threemae wrote:
Q: How many Columbine High School students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifteen. One to change it, and fourteen to pile one on top of the other so the guy changing it can climb on top of their rotting bullet-riddled corpses and reach the socket.
Have a nice day. 
Good news! The meteor’s on the way.
Slated to impact at 1 second past midnight on January 1st. 2000 A.D.
You read it here first.
If you can’t laugh at yourself,
make fun of other people.
Isn’t it obvious that THE FUCKING HORN DOGG is a joke, most likely the alias of a poster we all know and love ( or hate? )
Oh and threemae, tracer; I have Something to share with you. I was home on the day of the Columbine incident. I watched it unfold on CNN. At one point, they were asking for people who were there to call the newsroom with any information they could provide. A caller was put on the air who said something like: " Now we don’t have all the details yet, but apparently the gunman is Howard Stern. He is angry that no one is watching his tv show. . . " And they cut him off. A somewhat embarressed anchorman said, " Apparently that was not an eyewitness. . . "
I didn’t it was funny at all. And I don’t think your joke is funny either, tracer.
Threemae and #00—
Now use your cursor and scroll up. You will notice that this fuckin' part of the SDMB is called "BBQ Pit". (using best Mr. Roger's voice) "Can you say that, boys and girls, BBQ Pit?" *It means, if you have thin skins and easily offended personalities, stay the fuck out of this site, and chase your clouds and rainbows somewhere else."*
Tracer--- ROTFLMAO!!! Got any more?
“…send lawyers, guns, and money…”
Warren ZevonI don’t know about anyone else, #00, but I love the Howard Stern prank calls during disasters. Here are some reasons why:
They help break up the tension of the situation, not to mention the monotony of hearing the same stuff over and over again.
They point out the desperate idiots that thrive in American media. These prank callers get on the air by posing as cops, air traffic controllers, disaster officials, etc., and they get on the air without being verified! The people behind the scenes deserve to fall for things like that if they don’t have the journalistic integrity to at least try to verify a freaking source.
Hi, Opal.
They give free advertising to Howard Stern.
That last one was a joke, BTW. I only mention this because I’m sure someone would have taken it seriously otherwise.
Of course not. It was meant to be confrontational, not necessarily funny. It was the equivalent of saying “penis” after somebody tells you “Don’t say ‘penis’ in this house!”
I never said I was terribly offended, I just do not think it shows the best taste although the BBQ pit does seem a bit more appropriate than, for instance, General Questions. At least Tracer’s “joke” had a point which he later mentioned, but just suggesting that you go blow up a building I find rather tasteless.
There is no safety for honest men but by believing all possible evil of evil men.
–Edmund Burke
Penis.
damn…I wanted to say penis first.
penis, penis, penis
virginia
Yes, Vagina, there is a Santa Claus.
No, wait…
Blow it out your ass, Threemae!
As for asteroids (assteroids?HUh-HUH-HUH!He said ass! HUH-HUh-Huh!), try a flame thrower, instead.
After all, you work with a bunch of weenies, & everybody loves a weenie roast!
We have met the enemy, and He is Us.–Walt Kelly
Trumpy303: I’m working on it! I’m working on it!
You can’t rush these things. It’s not like I pick these up at the home renovation centre.
Oh, Konnie, you are SO macho! I don’t even know where a home renovation center IS - do you suppose you could fix my stopped up plumbing? I HAVE a screwdriver!
The woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best. - Henry Van Dyke
Trumpy: for sheer gut-splattering satisfaction, go to the nearest Wal-Mart and buy a decent sized set of bolt-cutters. Then head to the nearest Army base (the Reserve will do, if they have M-1 series tanks).
Climb on top of the tank’s turret, and cut the piddling series-200 lock securing the loader’s hatch. Discard lock pieces.
Climb into the turret and close the loader’s hatch, securing the locking lever. This is called being “combat-locked”. Look at it for a second, I’m sure you’ll figure it out.
Put your back to the main gun. It’s the big-assed piece of metal about the size of a Volkswagen in the middle of the turret, you can’t miss it, even if you are blind. Just stick your hand out. Feel that? That’s the main gun.
On the left hand side of the seat itself is a small lever; push it in to adjust your backrest to a comfortable driving position. Pull the headrest down, it’s on the “roof” of the driver’s compartment. Turn the knob on the head rest to adjust it.
All comfy?
Now: there are two panels, one each on your left and on your right. {Tank manual bit snipped}
On the left-hand panel is a fuel gauge and a three-position tank selector switch with “Rear”, “Left” and “Right” marked on it; turn the switch to each position and check the fuel gauge at each stop. It’ll probably read 3/4 to Full at each one. If not, get out and pick another tank.
On the far left side of the left-hand panel is a vertical row of about a dozen small yellow lights; some of them will be lit. Don’t worry about them, just hit the “Reset” button at the bottom of the lights.
Look back over to the right-hand panel; just right of center is a button labeled “Push To Start”. Push and hold for about 3-5 seconds, and release. The engine will begin spooling up; if nothing happens, you got a broke-dick tank. Get out and choose another you dumb-ass.
In about 30 seconds, the tank will be started, and most of the little yellow lights on the left-hand panel will go away. The only one you really have to worry about is the one that says “Engine Oil Low”, but don’t worry. If the engine gets too low on oil, it’ll shut itself off automatically. In that sense, a tank is smarter than most people, but less so than a good mule.
