? Not quite. I do know people who claim to be “low maintenance” when low maintenance my ass; the literal translation of the expression muy sencillita would be along the lines of “very simple”. Yes they’re simple: you simply have to give them exactly what they want, which in turn is about as simple as the Russian legal system to someone who doesn’t speak Russian. I figure it’s a matter of the same kind of personality expressing itself differently in different cultures.
Anyone who says they don’t need or want something for a birthday, holiday, etc. and then gets upset when they don’t receive anything deserves to be disappointed. I think they just want to be able to complain. Same goes for the ones who complain every year that their SO forgot their anniversary or birthday “AGAIN!!! :mad:” They like feeling sorry for themselves or they would make sure it didn’t happen again.
And if you DO get something and tell the gift-giver, “I don’t want this junk!” and destroy it, yeah, forget about getting anything again any time soon, especially if it came from a child. Ask me how I know this.
I never ran into a woman with this attitude. Those who said they didn’t care indeed didn’t care, and those who cared said so.
However, I refuse to celebrate Valentine day so it doesn’t apply here. For this I got some flak (from women who didn’t pretend they didn’t care), but I won’t budge on this. I generally speaking think of mandatory gift-giving and mandatory celebration days as a general annoyance and as totally artificial once you’re past childhood, but I will relent for birthdays/anniversaries/Christmas if it’s important for you. Valentine day, no fucking way. The concept seems to me, not just completely fake and business-driven, like all these other celebrations, but even antithetic to love.
My wife and I usually get funny cards for each other. She also gives me a little box of those chalky hearts with phrases on them? I don’t really know why she chooses those, but I’m happy to crunch 'em.
I will get her a little something additionally…can be something funny or grade school romantic, just so long as she gets something.
We did take it a bit farther this year…her idea. She made a lemon sour cream pie, and I made jambalaya. Our two favorites! I even left the last slice of pie for her - two days after V day. Now that’s love!
Just as importantly, I spread little gifts and do things throughout the year. Gotta keep her fooled that I am a great guy!
Since nobody has actually tried to answer the question as phrased in the OP, I’ll take one for the team.
Sample size of ~n=20 here and calling out probability “I don’t want anything” or “oh, nothing” when asked what they might like is actually not true / is a trap:
If relationship of duration under 1 year: 90% chance it’s a trap
Between 1 year and 2 years: 70% chance
Between 2 and 5 years: 30% chance
5 or more years: 10% chance
Be aware the 5+ year samples only have n=2 in this study, and may represent a skewed sample…conversely, the duration<1 had the highest n (n=14), and presumably indicates a higher validity measurement. 