In most cases, you are right. But I personally know of one case where the married woman (okay, I confess, it was me) who was stuck in a nightmare that barely resembled a marriage who decided to have an affair with a single, unattached man who had also been a good friend to her for awhile. Things were pretty bad when EvilHusband found out about the affair, but she knew that the love she had found with The Other Man was worth any pain that The EvilHusband could inflict on her. Ultimately, she left this sham of a marriage and ended up marrying The Other Man. It was the best decision she had ever made in her entire life. She is now married to a man who respects her beyond anything she could have ever imagined, loves her totally and completely unconditionally, and would never dream of raising a fist to her.
I don’t know how it is going to turn out for Kevin. It may work out, it may not. But I’m living proof that sometimes things work out for the best.
I am a simple man, I live by simple rules, some more bendable than others. They fall into two general categories:
FREE STUFF: Never turn down free food, free beer, free money, or free sex. These are all bendable, I don’t take free food when it is nasty, and the like.
RELATIONSHIPS: Never date a woman I work with, or who smokes, or who is in a significant relationship. The first two are bendable, but only one at a time. The third is a rule.
Munch, ya lost me. If you’re saying that people getting married for the wrong reasons is as old as time itself, then I have to agree. Chelsie married someone older than her (about 8 years) because she, at the time, was subconciously looking for a father-type in her life. She’s taken strides towards being her own woman. She’s started to turn away from who she was and going towards who she wants to be. I firmly believe that life is filled with tunnels. We all go through them, and we do so alone, no matter how many people are encouraging us to come through. It’s ultimately a journey that each person has to take by themself. Chelsie’s in that tunnel right now. I believe that with all my heart. All I can do is try to be there when she emerges from it.
I languished for years after my first marriage broke up, and I would have supported the rule that you don’t mess with married women- until I met the future Mrs. Steelerphan, who was in an abusive marriage with another EvilHusband who did not appreciate the gem he had.
The moment she decided to give up on the marriage? When she had to go in to have her ovaries removed due to cancer, and he didn’t bother to show up at the hospital, or allow their son to visit.
I had met her at work prior to this, and when she returned to work she pursued me. I now have a wonderful wife, we’ve been together watching the Steelers for 6 years, and I also have a great step-son, who gets along well with my natural son.
First of all, I want to thank everyone for their responses. Even if I don’t agree with you, your input is valued. If it helps anyone any, just know that, in the event something does go wrong, thinksnow’s friend enough to start laughing and pointing and saying “See? We told you” in person. And to thwip me in the back of the head if needed.
Good luck, Kevin! You’re going to need it plus some. Make sure you have your Superhero dues up to date, you may need those powers. Personally I wish that you’d wait until she actually ends her current relationship. Also hope there’s no lil’uns involved, that would make things even more complicated. You need to do what you believe is best. Just make sure you have your eyes open and keep them open. The heart can play funny tricks on your vision and judgement.
Good luck, be safe!
Aw…thanks, Death. :sniff: I gotta wipe away a tear now. Death cares! It’s just like that episode of Diff’rent Strokes, where Kimberly wants to become a crack whore, and…no, wait. That’s real life, and she DID become a crack whore.
No need to tell you how messy this could get… but might I say… why can she not just leave him… and then become involved with you… Ya’ll were friends first why not stay that way till she is not commiting adultery… this is a bad way to start what could be something wonderful… think about it… and good luck!!
I hope it does turn out well for you, but just remember that until she does officially divorce her husband, you are the evil scum, other half of the affair. Wait until after the divorce to do anything!
(speaking from the point of view of a daughter whose father started cheating on her mother.)
I’ve been quiet on this matter til I worked everything out in my head. Yes, it took that long. Stop looking at me like that.
With no reservations at all, I would like to say “I’m very glad you’re happy, Supe. Congrats, and all that.”
With small, teeny tiny reservations, I would like to say the following… these quotes (the first from the BamaDope thread) raise HUGE red flags for me…
Let me outline this, just from my perspective. And I assure you my Therapist Hat[sup]tm[/sup] is firmly OFF.
