Where's the motherfucking minirants you sumbitches? Seriously.

The BBQ Pit
141

Oh, you annual bastards. Every year when we get our streets cleaned (which they desperately need, all covered in gravel from the winter), there are the absolute assholes who won’t move their cars that day. My especial ire is reserved for the visiting assholes who come from other parts and park up my street in spite of the huge signs saying NO GODDAMN PARKING FROM 7:00 AM TO 4:00 PM FOR GODDAMN STREET CLEANING, YOU ASSHOLES. Every year, someone parks in front of my house, and my little bit of street doesn’t get cleaned. Then I go out with a broom and sweep all the gravel and crap down the storm grate, because I want the street where we park clean too, dammit.

Actually, I just went out and looked at my street, and you wouldn’t even know cleaners were coming today, there are so many cars still parked on it. What the hell is the matter with people? Most of those people have garages, and everybody has a back alley.

I just talked to a city guy about towing the cars; he says they can’t tow them unless a resident calls 311 (city information) to get them towed, and I called city 311 to get them towed already, and the city says they can’t tow them, the foreman from the cleaning crew has to make the decision and call for tows. That Catch-22, that’s some catch.

Okay, went and swept the gravel out from under the car parked in front of my house. I’d be sweeping it tomorrow anyway, but this way I hopefully don’t have to sweep as far. The cleaning machine will go around the vehicles and pick up what I swept out from under it. Got a good work-out, too.

142

That’s a really weird coincidence.

Three weeks ago I found the following title while doing some…uh… Internet research for…um… a project.

" Gravel Sweeping Slutty Moms, Volume 6".

Now my collection is complete.

:smiley:

( ducks and runs )

cowgirl, where is this hangover bank? I’m familiar with the Bank of Hanover. Is it like that?

143

Can someone explain to me why 9:10 PM is a great time to mow your lawn? Anyone? Anyone?

The asshole renters next to me must’ve gotten a notice from the city to mow their fucking lawn because apparently, it just HAD to be done last night at 9:10 PM.

I hate these fuckers. I swear to God, they’re running a meth lab or something. They never seem to go to work. The ‘dad’ is always on the front porch on his cell phone (because we’re city houses, I can hear him in my bedroom. Let me tell you, I LOVE hearing cell phone conversations at 11 PM on a Sunday night through my (closed) window.). They are extremely unfriendly (although I’ve grown a lot less friendly as well, thanks to the fact that they are ASSHOLES!).

I hate them. I wish they would get evicted.

144

And they went and moved their car before the sweepers came. But the sweepers were right around the corner when I was ranting! I swear! I’m going to go sit on my front lawn and chase any other parkers away.

(Teach me to pre-emptively rant. Bah. My rant about every other year and all the other residents’ cars still stands, though.)

9:10 pm is a great time to mow your lawn because it’s not as hot. It’s a little bit dickish, mind you, because everyone else is trying to have a quiet evening at that point.

145

As featherlou mentioned, the only good reason I can think of it is it’s cooler out. Still an asshole play, though. Ditto for the people who want to mow their lawn at 7:15AM on a Saturday, “before it gets too hot out.” :mad:

146

Corporate E-Mails

Please do not put “ACTION” in the subject line, you stupid fucking project manager. Because you learned it in your MBA night class, it doesn’t mean we’re going to look at your request any differently.

Please do not get creative with your signature on e-mails, Steven B. Jones.

/sbj
//steve
–steve
-Steve
–Steve
Steve-
steve
steve j.
SBJ
: : ::Steve:: : :

You know what, if you can’t just sign your name “Steve,” don’t fucking bother.

147

  1. Hey, you skanky bitch. You’re evidently very conscientious about your fitness regimen, having bicycled vigorously, then come to the pool to swim. How about applying some of that concentration to common courtesy, instead of leaving your nasty sweaty drawers and other gear in an unlocked locker, which was open to being assigned to another person, such as me.

  2. Darling husband, I love you in so many ways. Yet I am mystified by one thing. Your hair is not only stick straight, but about one inch long. Why then, do you pass up the all-purpose shampoo in the shower, and instead seek out my special curl-enhancing shampoo, thereby costing us more money and also throwing my shampoo/conditioner ratio out of balance?

148

It’s extremely dickish in our neighborhood because our houses are about ten feet apart. I may be oversensitive with these people because of the number of times the lead asshole’s cell phone conversations have kept me awake, but no one else in our neighborhood seems to have a problem mowing their lawn at normal hours, and most everyone else works.

I have such nice neighbors, other than these dickweeds.

