Take the sex layer out of this story and I can’t imagine anyone supporting the lifestyle as conducive to the children’s mental health. But since it’s a lifestyle based on a sexual choice, anyone who takes issue with it is a vanilla prude.
What a novel, insightful take on the subject. I can’t *believe *no one else has voiced it yet! I’m sure the poster pitted in this thread won’t be able to help but repent her wicked ways instantly upon reading it. Thank God you came along, Farmwoman!
- supergoose, your newest fan
Actually, what Farmwoman is pointing out is what I hadn’t noticed in three years of reading the SDMB ?at least a couple of times a week.
I didn’t spend alot of times in alt lifestyle/sex threads because I was mostly reading for those fabulously funny moments all threads can have. Maybe there isn’t that many threads on those subjects compared to everything else. Anyway, I had not noticed this intellectual blind spot alot of you have—another poster said it best, was it Shodan? I’m not slogging through to find it
“some people are so openminded their brains fall out” no shit, I see that now!
Let me remind you what you said before, which I said was fucked up.
This is game playing to me. Why is the world would you have a valid need (to feel loved) which is met by him stroking your hair, and you can’t ask lest he may think about it and refuse to give you comfort?
Different strokes for different folks, and all that, but I cannot fathom why someone would want to hurt someone he loved. I guess that’s why I would never work out in a master / slave thing. When my wife is down, I hug her and stroke her hair. It’s obvious that she likes it, and so I do it specifically to make her feel better. It also helps me realize that whatever little thing had bothered me was really not worth upsetting her.
Sure, we disagree (sometimes) and fight (a little, it’s more me, which I’m working on) and make up (all the time) but while I type this, I just can’t imagine seeing her feeling down and not wanting to comfort her. Especially if she had PMS. Especially in front of the (future) children. Especially if we were waiting to clear up an issue.
The kids part again bothers me. You kneel in front of them?
I posted earlier regarding this topic and I don’t know if I was completely off base the first time. I’m sure **freekalette **will correct me if I’m wrong:
If the information she has given us is accurate (and my memory of it is too) you’re completely right. They are playing a game. And, at least in front of other people, it’s mainly a mental one concerning motives. That sounds really condescending, I know, but that’s the vibe I get. She describes it as he “makes” her do things, but they’re, supposedly, respectful about it on the outside. An example she used: she tells a kid to give Daddy his plate of food. In her mind, she’s serving him and he’s forcing her to but it’s mainly about intent, not appearance. I could be completely wrong, but it’s the only way I can reconcile in my mind how they can be having a Dom/sub relationship 24/7 and yet still be outwardly respectful towards one another, as she claims is the case. I also get an overall feeling from the vocabulary she uses and the way she describes their relationship that it is playful.
Edited again to address kneeling in specific: I think her kneeling on the floor is no more revealing in context than sitting in a specific chair, if you know what I mean. From looking, you’d just think she likes kneeling on the floor. She doesn’t make a subservient show of it.
Okay, today is a perfect example of this very thing. I’m PMSing like crazy, and was being rude and bitchy. Totally my fault, and hormones are no excuse, but there you have it. I was pushing Joe’s buttons and he shot me The Look. Yeah, you know the Look, the one that says “So help me God…” Joe’s not going to yell at me in front of the kids. The kids were here, so there was no fighting it out at the time. In most circumstances, yeah I’ll kneel at his feet while he’s on the couch, and put my head in his lap and have him stroke my hair. (Today I didn’t cause I was busy tending to other things.) Sure, it’s selfish as fuck of me to still want to have my hair stroked even after I was acting like an asshole for no good reason, but there you have it.
That was so laser thin and razor sharp, that I almost missed it’s cut…till I got to the signature. And upon re-reading, I guess the pitted poster repenting was a give-away too…
Damn near whooshed me though.
Freekalette, your continual apologies and excuse-making for totally normal and acceptable behavior (i.e., feeling “selfish as fuck” for wanting some positive attention when you’re in a bad mood and having a bad day) are exhausting to read.
But really I just wanted to say that I will forgive all other offenses if you will please for the love of crap stop saying “but there you have it” so much.
Oh, honey, no it’s not.
