Dear fuckwit callers,
Are you Cher? Or Madonna? No? Then when I ask for your name, say your first and last fucking name. And when I ask you for your address because I’m sending you something in the mail, I need your entire fucking address.
No, I’m not letting your group into the activities area until the leader of your group has checked in and paid. Yes, you WERE told that you had to check in and pay across the street first-it’s told when you sign up, it’s in the paper work we sent, and when we confirm your visit. It’s not my fault you’re stupid.
No, I don’t care if “by the time we come in, we’ll be leaving!” By all means, go ahead and write a complaint and put it in the comments box. It’s not going to change.
No, they did not let you in last time, especially if you come every month. You should know the rules by then.
Yes, I have to tell the kids the rules. I don’t care if they’re “good kids”. I still have to do it. And even if they’re angels from above, they might not think of things like no gum chewing, or no food outside the designated areas.
And yes, go ahead and call and complain about me. I’m sure I’ll be in lots of trouble for doing my job properly.
And no, I don’t really care if you’re angry. It’s no skin off my ass.
If you have a sidewalk in front of your house, keep it passable. Yeah, you, Mr Lives-on-Camino-Cabra-and-it-looks-like-your-gravel-driveway-vomited. Five minutes with a broom once a week, is that too much to fucking ask? Hey, what’s this here in the city legal code?
See that last bit? About pedestrians? You know, people who aren’t toodling around in their motherfucking Land Rover? Who may slip on your fucking idiotic nice-round-smooth pebble gravel and scrape their hand up?
And it’s not a one-time thing; I started to explain to a friend what happened and she instantly knew what house I was talking about. Get a broom, jackass.
I pit the motherfuckers that decided funeral home music would be ideal to play in the background at Perkins this morning. Seriously, organ and string music playing solemnly in the background really doesn’t seem appropriate while people are downing pancakes and waffles.
Don’t fucking drive like you’re the only goddam person on the road. Yeah, the light up ahead is red, and you’re going straight, but some of us are trying to make it into the left lane to turn. If you slow down to 5MPH when you’re still 200 yds out, we’re going to miss the next turn cycle in that lane.
That always pisses the hell out of me.
To all the British Media: Shut the fuck up about Madeleine McCann! Yes it’s very upsetting for the parents, and I hope that she is found safe, though I doubt it. However the dissaperance of one girl, in a foreign country, is not worth top Home News billing for over 3 weeks.
Slightly less vitriol towards the parents, but stop milking it. Shut up, let the police try to do their jobs and stop with the gimmicks.
Motorbikes - I know that they don’t have to be THAT loud, from the occasional one that isn’t. I wish to pit every single person in Calgary who drives a loud bike. You are one of my constant summer peeves.
Loud trucks and cars - you, too. I’m sorry your parents didn’t give you enough attention as kids (not really), and I guess you’re trying to make up for it by driving the loudest vehicle you can find, but I don’t see why my quiet enjoyment of my yard should be degraded by your blatting vehicles driving by.
Squeaking shoes for toddlers. Seriously? You have to make toddlers even more annoying? They’re not doing it well enough on their own?
My cat - I play with you when it’s convenient FOR ME. I pay the bills for the house you lounge in, and buy the food you eat - you don’t get to decide when I play with you. (Yeah, I know, I’ll never win this one.)
Fuck ticks. Sideways. With a lawnmower blade. I caught one of those little bastards running across my boob the other morning (at 6:30, no less!) and today I found one ATTACHED very close to a place No Tick Should Go. Stay the HELL off me or I’m blowtorching the back yard.
Fine, you’re going to smoke at the bus stop-that’s your business. But please, for the love of GOD, at least stamp out the butt when you toss it on the ground. And for FUCK’S sake, do NOT toss it randomly around you. If one of them touches me, I’m gonna go fucking apeshit.
And even more-do NOT spit all over the place. Yes, you appologized when you nearly spat on me. You know what’s better? NOT FUCKING DOING IT IN THE FIRST FUCKING PLACE!!!
