When you want your kids to do something

In My Humble Opinion
1

do you ask them or tell them?

I always ask, or I will say I need you to do such and such today.
If I need it done right away I will say I need it done now, otherwise it’s more of a ‘as long as it gets done sometime today’.

Like right now I want my son to bring my clothes up from the laundry room and unload the dishwasher.
It’s no hurry.
We need to go grocery shopping sometime this weekend. I asked him when he wants to go, doesn’t matter to me as long as it gets done.
Sometimes I just write him a note of what I need for him to do. I don’t care how he does it or when he does it, just get it done.
I’ve been told I’m wrong. One, I shouldn’t ask I should tell. Two, when I do ask he should stop what he is doing immediately and go do it. Doesn’t matter what he is doing at the time, mother has spoken and child must obey, now.

Personally I think other people should mind their own business. One of them even got mad at me because they told my son to do as I said and I said he didn’t need to do it right away. They felt that I was usurping their authority, although I have no idea where they got the idea they have any. Another one told me I am ruining my child by not demanding he comply and obey. He has four adult children, only one of which speaks to him, and the others are all slackers who don’t work, and one is in and out of jail.

I guess this is part rant and part question.

I think telling people what to do is disrespectful and asking is polite. I see no reason to treat my son with any less respect than I would give to anyone else.

But maybe I am wrong?

2

I think this is a kind of thing that it useless to look at out of context. I can see how if I knew a parent who was a total doormat with their kids, I might zoom in on the way they always ask, never tell, as the best illustration of an overall pattern that wasn’t healthy. But I can also see how if I knew a parent I thought was too autocratic, I might point at the fact that they never asked, they always told as the best summation of their attitude.

What I really dislike are people that never thank: whether you ask or tell a child to do something, you should thank them when it’s done.

I also don’t like the construction “Would you like to X?”, even though I am often guilty of using it myself. It’s passive aggressive, trying to act the favor you are asking for isn’t a favor, like you want to confirm that they really just happened to want to do whatever for you, so you need not feel obligated. I also tend to say “sorry” instead of “thank you” for things where thank you is more appropriate: I think I’d rather feel like I was bad, which can be forgiven, instead of beholden, which creates a string. I really work on this.

3

I don’t think it matters how you construct your sentences or how soon you expect the task to be done. The point is that the child does what you say when you want it done. When my children were small, I generally phrased things in a polite way, but just because I said “please” didn’t mean that refusing to obey was an option for my kids, and they knew it. I never had to be all that bossy because the kids knew I was the boss.

The kids are adults now, and everything’s pretty pleasant at my house. Where I would have once said, “Would you please unload the dishwasher after school?” and it would be done, I can now merely observe to my daughters that a task needs to be done, and it magically gets done!

4

Ideally, it’s kind of a combination, isn’t it?

Can you please run downstairs and get some baking potatoes?

I need you to round up the clothes from your bedroom, so I can start laundry.

Get up now! You need to get in the shower or you’ll miss the bus!
You shouldn’t come across as a dictator, but then again, you need to make your kid aware that you’re the one making the rules. The rules can be discussed and negotiated, but the parent is the decider, not the kid: and that needs to be clear.

Kids are just inexperienced humans. They deserve respect, and dignity, and privacy. Just because you conceived them doesn’t mean you get to rule over them. Talk. Discuss. Understand. It’s amazing how intelligent they are if you give them the chance. It’s also amazing how fucking moronic they can be too,

5

I always thank him, it’s the polite, right thing to do.
He thanks me too, I cook dinner I get a thank you and he jumps up to help me clean up. If he cooks ‘dinner’ I thank him.
I guess if he didn’t do what I ask I would tell him but he’s usually pretty good about it.
Of course if he does ‘forget’ there are consequences. I got him out of bed at 3am when he forgot to take the trash out. He only did that once.

Interesting about the bad vs. beholden. I’ll have to think about that one for a bit. I don’t ask him if he wants to do something, I know the answer will be no, and I will say do it anyway, and he’ll say why did I ask then.

My son and I have a very easy, relaxed relationship. He told me it’s kind of hard for him to be a rebellious teenager when I don’t give him anything to rebel against. Kind of hard for me to be a strict parent when he doesn’t do anything to get upset about.
The worst he does is let his hair get long and hang in his eyes, drives my mother and her bf crazy. I figure if that is the worst thing he does I should shut my mouth and count my blessings.
I only get irritated when he has to tilt his head back and look at me from under his hair, but even then all I say is that I will get him a top hat and some sunglasses and call him Cousin Itt.

