My girlfriend has been underemployed since November. Her current part-time job doesn’t offer insurance.
The other night, she was having a very painful toothache. I asked her how long it had been going on, and she said since October. I looked at her tooth and there is a massive hole in it going all the way down to the root. It actually kinda squicked me out.
She said the filling popped out, but she hasn’t had the money or insurance to go get it fixed. I told her I would call my dentist the next morning and find out if he can offer any sort of assistance.
The dentist said that he’s willing to break the charges down into payments, but she needs to come in now because going for more than a week with a broken tooth can lead to thousands of dollars in problems.
I tell my girlfriend that the dentist is willing to work with her, and said that we’ll find some way or another to make it work… worry about the tooth now and the payments later, I said. She agreed.
I agreed to make an appointment with the dentist, but I got to thinking: she’s a 30-year-old, intelligent, grown woman. Will she make this appointment for herself if I don’t? Where do I draw the line between helping and babying? I care a lot about this girl, and she’s extremely responsible with money, but not her health.
Since you made the initial call to the dentist, I’d go ahead and make the appointment. They’re already dealing with you. If this was a constant thing and you were always having to do this sort of thing for her, you’d probably need to be firmer in your boundaries, but for a one-time situation that she’s probably pretty upset about, it would be a kindness and just part of taking care of each other. It’s okay to baby someone you love if it doesn’t turn into a one-sided, dysfunctional thing. It’s nice to be taken care of once in awhile when you’re feeling like crap.
It’s really hard to say when you’re describing one specific instance of behavior, and different people are bad about different things. If she’s responsible otherwise, it wouldn’t bother me.
My husband is terrible about the doctor and dentist. He’s also very soft-hearted about our pets, so I’ll be the one responsible for any euthanasia/emergency veterinary decisions in the future.
On the other hand, he’s a lot better with money than I am, so I baby him by looking after his health, and he babies me by doing my taxes. Everybody wins and we both play to our strengths, but that might not work for you if you value your independence and want your partner to do the same.
I’d do it for the simple reason that I know of someone in their 30s that had a tooth root abscess and died! because of it. He kept putting off getting it fixed, went to the doctor because he felt feverish and was dead within 24 hours. Not to scare you or anything but I’d be VERY proactive about anything involving teeth.
I think you have to look at whether they do this for themselves and, if not, why not. Too lazy to call a dentist? Helping there may be babying. Too scared? (not uncommon) Then having someone else call may be what it takes to get them there.
A couple of questions before I weigh in . . . You say
. . . so what was her tone when she asked you to make the appointment? I think just based on your phrasing of the question that she may have employed one of those “little girl help me” looks. Hence your concern.
You also note,
Perhaps the way she’s been good with money has required her not being very careful/responsible with her health.
Like the others, I think taking care of someone is a sign of a strong relationship. What makes a relationship work is when, as Vihaga said,
.
However, if it looks like she is abdicating personal responsibility in favour of asking you to be responsible for her . . . there is a problem. I think since it was your dentist with whom you made the initial arrangements, she’s just following the same course.
I was the same way as your friend at 30. Then my teeth were beyond simple (read: inexpensive) repair and my health was impacted. Maybe you could help her learn to take care of herself.
She’s reluctant to go because she doesn’t have the money. She will always sacrifice her health in order to pay her bills on time. She’s been eating ramen (TONS of sodium) and avoiding getting a much-needed medical procedure done (one that would prevent the cancer that killed her mother). I help her out when I can, and she doesn’t abuse it, but I do reaffirm that I can’t and won’t always do it.
The only thing that really aggravates me is that she flat-out refused to work in fast food, regardless of how desperate she is. I suggested she swallow her pride for a month or two and get a job at Chick-Fil-A. They pay their employees very well and offer benefits. She complains that there aren’t any open positions and I counter that she doesn’t know that until she asks. It always ends up with her crying and me irked, so I tend to avoid that conversation.
If it were me I’d make sure the girlfriend makes this message, because this is the language she speaks. I might even ask the dentist to say the same thing to her directly, just to drill home the point. Fear of a $2K dentist bill can be very motivating.
But for lack of other information I don’t think this sounds like a red flag. If she’s never had a tooth emergency before, or had it paid for by dental insurance, then it may not have understood the problems of not getting it taken care of. Meaning it’s ignorance, not irresponsibility. And it doesn’t sound like she was expecting you to “baby” her, her plan was to leave it alone and deal with the pain.