:mad:
I think you’re tragically, tragically confused about the nature of feline-human relationships. I’ve never owned my own cat but I have pet-sit for several, and the relationship works this way: You work and earn money. You then spend this money on, amongst other things, cat food and kitty litter and little cat jungle-gyms and catnip and toy mice on springs and whatnot. These are peace offerings in much the way that human sacrifices were offerings to the Inca gods. If your sacrifices are sufficient and the planets align properly, then you may find yourself blessed with feline affection. This is a blessing and must be treated as such, or you risk the wrath of the Almighty Kitten Overlords (they lure you into a sense of false trust with their cute fluffiness. Then they claw your eyes out),
Conversely, I’d like to pit the fuckwits that get into the turning lane a half a mile back. Other people may want to use that lane to turn before the light, and if you are using it as your own personal traffic-free lane, you impede them. You are stupid.
Quit watering the sidewalks, you fucking idiots. First of all, we’re in the middle of a drought, so I’m not sure you should be watering anything. (We’re not talking about fields of wheat to feed the world’s teeming millions; we’re talking about lawns.) Second, even if we weren’t in a drought, I don’t think watering the sidewalk is a particularly productive thing to do. It’s not like you’re going to grow a road that way, or even a bike path. And I don’t want to be watered. It doesn’t make me grow up tall and strong with lots of lush foliage; it just makes me have to walk out into the road or cross the street. And then I get cranky, and wish I had the magic superpower of being able to snap my fingers and permanently destroy automatic sprinkler systems.
It’s too early for me to come up with a good rant, but I just wanted to thank you for this little nugget. It went very well with my coffee this morning. May I take it for my sig?
Alright…here is my mini-rants…errr…not so mini…
1.) Fuck you, former Big Boss of mine. I worked for you a year ago, and I’m not concerned about it now. Of course, when you begged the manager to come back, she did. She ran the whole damn place (and was my direct boss) and when she came back she mentioned to one of the old employees that she missed working with me. You told her you needed night shift again, she called me because I was damn good at the job. I declined, but fuck your crack-whore ass for telling her it was okay because you had to fire me since I was a drunk. Fuck you even more for telling that to my new GM, at my new job, which I know he didn’t believe because he has discussed this with me, but fuck you are a bitch…
2.) Fuck you, coworker. I know there are certain things I do at night because I usually have more time to get work done. Way to take advantage of it. I was more than a little angry when I got there last night and you had done nothing, and way to tell me it was because you were so angry. You had worked a double? Oh, that is right, never-mind - it is because I was supposed to work that evening, but you bitched and moaned about having to work in the morning, then again 3rd shift, only getting 8 hours to go home in-between. I did your fucking work, but I made it a point to get my own done as well.
3.) Fuck you again coworker. I am still pissed that you took advantage of work like you did. Yes, I was new, and yes, I was being trained. My trainer called in sick and you came in to “help out if you could.” Apparently, helping out to you meant leaving me alone to go to sleep in a fucking room for free and not coming out again. Yeah, the GM knows about this, and he didn’t pay you. Fuck you for claiming that I “ratted you out” - you fucking old drunk cunt. Especially because it isn’t that I ratted you out, it was that you were sleeping when the GM stopped to see how I was doing, answered my three questions, and left because he said I was doing good and didn’t need another person there, that you didn’t even need to have come out. Of course, when we called you or tried to wake you up, it didn’t happen and you had to bitch about it later. Fucking bitch.