6

I think people should mind their own business. If your kid is old enough and responsible enough to actually do what you ask, who cares how you frame the request?

I usually tell nicely but don’t ask (“Ok, guys - time to get ready for bed. Please put your books down and let’s go.” Then always thank them when they comply.). Then again, my kids are 6 and almost 3. I can see where, when they’re older, I might ask and specify that something just “needs to get done at some point today, but no emergency.” At this point I don’t really expect them to remember what I asked them to do for too terribly long, especially my littlest.

7

I ask my son to do things, and I say please, and I thank him after. If I don’t get the desired resonse, I say, “I’m sorry, let me rephrase that…Go do [whatever].” But mostly, he knows that when I ask him to do things, what I’m really doing is telling him nicely what needs to be done.

I am also as specific as possible when I’m going the asking. Even when he was little I would say things like, “Please pick up your toys, because we’re leaving soon” or whatever reason the thing needed to be done. It eliminated the “why” question so many parents hate. I also tell him when I’m asking, how quickly it needs to be done. “Please make sure your laundry is done before bed, so I can do mine,” or “Please get up now and do the dishes.”

I think if the parents are going to let their kids walk all over them, it’s not going to matter how they phrase things. I think if the parents want a healthy respectful relationship, it helps to treat the child with courtesy and give them the chance to respond that way first.

8

I think it has to do with your parenting style. Your question is ‘which parenting style is the better: authoritative or authoritarian?’ Your friends are using the authoritarian style. You are using authoritative.

There are other styles: Parenting styles - Wikipedia)

I use an approach much like yours. Politeness, respectfulness, modeling good manners/behaviors, and I also don’t sweat the small stuff. I often don’t care if the kids jump up and do their laundry at that moment or in 20 minutes (or 2 hours, depending) when they finish what they are doing first, as long as they get it taken care of. One kid that visits us regularly actually jumps immediately when a request is made. I find that strange.

You should use whatever method is comfortable and works well for you.

I was once told that asking kids to do stuff was weak, and I should compel them to obey. I do not agree at all.

9

It depends on how old the child is, and the social skills of a child.

When my daughter was still a child, I’d say something on the order of “I want you to do the dishwasher now, please” or when she was older “I want you to do the dishwasher before you go to bed, please”. I told her what I expected of her. I was polite, but one thing I didn’t do was ask “Will you do the dishwasher for me, please?” because that implied that she had a choice. Occasionally I did give her a choice between two tasks, and I’d take the other chore. But implying that a child has the choice to not do what s/he is told to do is a bad idea. I see parents in public places, saying “OK, are you ready to go?” when it’s obvious that the parent is ready to go, but the child isn’t done yet. Then the parent gets frustrated because the child hasn’t read the parent’s mind, and doesn’t realize that this wasn’t a choice, but an order.

10

I think it depends on how you see your relation to your kid. Personally I treat my son the same way I treat every responsible person. We discuss decisions that concern both of us and I let him decide his own business. I agree with the OP, let him know the things that need to be done and he does them on his terms, but in a given time-frame :wink: more pleasant for everybody.
A lot of parents sadly don’t have the patience to develop a relationship of trust and rely on orders. In my eyes, that doesn’t make it any nicer or more rewarding for the kid.

11

I think one of the most important things you can do for your kids is model good behaviour. I want my kids to grow up to be polite people. Therefore, I will be polite to them. Asking, and saying please, is polite. So is letting people do things on their own time, if it doesn’t inconvenience you one way or the other.

I had a very proud moment the other week, when I asked my 4yo to do something for me. He did it, and I said thanks. Then he turned around and said “You’re welcome.”

Nobody’s ever told him to say that. He picked it up from observation. That makes me smile.

12

When my kids were younger, I’d ask nicely and they’d comply. Of course, when they asked me nicely, (and it was appropriate) I’d comply.

In their teens things changed just a bit. My daughter would still comply, but might sigh. My son would comply, but I might have to mention $$, then he would comply.

13

I* hated *being “asked” to do something as a kid and teen. If I don’t have the option to say no, it’s not a request is it? So why would you frame your demand in a deliberately misleading way?

14

You should always IMO tell your kids what to do, but frame it as a request, having previously made it aware to them that it is NOT a request.

Also you should always thank them afterwards, and make them feel good about having done it.

Where time allows you should tell them why you are "asking "them to do this chore.

The fact is that you do NOT negotiate with your kid, if they get stroppy you AREN’T beholden to explain to them.