After having lived in Asia for a while, I’ve got to tell you… there’s whole societies built on this concept. Ancient societies with a direct social interest in the infantilization of women. Both sexually and mentally.
Uh, you’re completely missing his point. He’s saying that in a healthy relationship, you should be able to tell him specifically that you like it when he strokes your hair and he will do it just because you like it. You’re giving the impression that you can’t tell him that because then he’ll stop doing it, and that is not the mark of a healthy, loving, communication-based relationship.
That’s nice. So you’re saying that you encourage such relationship? Or are you just saying that it’s just as unhealthy? Because no one is disputing that.
Not specifically aimed at you, more in general: yeah, there are comparable relationships. And there are relationships that are worse. Does that mean we can’t comment on this particular relationship?
MsWhatsit, sorry for saying, er, y’know. THAT PHRASE. I told you I was having a bad day, and I didn’t even realize I was doing it. (Twice in one post, holy shit balls.)
Sarahfeena did you just call me “honey”? confused
And it wasn’t just having a bad day and being in a bad mood, I was fucking vindictive, out for blood, and NOT CARING. (Until I got that Look and realized what I was doing.) For y’all that might be acceptable behaviour, but in my mind (sub mentality aside) it’s just plain mean.
Yeah…I feel kind of bad about posting that, now. It just seemed as though she was blatantly stirring things up all over again when it looked as though the flames were finally settling dying down a bit.
Sorry.
Haaa! The SDMB is on a roll tonight! I am having a ball. That tickled me so much. I don’t even know why everything on this board is so funny tonight.
Hey, freekalette…I like to kneel and have my head stroked too! I never considered it to be a part of some larger sex society, but I really do like it.
I wonder if it is a holdover from sitting between my mom’s legs as a child, having my hair braided…
Forgive me for adding yet another comment to this thread, but it sounds like you need a better way of dealing with foul moods. Being vindictive, out for blood and not caring is not, in my mind, an acceptable way to deal with it, especially if you’re aiming it at the kids as well. I know it’s none of my business and you’ve had more than enough comments about seeking therapy, but you really have nothing to lose, and it sounds like it could help.
Okay. I was confused, but I get it now. You missed the part about me not telling Joe that stroking my hair feels good WHILE HE’S MAD. He knows that I love it, which is why he does it. And I’ve told him, when we are both in good spirits, that it feels good even when he’s mad, but at the specific moment that he is unhappy with me, he’s not thinking about doing things to make me happy. He’s just smiling away and projecting an aura of calm while inside his head it’s like “Damn that woman! I told her not to ever say that to me again! Only two more hours till the kids are asleep, and I can tell her what I think…”
We on the same page now?
And I don’t aim my anger at the kids (unless they specifically warrant it.) I was just PMSing, and pushing Joe’s buttons. Not proud of it, but it does happen.
’
Will consider speaking with a professional, if I can find one Im comfortable with.
Yes, I did…please don’t take it the wrong way. I just seriously don’t want you to think that you don’t deserve to have your hair stroked just because you acted like an asshole for no good reason. We all do that sometimes (no one knows better than me about that right now). But when someone cares about you, they stroke your hair BECAUSE you were acting like that, not in spite of it.
No, it’s fine. Just a little…odd, considering the thread at hand.
I just know if someone treated me like shit for a day and blamed it on their hormones, the gloves would come off. Even if it was my own mom.
So far, everyone that has posted openly about D/s relationships has mental health issues. That’s referring to the Dopers I have noticed (Freakalette, A Priori Tea, Robin Goodfellow) and it refers to self-described mental health issues such as anxiety and bipolar. Obviously, I don’t think all BDSMers have mental health issues, although for all I know they all do. (Meaning, I know nothing about BDSM.) But it’s hard to judge how I’d feel about it since I haven’t heard from anyone who engages in 24/7 D/s relationships who is not simultaneously dealing with mild to serious mental issues. I suspect I’d still have a hard time with my own emotional reaction to the relationship if mental issues were not involved, but I probably wouldn’t openly declare the relationship to be unhealthy.
**Dangerosa ** (post #488) has concisely summed up what I was about to say in response to this, so I won’t add more except to say that I agree with her.