I think what would have been the most helpful would have been someone to help out with household chores, so that I could have concentrated on the baby and healing up. Instead I got someone who wanted to play with the baby, and seemed to think that all of the household things would magically happen. She also stayed wayyy too long.
I would be glad to come and be the helper for my daughter or son, if I could really be helpful and not in the way. I think it’s a good idea to talk about what the visit will entail and how long it will last in advance.
Oh no, that’s rubbish.
My mum let me do nothing but concentrate on getting healed, breast feeding established, and bonding with my baby.
My house sparkled, and I cooked nothing.
She also helped me get confident with dealing with this tiny human.
Prenatal classes are good, but your mum giving you a cuddle at zero dark o’thirty and assuring you that you’re doing great, is priceless.
Going to call my mum now and tell her that I love her.
My in-laws came during the first days at home with the baby. We arrived to discover that our washer was broken, and there was water, and…well, they cleaned and dried the floor and installed the new washer and held the baby (who didn’t sleep the first night at home).
My parents helped after that, and they were wonderful too, it’s just that the main set of crises was over by then.
My parents came to stay with us for 4 weeks after my son was born. We lived far away and it was the only time they saw us for about 10 months after.
They did go out and do things during the day, but helped with dinner and putting together all the baby stuff. Also let me take a nap everyday, which was really helpful for the post baby exhaustion.
My kids were born over a 2-decade span - eldest in 1991, when I was 21, youngest in 2012, when I was 42. Mom dropped off a couple of meals, MIL watched the baby for a few minutes so I could shower, but no one moved into the guest room or anything. Thank goodness. I’d have hated the whole idea of hosting even a helpful person.
My perspective might have been different if the babies or I had experienced health complications. But we didn’t, and guests politely limited themselves to visits of hours, not weeks.
And my mom, in-laws, and brother were very helpful during the births of the younger kids - minding the older kids, making sure I came home to a clean house, etc. But, knowing my preferences, they cleared out after making sure that new baby and I were properly inside.
When our son was born, my wife’s mother came for a few days when she and the baby came home form the hospital. After that she left. Then my wife had to go back to the hospital unfortunately, but it was fortunately the day my mother had just been coming to visit. She stayed for about a week which was a life saver.
Both sets of grandparents lived in town near us. I don’t remember feeling that I needed help. They’d come over for a visit - mainly to see the baby and take pictures. (This was in the 80’s)
My mom would have helped in a heartbeat if I had needed it. In NO WAY would I have wanted my MIL around. She would have driven me crazy.
My daughter lives a few hours away. For each of my grandchildren’s births, she called me when she was headed to the hospital and I drove down to be at the birth, but always went back home the next day. She never seemed to need my help.
My son and his fiance lived at her parent’s home (he was still in college), so she had her mom. I would have felt intrusive even if they had lived on their own. Your MIL is not the same as your mom!
Of course, if I had been asked (by either), I would have gladly done whatever I could.
We had very little help during the first couple of weeks after we had my son, and I do wish we’d asked someone for it. I had a seizure after giving birth and they discharged me with very dangerously high blood pressure. I had no idea until I passed out at my son’s first appointment and they told me to either get to my doctor immediately or go to the ER. Because I’d been unable to properly care for him and my husband didn’t know any better, my son was also dehydrated. Luckily, no permanent damage was done (that we know of) but I wish we’d had someone close by who could’ve forced me to get some care so I could’ve better cared for my son.
When my kids have kids - if they have kids (and hopefully not for a good 15-20 years from now) - I hope I’m there. I also hope for their sakes that they live in the same town and that I and my husband are healthy. I’m about 3 hours away from my closest relative (my mom) and she was an alcoholic (now recovering) at the time I had my son, so I didn’t trust her alone with him. I don’t want my kids to feel like they’re all alone and have no family to turn to. We’re lucky that we’ve managed to build a network, but that didn’t really happen until the kids were in elementary school. It was incredibly stressful.
An interesting chat, and though an older topic, it’s one that isn’t time sensitive in my view, where later additions fail to add anything of value to.
I had my first in 1983, and grandma (my mom) was buzzing with excitement over coming over after the birth and staying for a while to help with all things related to baby and mom, and what a blessing she was to have in the home. I was tired and sore, and what a perfect solution than to have your very own mom in to help, and everyone knows how much grandmas love babies.