Looking up, you’ll see three vision-blocks. These are how you see to drive. One is pointed forward, one is 45* to the left, the last is 45* to the right. Your field-of-view isn’t all that great, but for your purposes they’ll suffice.
{More stuff snipped}
Keeping pressure on the brake pedal, grasp the knob and pull it out slighty, then slide it right to the “D” position. You’ll hear a loud “CLUNK” and the engine noise will change.
Grasp the two handgrips (your throttles) and let off the brake. The Tank should slowly start to roll forward. If not, re-check the parking brake to ensure that it is fully released.
If the tank still doesn’t move, slowly twist the throttle(s) until it does begin to move. If the tank feels like it’s trying to move, but can’t, that’s because I forgot to tell you about the blocks under the treads. HA HA! Similar in design and function to the blocks put under an aircraft’s tires, these are no serious impediment.
Release the throttle(s) and let the engine idle back down, press the brake and slide the litle knob over to “LO”; release the brake and twist the throttle(s) to the stops. Be warned, when you finally start to move, it’ll be slightly up, and then forward very rapidly, with a feeling like you’re going over a long series of speedbumps (which, essentially, you are).
Bumpity-Bumpity-Bumpity-Bumpity-Bump!
Okay! You’re moving! There might be something in front of you; possibly another tank or armored vehicle, or a soldier or two. If it’s a tank, turn. You turn by push-pulling the throttle(s). Pull the right grip towards you while pushing the left grip away from you to turn right. Do just the opposite to turn left. I guess I could have told you that before you ran into the tank in front of you. Oh, you can also let off the throttles now that you’re over the chock-blocks; otherwise you’re probably doing 40 to 50 mph. Helpful hint: the slower you’re going, the tighter you can turn.
Great! Now you’re ready to seriously get down to the Revenge business. Exit the track park the same way you came in, disregarding minor obstacles like pedestrians, wheeled vehicles and buildings; the people will get out of your way (and if they don’t, well, it’s not like you’re hurting the tank now, is it?) and the vehicles and building don’t feel a thing. Trust me.
Set course for your place of business or work. Don’t let things like traffic lights or traffic distract you or slow you from your quest! Stay focused here! Give it all the throttle you want! You’ve 1,500 horseys to play with, so live it up for once!
Just don’t try to turn too quickly while going very fast, or your track is likely to part company with the tank, and that’s Game Over.
Remember: Mass + Velocity + Angle-of-Impact = Right-of-Way.
And the pay raise nobody got this year?
Did you happen to notice the brand new Corvette in the boss’ parking space?
<FONT COLOR=“GREEN”>ExTank</FONT>
<FONT COLOR=“BLUE”>“WEEEHHHAAAWWW!!! We’re havin’ fun now, ain’t we kids?”</FONT>
[Note: This message has been edited by Lynn Bodoni]
I’m sort of torn about this last post. One the one hand, it’s interesting, but on the other hand, I certainly don’t want to endorse this sort of behavior.
SO, kiddies, let’s play safe out there. Please do not take any tank unless you have explicit permission to do so.
Lynn/SDStaff Lynn
For the Straight Dope
News report: Youthful hooligans steal tank, drive across rush hour traffic, killing and injuring thousands.
Follow up: FBI beginning search for user with screen name Ex-Tank
Further follow-up: SDMB shut down…
Yeah, Lynn, I see your point! 
As much as I enjoyed ExTank’s post, and admire his expertise, I agree with Lynn about being a little worried, unless ExTank let out a few vital points. While most of the SDMBers are mature, somewhat sane, adults, we occasionally have some adolescent, irresponsible riff-raff pass through that might get the wrong idea. Maybe Lynn should cut a little bit of the text out? (Wait, let me print it out first!)
Whatever you do, don’t let this get mixed up with the Margaret Dole thread!
The woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best. - Henry Van Dyke
No, everything is there, I left nothing out.
However, it is a touch more complicated and demanding than I made it seem.
Sort of like saying model building is easy; just buy a model, take the pieces off the trees, glue them together, put some paint on it and !presto! You’ve built a model.
While it is true that you have certainly built a model, it most likely doesn’t have anything more than a vague resemblance to the professionaly assembled piece shown on the front of the box.
Besides, there’s people out there giving away explosive formulas and bomb-making instructions; my tank-driving advice is hardly more dangerous.
<FONT COLOR=“GREEN”>ExTank</FONT>
<FONT COLOR=“BLUE”>"…and 'ware the Tank, for doth it ever rumble hither and yon."</FONT>
That’s true, ExTank, but I’m not so much concerned about the availibility of the info as I am its location.
Can you imagine? A couple of teenage boys with a grudge steal a tank and drive it through the high school cafeteria at lunch time, and tell the media they learned how to do it on the SDMB? ::shudder::
I know they deleted the bomb-making instructions in another Forum - maybe GQ?
It’s sure a hard call to make - I don’t like the idea of censoring posts, but also don’t want the SDMB to be blamed for anything bad that happens!
But then again, if I ever need to drive a tank, I know where to find the info . . .
Hmmm. I even know where some tanks are located. How well do they perform on the highway?
The woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best. - Henry Van Dyke