You are involved with a married woman. Regardless of the state of her marriage, she is still enjoying the benefits of said union… sharing a home, finances, probably some conjugal trysts. You have none of these benefits, and indeed must add in some costs: she lives a good distance away, there is a limited amount of time you can spend together without her husband getting suspicious (which in and of itself indicates some investment on his part- he may not be happy, but he’d probably rather not have her running around), and of course there’s the automatic attitude people have toward such relationships (illustrated here already). YET, despite all this, she is already making demands on you. Even if she has not explicitly stated such things (though the second quote makes me wonder), there is some reason why you believe she would feel that way. I’ve been emailing you enough to know you as a fairly perceptive individual, and you do not strike me as prone to projecting false attitudes onto people. So let us assume she’s actually verbalized these things. Ummm… yuck!!! She’s having her cake and eating it as well, and you’re left with almost nothing. No normal interactions with friends, OL or IRL, and infrequent clandestine meetings. How does this work out as a good thing?
And this…
That just makes me very, very sad.
It would be nice if things could stay on a level where there is explicit interest on both your parts, but no taking it further until there is at least a separation, preferably a divorce. It appears it’s a mite too late for that, however, so I’ll simply end with this. If indeed she is serious about ending her marriage and goes for a divorce, and her husband (evil or not) finds out about your involvement, there is more to worry about than him showing up on your doorstep with brass knuckles. He can make the divorce exceptionally difficult for her if he can prove adultery- and if there are kids involved, it increases the negative factor exponentially.
But I’m sure you’ve considered all this, and I know you’re a smart guy. So just be careful, 'k?
Actually, that second thought (about me flirting) was me trying to inject some levity into the conversation. She’s never said nor implied anything about it. She has made no demands on me, and I haven’t on her, either.
Hey…it’s me. You know what a careful fellow I am. I can be such a :wally: sometimes.
Supes, I’ve been in a similar situation (having dated an engaged/married woman) and it certainly didn’t work out for the best. That being said, I’m enough of a romantic to think, “What the hell? It’s worth a shot, and could potentially be the best thing that ever happened to you.” You have to take a risk to get the reward.
However, enough people have said it enough in this thread, but it bears repeating: Be careful. Keep your eyes open for warning signs. Be honest with both yourself and her.
But as long as you do those things, I say… go forth and be happy! The best of luck, and may Superchick be everything you’re looking for and more!
Yeah, I tend to have that affect on people sometimes. I’m working on it, I swear!
That’s what I was going for, but with a poorly executed element of levity. All in all from what I’ve read in this thread, you’ve considered all possible consequences/outcomes/possibilities. I also have to take your word that she has also done so. In that event, I have to concur on the side of “do what makes you happy”.
Ok, I usually don’t get involved in these kinds of things, but I’m just curious as to how this and this fit in with your new girlfriend and the desire to flirt less with women on the boards. Yeah, it’s none of my business, but I just thought I’d ask anyway.
Perfectly legitimate question, Shayna. And the only answer I can give you is that I’m weaning myself from it. Actually, she has no problem with me flirting on the boards, as long as that’s all it amounts to. I’m the one actually trying to stop it.
Like I said, it’s really none of my business, but it seems like you’re not only implying, but stating outright, that there’s something more than board flirtation that’s going on between you and Medea’s Child (and frankly waaaaaay more personal information than I really cared to know). But since you put it out there…
So anyway, I hope it all works out, whatever it is you’re doing or not doing.
I don’t know enough about your situation, Superdude, to give you any advice about your current relationship, but I will assert this without any reservations:
Anyone dating a married person who is hiding the affair from his/her spouse, should definitely not post on a public message board “I am having an affair with so-and-so, this is her real name, and this is where she lives.” What were you thinking ?
I’ll second that, and add some. Although it’s probably nothing that’s never been said before.
Be careful about posting personal information about yourself, but especially about others. Partially because that sort of thing can turn around and bite you in the ass, and partially because us moderators don’t like cleaning up after you when you realise this.