Growing up the oldest of 5, I helped my mom with the care of baby siblings (was making bottles and changing diapers at age 8), and while I do remember my moms – mom, along with an aunt (my moms younger sister), coming in and staying with us kids for a few days when mom was in the hospital giving birth to baby 1966, baby 1968, and baby 1971, however, when baby 1973 was due, I was going on age 11 (more like 16), and I begged mom to stay home from school so I could care for the family while she was in the hospital, and low and behold, mom accepted. Dad was around, though he worked each day, but I had some 6 years experience behind me already helping care for baby siblings, and 2 years babysitting experience outside the home, so was more than up to the task, and in those days, neighbours were close (everyone knew one another), so had I run into any sort of problem or problems throughout the day when dad was out, there were good neighbours on either side of us who would have stepped-in in an instant.
Being a guy, obviously I was never a mother, but I think the modern trend of being scared of everything has something to do with it. I don’t think helicopter parenting is really a generational thing, just that today’s helicopter parents are exposed to anxiety-inducing modern media, and many grandparents may very well be the same, only they are not in a position of parental responsibility anymore.
I know I wouldn’t want my mother taking care of any infants. She has health anxiety, and thinks she’s a doctor. (She’s very uneducated.) She isn’t computer-literate enough to use Google but gets Whatsapp videos about coronavirus (and then tries to “educate” me on it). She believes in natural health cures. At least she’s not an anti-vaxxer.
I hate the thought of changing diapers. Not because it’s hard, or because I think it’s “women’s work”, but because I think it’s gross. I wouldn’t want her to change the diapers though. I’d rather buy a machine to handle that chore. (I don’t know if anyone sells a machine like that just yet.)
I was very worried, since I had no experience with babies or young children at all. Plus, I had placenta previa and was going in for a planned C-section with the strong possibility of major blood loss as well as abdominal surgery (this happened). My own mother, who lived a half hour away, would not have dreamed of offering any help. She doesn’t like me, and she doesn’t like babies, children, or caring for other people in any way, really. So that was out. My MIL was worse in some ways but luckily was 3000 miles away. A friend offered to help out; she wrote me a letter I got in the hospital, saying she had changed her mind. My youngest sister also said she would help – she also bailed on me at the very last possible moment. I think my friend was simply a coward; my sister was, as it turned out, taking revenge on me for slights she had nurtured since she was a small child but never informed me of. I didn’t find this out for years though. And my husband, even more ignorant than I was, had to go back to work immediately. It was a bad time.
I hired a doula to come in every day I think for two weeks. She cooked, cleaned, diapered, watched the baby while I slept … I was bedridden for about a week after my 3 days in the hospital. She was absolutely essential. God bless her.
I haven’t had a kid, but during the time I was born my grandma lived with my parents for a while (first child, no other family close by, although not anywhere near 3000 miles apart). While I don’t think anyone saw the arrangement as 100% necessary, I’m sure it was helpful. She had moved out before my brother was born 3 years later. I think having family at least nearby can really help, although actually living with the family is entirely down to personal preference. I don’t think I would want someone else living at my house, but having someone come by to help would be extremely supportive.
I was as prepared as could be before I gave birth, everything was ready to go, I had bottles and the freezer was stocked. I had a C-section and was in the hospital for several days. Me, my husband and baby went home and did pretty well on our own (I was in my late 30’s) - I had some pain and husband took some time off work and helped a lot for a week. What a hazy timeless-time that was! I had no idea what day it was. Very weird time. My mother grudgingly offered to come over and ‘help’, whatever that meant. I wasn’t supposed to go up and down stairs, so she did some laundry, washed a few dishes, and did a few errands. That lasted a day, she went home and said, ‘call me if you need anyothing’. She didn’t like me or my husband much and was only there out of a sense of obligation, I guess, and didn’t give a flying fig about her new granddaughter, though she was polite when we visited her…My mother-in-law lived a few miles away and was a dear lady, thrilled to be a grandmother! She didn’t think much of me when I married her son, I was kind of fat and schlumpy looking, and my voice makes me sound like a nasal backwards special child. But my husband told me, she had told him how impressed she was that I was taking such good care of the baby, not letting it roll off the couch or leaving it at the mall, LOL. A compliment! Of course, she died about 3 years later and we lost a nice enthusiastic grandma.
I had a pretty complicated emergency c-section and was in the hospital longer than normal (4-5 days I think). Then my husband was home for a while. My parents and in-laws both lived with-in an hour and both were willing to help. Both were respectful of when I did and didn’t want help. No one came and stayed with me after my husband went back to work, but my mother, MIL, sister and SIL were all there for me if I called.