Surely there’s a book with all the answers to life’s little (and big) questions–where is it? . Cuz I’m totally stumped. I get all kinds of answers but none of them feels right. 
Check your local library. Look in the Reference section.
Dewey Decimal numbers -1[sup]½[/sup]
In the same place where they keep the “raising perfect children without any problems” books. I’m still looking.
I would settle for a users manual. 
I had it. Unfortunately I was taking it with me a couple of week ago to a seminar, and by the time I got there and sat down I noticed it was gone. Gone! I was mortified. Horrified. I was, in fact, fied in all manner of ways. I searched and searched, and even tried to remember if I’d read anything in the book itself about where it might be if lost on the way to a seminar, but nothing was forthcoming. It is simply gone, and I’m very, very sorry.
However, I read the book cover to cover several times, so if you have any questions please feel free to ask them of me and I will see if I can remember the answer from what I remember of the book.
Go on, ask!
I ate it.
All my life I’ve had the nagging feeling that everyone else got the rulebook but me. 
The publisher 86’d it.
Inigo, Maureen, the answer to nearly every question is in Miss Manners’ body of work. My favorites:
Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior
Miss Manners’ Guide to the Turn of the Millenium
and specially for Maureen: Miss Manners’ Guide to Rearing Perfect Children.
I had a copy. Once, in 1960, for…
runs away, pursued by flying objects from the crowd
Ahem.
It doesn’t have the answers to all life’s questions, just the odd-numbered ones.
That was what was handed out on that day in grade school when you were absent.
Yeah, I sure could use that book right now. Especially the answer to #83.)What the am I gonna do now?
Hopefully it’s not the version that has the thing about handshakes and women, that’s been proven to be outdated…
Ironically, the question, “Where is this book?” is an even numbered problem, so even if you found the book, you still couldn’t find it. Er, I mean, um…
Oh yeah? What about 42?
I can get by on my own scraps of useless wisdom for most circumstances, but when I get really perplexed, what I need to know is:
Who wrote the book of Love?
Yeesh, I know how that feels.
We should get some kind of speech-to-text translator, and get Cecil to recount his knowledge into it. Sure it’ll take years, but it would be worth it.