Wherein my brother is a bigoted idiot for fun and proft...

The BBQ Pit
21

Or, you could dig up some of the claims that all homophobes are secret, self-hating homosexuals and just drop different similar quotes into the discussion every time he uses the phrase “Gay Tom.”

PETER TATCHELL says new research confirms that most homophobes are self-loathing, repressed homosexuals. or, mildly more scholarly
Is Homophobia Associated with Homosexual Arousal?

You don’t actually have to subscribe to that theory, yourself. You need merely drop it into the conversation at appropriate points.

22

There are a few problems with the idea of blowing off Christmas. I love my dad, and it’s the only holiday I spend with him, now that I’ve stopped doing Thanksgiving with them. I can’t blow him off on Xmas too. We go to Brooklyn, to my uncle’s house, and the words “nigger” and “faggot” get tossed around there on occasion, so it’s not exactly the most supportive environment for me to make a stand.

I also love my brother and there’s more to our relationship than horrendously idiotic and provocative comments wherein he scores points off my liberal sensibilities. I wish I knew why he did it, why he was so angry at me that he had to deliberately bait me in this way. I just don’t understand.

As for Gay Tom, I’ve done Thanksgiving with him a few times. We do hang out a lot. I just want to be with my dad on Xmas. I’m hoping that this year, my boyfriend will come with me to Xmas dinner. Having someone with me who is my ally and has my back will probably make a lot of difference, if just to have someone to turn to and go :rolleyes: with, share a laugh over the stupidity. That alone might make my brother feel like an ass more than any strident argument from me would.

The interesting thing is, his wife is not racist or homophobic. I don’t know how she puts up with his comments, though once she did tell him, in my presence, that he sounded ignorant and she wished he wouldn’t says stuff like that. To no effect.

23

Funny thing is, if he marketed them right, he’d probably get rich.

I was thinking the profit he’s making is in getting me angry. But maybe that’s just fun.

24

Perhaps you should make a practice of offering to give your brother a ride to Harlem where he can expound in public upon his view that said word (I can’t even type it) is “just another word.”

If he declines to go, call him a coward. “The Cowardly Professor.” “Coward Dave” (or whatever his name is).

25

Do you have a relationship with her where you could talk to her one on one about it? Find out, for instance, if he goes out of his way to do this with you because he knows it gets your goat – or, if it’s a regular pattern with him, how she deals with it.

26

How does my SIL put up with it? They fight a lot. Among his many charming virtues is a bad temper. In fact, they may be headed for divorce soon, which is kind of karmic for him, though it’s not something I hope will happen.

I might ask my SIL why she thinks my brother makes incendiary comments around me. Could be interesting.

27

That is awesome. I actually wish I had someone to use it on!

28

Of course he has freedom of speech. And I hope he wasn’t too much of a coward to call Jamaicans “niggers” to their faces while he was there. (I would love to be there to see it, too.)

29

“I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas, if You Know What I Mean”

30

You have zero chance of changing him without support from others. I like the idea of involving the SIL, at least to find out if you have an ally. And I would do it in public. When he spouts, turn to her and say, “How do you put up with this shit?” Or maybe. “Does he say shit like this every day, or just to rile me?”

If she is not supportive of you, drop it. If she is, carry on a conversation with her about how stupid and embarassing he is. Suggest that if he ever gets too bad to tolerate, she has a place with you until she can find a place of her own.

Do they have any kids?

If you can’t bring yourself to do this, shun him. Tell him something like, “I just won’t engage in this crap with you anymore. Until I hear an apology and a promise not to use language like that at family gatherings anymore, we have nothing further to talk about.” Then just pretend as best as you can that he’s not in the room. For life if necessary.

I would suggest a taser, but you might face assault charges. But maybe not in NYC, people there are so fuckin’ rude, a taser is just a small step up. :wink:

31

Rubystreak you’ve been on the SDMB for three plus years now. Surely you’re familiar with the concept of troll. That’s all yer brother is doing, trolling. All he wants to do is to get a rise out of you. It won’t do any good to lose your temper and yell “Damnit blacks and gays are people too!” He doesn’t care about the issue. Hell, he might even agree with you on some level. (Surely he was aware when he bought tickets to Jamaica that there are a lot of black people there.)

There’ve been a number of good ideas here. Frankly I’d just give him a sad superior smile and not say anything. But whatever you do keep your cool, no matter how pissed off you are. If he can’t upset you, he’ll give up.

32

There might be a good amount of truth to this. My mom used to do that same thing to me, years ago. We’d be watching the news, and there’d be a report of, say, a hunt for a rapist, and my mom would say, “Bet it’s a nigger!” And I’d get all outraged and argue with her, and she’d say, “Just wait 'til you’re older, you’ll understand.” Then one day she said something about Jews. I forget what, probably something about the Holocaust. And I thought, “Hold on a damn minute. I know my mom’s not an anti-Semite. My best friends growing up were Jewish, because they were the kids of her friends. Summers, she’d send me to a camp run by the Marin Jewish Community Center. There’s no way she actually meant what she just said!” After that, I stopped taking the bait when she’d say something racist. I’d just smile and nod. And she stopped saying stuff like that. Almost completely. (Her dislike for Philipinos appears to be genuine.) She’d been trolling me the entire time. And I fell for it every time. Until I got a little older, and understood what she was doing. Just like she said.

Moms. :rolleyes:

33

Just out of curiosity, what color are the people in Grand Cayman? (I thought you pretty much had to go to Cuba to find anybody white in the Islands.)

34

Too bad he’s not black. I’m assuming you would’ve mentioned it if he was.

35

This is the issue for me. Regardless of what he’s saying, why is he saying things to you that he knows upset you? Is he just trying to be funny? Or is he pissed at you for some reason?

