Where's a Tea Partier to move?

Let’s pretend I’m a [del]Teabagger[/del], er enthusiastic member of the Tea Party movement and am now appalled at what Rep. John Campbell (R-Calif.) recently called “the beginning of the end of America.”

(Never mind whether that statement is ludicrous or not.)

Now that the glorious capitalist paradise that was America is now defeated, it’s time to move somewhere else, just as all those god-hating, commie liberals threatened to when Bush II was reelected.

The pinko, gay-love mongering liberals threatened to move to Canada, the socialist hell-hole that it may be.

I need a country where:

[ul]
[li]I get to keep as much of my capital as is humanely possible.[/li][li]Without having to pay for a private army to keep me safe from rapant lawlessness.[/li][li]There is little hint of my ever having to pay to help those wretches who weren’t born into privileged families, or who failed to keep their jobs, or stay healthy, or what have you. I might ok with some very small, token help for poor people. A few orphanages might be ok.[/li][li]Where the government is Christian. And I mean, the Bible is Truth: be Born Again or Else, Christian.[/li][/ul]

Basically, I’m ok with some very modest taxes that would allow me to continue driving 70+ mph on immaculate Interstate Highways, provide for a robust military and very successful schools in the wealthy neighborhood in which I live (as long as the teachers aren’t paid too much), provide for a strong police force so that my privilege and wealth will be unassailable, but little else.

I want none of my taxes to pay for pinko commie liberal crap like art or music.

Where do I move?

Vatican City. But you’ll probably have to either take holy orders or convince the authorities you’re Swiss.

Nowhere?

I believe this came up when Limbaugh started talking about moving to Costa Rica, which he apparently knows nothing about. Pretty much everybody else on the planet except perhaps a few hellholes that fail the other requirements are more left wing than America when it comes to health care and taxes and such. We are extremists.

It’s just like the wealthy and their advocates who whine about how if taxes are raised on the rich, they’ll flee America. Where to? America is the apex of privilege for the wealthy; there’s nowhere for them to go that won’t either tax them far more or has far less to offer in terms of lifestyle and safety.

Looking at Wikipedia, it seems the only places that might fit the bill could be Andorra, Monaco and the British Virgin Islands. But in two of those cases, you’d be surrounded by dirty European socialists, and in the third, sharks.

ETA: well, shoot, I forgot to look at whether the greedy commies had already instituted Stalinist-style collective health schemes, a.k.a. a national healthcare program. Looks like they may not be good options after all. If a Teabagger is attacked by a shark, they certainly don’t want the government to pay for their hospitalization.

I think this criteria wipes out any country for you. It certainly excludes the Vatican :slight_smile:

But, if you modified a bit to, “Where the government is Islamic. And I mean, the Holy Koran is Truth: follow the Prophet or else, Islamic,” you might find some congenial spots, like Saudi Arabia or Iran.

Leave out the Christianity bit, and the closest match I can think of is mainland China. Sure, you have to pay lip service to communism, but as best I can tell, it’s really the rawest capitalism on the planet.

Somalia.

Pretty sure there is no government worth the name there to bother you.

There you can keep all your stuff to yourself…assuming you can stop the locals from killing you for your stuff.

Couldn’t they all just move to Texas, and then execute that state’s constitutional right to secede from the union?

What about Chile? When the price of copper skyrocketed, their government suddenly found itself with a huge surplus. Reading through this wiki page their economy sounds great.

Crap, forget it, even they have socialized medicine. But it does have a public/private system so you could still buy all the health care you can afford. Oddly enough, their private system seems to be doing fine in parallel with the public system, and costs less than health care in the US. (If you’ll excuse me I have several threads in great debates I need to attend to…)

Here is a chart showing a rough comparison of tax rates in various countries. Those with lower rates are Korea, Mexico, New Zealand, Ireland, Japan, Australia, and Iceland.

Of those only Mexico doesn’t have UHC. So maybe Mexico is the answer. I know you said you didn’t want to have your own private army, but from what I understand for the cost of a small bribe you can be protected by the national army (just kidding Mexicans). They even have private school systems. And if the pinko-commie-liberals mess around with immigration laws, Mexico will have few Mexicans than Texas. Over 82% are Christian. Seems pretty good to me.

HOORAY!

Brilliant!

We lose the Tea Party, Rush and Texas, all in one swoop!

No downside!

The Principality of Sealand.

Make the Bates family an offer, you might still be able to buy it from them.

There’s a bit of difference between humanely and humanly. :slight_smile:

Closer to a voting station.

I thought about this last night: what are the most developed countries now without UHC? I think it’s just Turkey, Namibia and South Africa, although from what I understand SA is trying to devise plans for UHC. South Africa, particularly among some hardcore old-school Bible-thumping Afrikaaners, would be a great place for a teabagger.

Mexico now has gay marriage in D.F.

Like you said, Chile has UHC. They also have had a string of left wing presidents up until the recent election. Latin America has been going further and further left, so they are probably out. If anything, they were teabagger utopias (military dictatorships in league with international corporations, hatred of left wing views, everything privatized) back in the 80s, but not now.
My guess is Uganda. But like Der Trihs said, there are very few developed, wealthy countries w/o rampant lawlessness that also subscribe to Friedman style economics and theocracy. You have to move to a 3rd world dictatorship to see teabag utopia.

All the decent countries are even more left wing, secular and socialized than the US.

Hong Kong might actually come pretty close to your requirements. Its income tax is very low compared to other developed countries, and there is no tax on capital gain. It has socialized medicine, but the public system is now starting to struggle due to the large aging population and an extremely low birth rate, and its future is uncertain. If you have the money, however, you are free to use the private system and completely ignore the public system. It is a very safe city with low crime rate, and you can get top notch education for your brats if you can afford one of the very expensive international schools. It might even come close to your Christianity requirement. The Evangelical/Fundie flavour of Christianity seems to be taking hold amongst the elites in the city, and a disturbing number of senior government officials are born-again Christians.

'Cause that worked so well for you last time. But hey, good luck in 2012.

You’ll need it.

Oh the terror of typos.

Hong Kong does seem attractive as a capitalist paradise, but it has some serious downsides: it’s a secular government, has ties to commie China (not to mention some serious issues with pollution and crowding), and has universal health care. So maybe that’s not going to work, either.

As for voting in America, as per Magiver’s one-line suggestion, there’s one serious problem: sometimes the lefty commie nazi liberals win. Clearly not good enough. Perhaps you could arrange it so that only people loyal to Tea Party philosophy are allowed to vote. But then, would that still be “America” as the Teabaggers know it? It seems the conundrum is that America as it is allows for the possibility that pinko Godless elitists win from time to time. Unacceptable.

We’ve got to think harder. SURELY there’s somewhere, some land somewhere, that can be a Teabagger’s expat paradise. How about some of those small island nations in the Pacific?