Dear Mr. “I Can’t Wait in Line”:
Everyone in the neighborhood has a great system worked out. You see, when we leave our apartments for work in the morning, and we want to catch a cab downtown, we all go to the corner and wait in line. This system makes sense. If we didn’t have it, everyone who wanted to catch a cab would end up running around in the street, trying to hail a taxi and jump in it before their fellow neighbors. It would be a giant mess and would likely result in a lot of fistfights and nastiness between people who live on the same block. Thus, we developed the current “Wait in Line” system to make things run more smoothly.
Problem is, every so often (at least a couple times a week), you come hustling down the block and you cut in front of the line. This is really fucking inconsiderate, and it really gets people upset. That must be why I’ve seen a couple dozen of our neighbors telling you off at fairly regular intervals.
This morning, I’m waiting on line with my neighbor Katie, and I see you come out the front door of your building. I said to Katie, “Watch this guy. I betcha he tries to cut the line.” And, true to form, you did. You ran right out into the street and tried to take Katie’s cab. The one that she had been waiting 15 minutes for.
We can’t understand why the hell you express this inability to wait in line like everyone else, which I why I handed you a most gratuitous verbal ass-beating. It’s not like you’re unaware that there’s a line. After all, several other neighbors have mentioned it to you, as I did when I was telling you off. So why do you feel entitled to cut in front of everybody, dipshit?
And yes, we did notice your asinine tactic of running back to your building after we cursed you out and sending your doorman to do your dirty work. We saw you head back into your building and we saw the doorman come sprinting back out 5 seconds later. He also ran down the block and tried to cut the line. By this point, Katie had taken her cab and was on her way to work, but I witnessed it. And I cursed that motherfucker out, too.
You still think you’re entitled to cut the line, but you don’t want to put up with us, so you sent your doorman out to hail you a cab? That’s really fucking snobbish, and I hope I see you walking around on the street one day, because I plan to thoroughly kick your ass and beat into you the fact that we’re all created equal here on Planet Earth, and if you feel like you’re entitled to treat others with a lack of respect, you’re part of the problem.