That’s a tough call - at 30, she is indeed a grown-up, and if she doesn’t want to work fast food or look after her health, no one can make her. The options that seem obvious to you are obviously not the ones she wants, and that’s just the way it is. Have your discussions about why she won’t work at a job that you think would solve her problems addressed why she doesn’t want to work there?
I agree with the others that you should consider whether this is a rare or regular type of thing.
She’s probably scared of a few things–the dental work, the money, the unknown prognosis, and who knows what else. Maybe she just needs a push to make it happen. As C3 said, it would be a kindess to help her.
It is a bit of a red flag, but it should be considered in context. Maybe she will always need a little help of this type occasionally. And maybe she needs some encouragement with regard to being more proactive about her health. You just need to decide if you can deal with that.
This may be a good catalyst for discussion about these issues and how they may play out in your future relationship. (Discussion AFTER the tooth is taken care of!)
Try going to a dental school in your area - it’ll greatly reduce the cost, and you’ll get an experienced student who is soon to be an official dentist or hygienist. I get my own teeth done there - an experienced dentist (who is a professor at the school) oversees everything. In fact, they’re much more experienced with serious cases like abscesses and the like because it’s generally a last resort for those who are low income. They may even be better/more recently trained to deal with an abscess than a family dentist, whose biggest concerns are minor fillings and teeth whitening treatments.
That said, I think you are overthinking the whole thing. She needs help and she is your girlfriend. Is this the first time she has ever been less than completely independent? Does she help you sometimes?
Generally, this would be a good suggestion, but if you think she’ll have full dental in a month or two think again. Nearly all *new *dental insurance carries a rider that you can’t get any major work done for the first year.
Dental is a tricky area. Trying to find a dentist who will work with you when you don’t have insurance is humiliating and usually fruitless. You did a good thing for her, getting her set up like that, but I’d wager a lot of money that she wouldn’t have had that kind of luck on her own. It’s not as if there are ‘dental emergency rooms’ you can go to when you have issues, either; you just kinda have to sit with it and hope that it’s not too late by the time you get insurance.
-Been there, Done that
Edit to Add: During my years of having no dental insurance, my issues worsened to the point that by the time I DID have insurance, no one would cover me. The last two dentists have said “It’s too much work, have 10-15 teeth totally removed, let them heal, come back in a year and a half <that long for work and healing> and we’ll see what we can do”.
I don’t think he is overthinking this - this is a bit of a red flag for me, too. At 30, she should be looking after herself. Being willing to deal with painful teeth and not getting medical procedures she needs because she can’t afford it, and not trying to make more money and get insurance is not a real solution.
I’m missing something. How would she have made the appointment if she couldn’t pay for it? You mean you’re not sure if she’d have physically called after you’d already set it up?
She’s your girlfriend. She can be a grown woman one second and a girl the next, as in your OP. You’re allowed to baby her. And not to turn this into a UHC thread, but by god what a shitty situation. With actual UHC you could just be wondering if she was a baby for not wanting to go to the dentist, not worrying about how the hell she was going to pay for it.
To clear up confusion (I hope), she is a grown woman, but sometimes would rather complain about her shitty situation than find out her options. She thinks that she can’t afford dental work, so she won’t even ask. She thinks all the Chick-Fil-A positions are taken, so she won’t inquire. If I ask her about it, she gets upset and defensive and deflects my questions.
Yes, a red flag, but she definitely has redeeming qualities.
Edit: For the past few months, I’ve basically had to manage her job hunt. I gave her suggestions and numbers for government-sponsored workforce centers, edited her résumé several times over, and gave her college and training suggestions. She’s a bright woman, but has zero self-confidence. If I even bring up the subject of employment, she turns into a crying mess.
In my late 20’s I did the same thing re a lost filling and wound up paying a few thousand for a root canal and replacement tooth.
Re it being a red flag or not you’d have to look at the overall pattern of behavior. Does she avoid taking action or try to figure out some way to make things work?
My ex was a world class avoider and a procrastinator re anything that involved focus or more than one step to get accomplished. This behavior can usually be looked past and handled when you are single and you are in the flush or attraction, but when kids come and things HAVE GOT TO BE DONE ON TIME this behavior will drive you absolutely out of your fucking mind and can be dangerous and destructive. 30 and 40 year old “babies” are very difficult to have successful long term relationships with.
but I’d be VERY proactive about anything involving teeth.