(Anyone who’s had a lary kid do the “Why” game; knows where I’m coming from.“Put your toys away !”“Why ?”"Because it makes the house untidy and we might trip over them ". "Why?"etc etc.

You are hopefully more mature then your child, you have more experience of life, and having to actually look after yourself then they do.

Also its YOUR house, and its your food that they’re eating, while they’re kept warm by, and the tv is operating from YOUR financial outlay.

They’re children, so treat them as such.

That means a lot of the time you tell them what to do, with no arguments.

Not being total, over indulgent Pussys, who are so overwhelmed a their own genius in producing such obviously "gifted "children ; that you treat them as virtual equals, and are for ever asking them for forgiveness, negotiating with them for good behaviour, asking their advice on family matters, and so on.

If you really do this, you should ask yourself the question;"Why if I’m “X” years old and do these things do I feel that I’m competent to be a parent ?

15

I used to work with children with behavioural problems. Our strategy was to always give two options, as this accomplishes several things:

  1. It empowers children so that they feel they have some control over their lives. Children who feel they have absolutely no say over what happens will act out.
  2. It teaches children to make decisions that are good for them. If a child grows up following orders, how will they learn to make decisions for themselves?
  3. It removes the option of not doing anything. If the options are: would you prefer to do the washing up, or to fold the clothes, then “no” isn’t a response. If you say: “do the washing up” then, “no” is an option. It seems simple, but it actually works in all situations. For example, instead of saying “it’s bed time”, you might say: “are you putting on PJs first, or brushing teeth first?” the discussion is no longer about whether going to bed is happening.

In my experience, this means that everything is a request, so you are always being polite and you are always an example to children. At the same time all possible outcomes are what you want. Obviously, you wouldn’t make the options “do you want to help with shopping or not” because one of those options you don’t want: it opens up the possibility of not complying.

It seems like a chore at first, to have to phrase everything like that, but you get used to it and it becomes second nature. Works on naughty adults too :smiley:

ETA: Frankly, if my parents tried to order me around I would’ve told them to fuck off. From a very young age. I was a difficult child, but they knew their way around and actually naturally tended to offer choices without any training at all. But I can tell you orders would NOT have worked, and IME there are plenty of children like that. And quite right too :wink: I like kids like that!

16

It depends on what I need them to do. Even then, sometimes I mix it up depending on how soon I need it done. Even when I know there will be a negative response by telling, I will usually proceed to tell in some cases because its what they expect and we both need an argument.

17

That was my experience. I knew very well that I didn’t have the option of saying no.

I DID give my daughter options…things like what sort of vegetables she wanted for dinner, whether she wanted to go to the library or the botanic gardens for an outing, things like that. Going to the library or to the botanic gardens were about the same cost (the amount of gasoline) and I was willing to take her to either place. I didn’t offer to take her to Putt-Putt unless I could afford to buy the tokens and a few snacks, for instance. I narrowed down the options, and then gave her a choice of options. She didn’t have the option of choosing a dessert for a vegetable, for instance, but she could choose to have green beans or broccoli.

She also decided that she wanted to take JROTC in high school, rather than PE. I thought that she wouldn’t enjoy it, and told her so, and I also told her that she was old enough to start making these kinds of decisions. As it happens, she DID enjoy JROTC very much, she learned a lot in it, and I’m glad that it worked for her. And I told her so.

18

Having checked with the kid, she says I have a very reasonable escalation - from the polite request when there’s no hurry, through request with timescale and immediate request to “now, please.”*
Cups of tea are an exception - I demand, whine and grovel for tea.

*She also knows that if it doesn’t get done I will stop being poilte as we are a team in this house I don’t think it’s polite to ignore me.

19

It depends on the age and the situation. If your toddler is about to do something dangerous, there is no request, only an order. Also when push comes to shove, if something’s absolutely necessary there may be no options. For example, we don’t ask a child if she *wants *to get her immunization injection.

However, children should see and experience politeness. I remember in my early teens suddenly becoming aware that I didn’t mind doing things for my mother because she always asked nicely, and said “please,” and “thank you.” I felt good after doing something for her. My dad, on the other hand, gave orders only, usually preceded by “Hey!”

Politeness does not mean “getting walked on” by anyone. I have a close friend who did let her kids, especially her son, trample her often, from early childhood. I remember hearing “Ten more minutes, and then you have to go right to bed,” for hours. Requests never became requirements. It’s no surprise to me that her son is a manipulative, self-centered brat as an adult.

20

Brilliant !
I will use these tactics when the situation arises !