Ex-SO. We’ve parted friendly. Or rather, as friendly as divorces go. Do I invite him to the wedding, in the hope he won’t come?
Ex-inlaws. Really sweet people, and they have shown me nothing but kindness. But I divorced their brother and son. Invite them to the wedding too, also in the hope they will feel flattered, but won’t come?
My divorced parents. It’s been almost 20 years and mom *still *foams at the mouth at the mere sight of dad. The last time, I had to ask them together, at my gradiation from college, I asked a chivalrous friend to keep mom company all day so she would amuse herself and, hopefully, behave.
Should I repeat this trick? If I ask my mom to behave she will say: “sure” . And then she might behave. But then again, she might not. Either way, I worry.
How have you Dopers dealt with situations like these?
As for the relatives, I suggest Ann Lander’s advice: invite them all and let them decide. Don’t let one play you off the other, just insist that Ann Lander’s knows.
My wife and her mother have not spoken for years for various reasons, one being the attitude my wife’s mom has towards my father-in-law. Even though the divorce was 20 years ago and she remarried there is still a lot of bitterness on her end. But she is my wife’s mom so we felt obligated to invite her. We figured if we stuck her at a table with someone who could “watch over” her everything would be fine.
Unfortunately, she did everything except grab the microphone from the band in her effort to bad mouth my wife. She even went to my parents and told them what a horrible daughter-in-law they now had. I don’t know what my dad said to her (he hasnot told me to this day), but she left in a huff shortly afterwards. We have not seen or talked to her since the wedding.
In hindsight we should have never invited her. On the bright side, I have the world’s best mother-in-law. She never calls, she never stops by…
Snakescatlady, may I ask, what was you reason to elope? Problems like the ones I described, or were you and your SO not so enthusiast on the whole marriage-with-family&friends-thing to begin with ?
And Ka-BOOM!!! Welcome to the SDMB ! I’m sorry to hear about your wife’s mom’s behavior on your wedding. Way to spoil such an important day. In hindsight, was there anything else you could have done? Invited her not to the wedding, but just to a party with the three of you or something? The someone who could “watch over” her-method apparently didn’t work; would you know why?
I vote for buying some “wedding announcements” and sending them to the people you are worrying about. (Possible exception for the parents–they are your parents, after all). Wedding announcements (says she who has never planned a wedding) are intended to be sent to people just after the wedding and indicate that you thought highly enough of the persons to want them to know that you were getting married, but doesn’t require a present from them, and more importantly doesn’t send the message that you want them at the wedding when you really don’t.
I fear sending proper wedding invitations sends the message “I want you at my wedding” not “I value you enough to send you an invitation that you won’t take advantage of by actually showing up” and I fear any discussion clarifying your preference that these persons not show up will be tacky in the extreme.
Unfortunately the only alternative was not inviting her. The situation between her and my wife would not have allowed for a small private party for the three of us. She didn’t talk to us at the wedding, I don’t think she would have wanted a private thing with us instead. Besides, it would have given her more ammunition. She would have been able to tell her friends that her horrible daughter didn’t invite her own mother to the wedding.
The “watch over” method didn’t work because my wife and I were naive. We thought that for one day her mom would be able to put aside all differences and enjoy the day with us. We didn’t take into account that her mom is a (insert words more appropriate for the Pit).
Our solution was to get married at the courthouse with my mother, brother, grandfather & best friend as witnesses. At the time, I fully intended to have a regular ceremony later in the year. As the time drew near I started considering what a monumental hassle the planning would be, including who to invite and NOT invite. In the end, I just said “Screw it!”
Hey, it was a lot cheaper that way. I don’t regret not having a regular wedding at all.
Why would you invite people you hope don’t come? Because you don’t want to insult them by not giving them the pleasure of turning you down? What if they come only because you asked, not because they want to be there, but they are afraid of insuting you.
That whole thing seems like ego tripping. “I want my ex to see me happy without him”
The day should be about your new relationship, not your old one.
Mr. SCL was in the Army, stationed in Hawaii, and I had gone to visit for 2 weeks when he proposed. (We had known each other for 11 years at the time.) The first plan was for me to return to GA and we would get married when he came home on leave. He decided that if I went home without being married, I would change my mind and back out. I decided that a wedding in Hawaii was a wonderful idea
No one in his family has ever had a formal wedding, so his parents/siblings weren’t offended. My mother, who was the only person I would have really wanted at my wedding, was deceased.
So we got a license and went to the courthouse. That weekend we went to a wonderful resort on the North Shore, thanks to a kind Sgt. who took Mr. SCL’s scheduled 24-hour duty when he found out about the wedding.