4.) Fuck you, customer. I know that we are expensive, and that is for a reason. Local people don’t pay 100+ to stay overnight when they can get a room at 60 down the road. It stops us from getting the high school party kids who trash rooms. Our corporate office suggested it, then required us to stay at that price for most purposes, so it is nice, but not our choice completely. You said the room above you was loud, but before anything else happened, it stopped (I had on chance to call, you had barely hung up)…I get that part. Apparently, while I am on the cordless phone about 100 yards from your room, you call and say that “Now it is the room beside me, they are slamming doors in the hall and screaming.” By the time you got off the phone with me, I was standing outside the rooms you were complaining about. There was no noise. I did tell those kids to be quiet, but eh, did you have to walk down and cuss at me because the air conditioner in your room is too loud? I walked to your fucking room, it was no louder than any other, and a lot quieter than the ones in my house, but you said that it was too much for you and demanded your money back. You can’t stay in a fucking hotel until 6am and get a complete refund because the AC is too loud…fuck ass…you should have brought it up at 6pm yesterday when you showed up
5.)Fuck you, customer #2. One of my jobs is to put out food for the morning before the morning worker gets there. I start at 4am. You came down at 4:25 and asked for breakfast. It starts at 6. I offered you some fruit and coffee or juice. That is what I had out so far. I was fucking cooking the rest. Also, I know that reading is hard, but a shut door that says “Employees Only” is not that hard to understand. Do not walk into that room. I was in there cooking food for the morning when you wandered in, not to ask me for something else, but to look at what was going to be put out so you could know what you wanted. Worse, you asked me for yogurt. I don’t care that you want yogurt, but when I tell you “Sorry, we’re out and should have got more this morning, but it is a holiday so the stuff comes tomorrow” - don’t fucking walk over and open our refrigerator anyways, as if I was lying. I have no reason to lie to you, and if I had yogurt I would fucking give it to you. Thanks for picking up a Pepsi out of the refrigerator, opening it, and taking a drink while standing there. Those were mine, damnit. I brought them from my home to drink while I was at work. You probably should get out of here, you fuck, and go back to your room. Or wherever. Don’t stand in an employee area and steal fucking drinks, you douche-face…
I do enjoy this job though…just saying…
Brendon Small
Gah, stop fucking recalling the few brands of contact lens solution I like! First you came for my Renu, now you’ve come for my Complete. I should get a job with the FDA - if it’s one of the painfully few solutions that doesn’t cause my eyes to burn every morning, recall it because it’ll cause some death fungus or whatever.
And I just bought a new bottle!
Fuck you work for giving me a gift card to Best Buy as a BONUS, and fuck you Best Buy for not having anything worth buying (other than a Wii, which you NEVER have in stock).
Gawd Freeeaking DAMMIT ON A STICK WITH HELL FRIES!!!
The BIKE LANE is for BIKES! It is not ‘the-extra-sidewalk’, it is not 'the-magic-path-to-my-car where-my-virgin-feet-need-not-touch-agregate-concrete! It is not the 'meander-with-your-buddies-for-blocks-at-a-time-‘cause-you’re-too-cool-for-the-sidewalk’, it is not the ‘place-to-stand-and-stare-down-the-road-for-a-bus-for-hours-on-end’, it is not the ‘place-to-turn-around,-stop,-and-squeal-with-your-friends-about-how-you-started-crossing-the-street-on-a-yellow-light-and-ended-up-in-front-of-cars-when-their-light-turned-green-what-a-fucking-surprise’, it is not ‘free parking’, it is not a ‘magic-extra-lane-that-might,-just-might-get-big-enough-for-my-BMW-so-I can-pass-these-peasants-in-their-Toyotas-so-I-will-put-my-car-in-it-just-in-case’, IT IS A BIKE LANE!
As for the other biker I saw today in that lane…fuck you, the arrow shows which way you are supposed to be going, shitblender. You probably ride that way because your momma told you to and she’s trying for a retroactive abortion since you are a drain on her meth habit.
And for you drivers, please learn where the FUCK the left side of your car is.
I have a new favorite swear and this is it.
I’m glad I could brighten someone’s day. Or at least get a little coffee on it. 
You’re more than welcome to it.
This sounds like my work. The first year I was here I got two $50 gift certificates for The Bay. I never shop at The Bay – though to be fair they are good at all Hudson’s Bay Company store, which includes Zellers, which I do frequent. They’ve since revised their Christmas bonus structure though, so this year I get a $300 cheque, instead. 
It’s taxed, though. 
What the hell is with the current craze for echinacea (coneflowers) in flower catalogues? If you’re doing a wildflower/native plants garden that’s one thing, but as cultivated flowers, coneflowers are just butt-ugly.
I sympathize with gardeners in the drought- and fire-ridden southwest who are desperate to have something they can plant that will look like a garden, but that’s not an adequate reason to make the rest of us sit through pages and pages of pictures of coneflowers. And no, developing varieties with scent or double petals or unusual colors doesn’t make it okay.