My only advice is to sit down with him some time when the comments are not being made, and asking to have a serious talk with him. If you could explain to him that those types of comments really upset you, and hurt you, and you’re not just pretending to be upset, maybe he’d agree to stop. You could ask him: You know how much I hate this; why do you do it? Because if you’re doing it because you’re mad at me, please tell me what’s wrong and we’ll work it out. But if you’re doing it just to get a rise out of me, it really, really hurts my feelings. Either way, I’m asking you to stop, as a favor to me, because I find this deeply offensive. I would also tell my other relatives, this has been really bothering me, and I’ve asked Bro to stop, because I find it so upsetting.

Then, if he continues, you know he’s not just doing the garden-variety “bug your sibling,” he is intentionally causing you pain and disrespecting you. At that point, I would start leaving the room each and every time he says it; not making a big deal about it, and not saying anything, just leaving. Even if it’s getting up from the table at Thanksgiving, just get up and go. If he still won’t stop, you have a bigger problem, IMO, than him using the “N” word, which is that he is disregarding your very strong feelings. You’d have to decide how badly you want to spend time with a person who cares so little about you that he intentionally offends you. If it were me, I probably would tell him, you use this language even though I’ve specifically asked you not to; it’s not fun for me to see you anymore. I go home upset and crying because you care too little about me to respect this one request. I’d rather just not see you and remember all the good things, than have our relationship poisoned by knowing that I don’t mean enough to you for you to stop this. And then I wouldn’t see him anymore. I’d make arrangements to see other family separately. And I’d have the exact same conversation with every family member who used that sort of language: Please stop. I’m serious. I really hate this. I’m not kidding. I really really hate it, and I don’t understand why you won’t stop when you know it is very important to me. If you don’t stop, I won’t be able to see you anymore.

I wouldn’t get into any argument about who the term applies to, or free speech, or whatever, because that’s not the issue. Yes, you are free to use whatever hateful offensive speech you choose, but I expect you not to use that language around me because I’m your sister and it makes me sick to hear it and I’ve asked you not to say it. It’s not about language; it’s about respect.

36

I don’t know you or your brother, but I’ve found under a few circumstances that if you come out and say something like, “You hurt me and damage my love for you when you say things like that,” it can work. It really depends on why he’s saying what he’s saying. One of my brothers loves to rile up one of my sisters, and he thinks it’s hilarious when she’s angry. But once she got upset, hurt, and he felt like hell and stopped it for a long time.

My in-laws know that racist remarks hurt and bother me, and they don’t care. But some people are just trying to needle, not pierce.

37

I know I’m going to sound like a heartless bastard, but when people pull this kind of touchy-feely thing on me I find myself just laughing at them.

Admittedly I don’t call coloured folks “Niggers” (nor do I think of them as such), but really, isn’t life too short to get worked up over this sort of thing?

So, your brother calls coloured people “Niggers”. Are you or your partner black? Is any member of your family black? If not, then I’d just let it go and move on with your life. One day he’ll use the term in front of the wrong person and you can remind him of this as you visit him in hospital.

My brother is one of the most homophobic people you’ll ever meet, and I’ve long since realised it’s simply easier to tune out his rants about “Faggots” and how “The Gays” are diluting our Purity of Essence (or something like that), than trying to point out to him that his views on homosexuality are, well, not especially enlightened.

Your results may vary, of course.

38

He’s not going to respond to any kind of argument with anything other then “free speech- why do you hate America??” anyway. If it were me, the moment he said “Gay Tom” or “I hated the island, it was full of niggers” I would loudly laugh a hearty “HAW HAW HAW!” a-la Jack Chick. Over and over and over and over again. At least then I’d get some amusement out of it.

I’d also just stop being around him, period. He’s not the person he used to be, obviously, and continued interaction with him just lowers your liking for him more and more. Find somewhere worthwhile to spend Christmas.

39

You need a sidekick who you can nudge and say “Told ya” and then walk off with, laughing together. Sidekick’s other job should be to hand you ten dollars with an exaggerated groan every time he says “Gay Tom”. Flaring up in his face doesn’t seem to be working, so maybe making him think that you’re laughing at him behind his back will have a better effect.

If you don’t have a sidekick, then just bite your tongue and turn or move away when he makes his comments. It’s not your job to try to teach him how to behave. If he hasn’t learnt by now, it’s by choice rather than lack of opportunity. Don’t feel obligated to stand up for people who aren’t there if it’s going to cost the peace and harmony for those who are. So he’s wrong, he’s an asshole and he says things that are dreadfully racist (or whateverist) and horrible - so what? He’s only making himself look bad and he’s not even listening to what you’re saying so you might as well be arguing with the wall. Why are you even bothering? Do you actually think you can change the way he thinks or acts? Don’t waste your breath on him.

40

I have one sibling, a brother two years younger than me. My brother is a dick. He enjoys pushing people’s buttons. As Larry said, he’s a troll.

I quit interacting with him Christmas 2003. Long story short: he was at my house and started picking a fight with me–went through about 20 topics until he found one we didn’t agree about, and then it was Game On! After trying to disengage several times, I finally had to kick him out of my house. He just wouldn’t stop until I actually told him to get the fuck out of my house.

I think I’ve spoken to him twice since then. This was an old pattern that I got sick of repeating. If we are at the same family event, we pretty much ignore each other. If he starts trolling, I leave the area. I don’t go out of my way to avoid him, but I don’t do anything to keep in contact either. He’s an ass, I don’t need his shit, others can play his game if they want–I’m done.

Sometimes you just have to stop interacting with the person. You can tell him why–once–and then he can change the way he acts around you or do without your presence. It’s his choice.

Hope you find a solution that works for you.