149

Greenville drivers, you have officially lost all horn privileges. Do you see the stoplight up there? Notice how there is no green arrow? Notice how there are cars coming in the other direction? That means that the left turn lane DOES NOT HAVE RIGHT OF WAY. I am not going to pull out in traffic and get hit just so you can get to whereverthefuckitis you’re going a tenth of a second earlier. When you are the owner of the car I am driving, then you can judge the safety of the turn for me. Until then, got to hell.

Twice today. TWICE. What the fuck’s going on?

150

If you’re the person in front of me at the light just outside my work, the honking means “move forward, yes, I know, you’re already a foot away from the oncoming traffic, but if you don’t move even closer, the machine’s never gonna catch that there’s a car there and we’ll never get a left turn arrow.”

Only you’re in Greenville, so you can’t be those people.

ETA: most of the time those people “take the hint” and turn left on red, thinking I want them to. 30 seconds later of course it turns green, as they have tripped the sensors. I’m seriously thinking about creating a cardboard sign to hold up that says “inch forward. you need to trip the sensor.”

151

No, the honking in this case meant “Go ahead and turn into the line of 5434 cars coming in the other direction! You can dodge in between them with your 1991 Ford Landboat!”

152

Now here’s a surprising subject for y’all: Fuck you, President Bush.

With that out of the way, here’s why:

For scheduling your golf party with Pooty-Poot at your Poppy’s place in Kennebunkport on the very same fucking weekend as the annual Sanford Airport Air Show and Open House. Or maybe you didn’t know about a minor detail about security, implemented since you spent 9/11 staring blankly into a camera, called Temporary Flight Restrictions? As in, there’s a fucking no-fly zone permanently centered over your useless ass just because you’re still the President. As long as you hold still, that’s barely okay, since it’s only 1 nautical mile in diameter. But what’s that? You need to get your useless ass, and Pooty-Poot’s soul you’ve looked into, to Kennebunkport in the first place, don’t you? Then the TFR is 30 NM in radius, and includes Sanford, doesn’t it? And that’s going to be on Sunday, July 1, right at the time the airshow performers are scheduled to operate, right? And you’re planning on having that fucking Marine One stand by right at fucking Sanford, aren’t you?

Too many good friends of mine have put too much work into getting this event going, including a lot of commitments that are going to be very hard to reschedule this late in the game. But they’re doing it anyway, just so you can show Pooty-Poot (and Poppy too) that you’re just as tough and leaderlike as *they * are, dammit! Cocksucker.

And you’ll probably reschedule this shit just a day before and reopen the airspace that day anyway, won’t you?

We’ll just have to take it out on Susan Collins next Election Day instead, I guess. Well, not me, I don’t live in Maine anyway. It sure isn’t going to the GOP Presidential candidate anyway.

Did I say “Fuck you” yet? I did? Okay, no harm in saying it again.

153

Sorry, I should have said in my earlier post that it’s the reason people probably use to mow at 9:15 pm, not that I support their thinking. I think the noise bylaws in Calgary don’t kick in until 10:00 pm, but I’m still not going to go mow at 9:15 pm because I have a clue about how to live amongst other people.

Well, we didn’t get the street cleaned yesterday after all. I think their sweeper broke. Or they ran out of time. They mussed up the gravel that I had carefully arranged, and then put signs up saying we couldn’t park out there today or Monday, either. The postie whose car it is that is messing up my parking spots getting cleaned isn’t back yet, but I’m expecting him soon. I’m trying to decide if I should block him from parking in front of my house (which at this point is actually a towable offense), ask him politely to move if I can catch him, or just forget about it and go sweep after the cleaners are done if I have to.

Speaking of making left turns at lights, two times yesterday I got hung out in the intersection from people blowing through the fresh red light (I still turned). One of them was a bus going very fast - he had plenty of time to stop for the yellow, but I judged (accurately, it turns out), that he had no intention of stopping so waited for him to run the red before making my left turn. Fast as he was going, I probably would be in the hospital right now if I hadn’t. The other one, my car window was open, the asshole who ran the red light’s was open, and I think she got to hear what I yelled at her. :smiley: :cool: :smiley:

154

I just called the county service center to ask about renewing my passport. I’d checked the government site to see what documentation I needed, but my specific situation was not addressed. Hence the call. It went like this:

Me: “Hi, I have a question about what documentation I need to bring to renew my passport. I --”

Her (pausing after each item as if I am furiously writing this down): “Ok, you’ll need your old passport, a photo ID…”

Me: "Yup, and the completed application and my Social Security Number. I checked on that. But, the passport was issued under my maiden name and since then I got married – "

Her: “Then you’ll need to bring a certified copy of your marriage certificate as well.”

Me: “Yes, I figured I would. The passport was issued under my maiden name, but since then I got married, got divorced and then remarried. So I am curious about how much of that I need to document in order to get a new passport.”

Her: “Oh my gosh you’re kidding me!”

Me: “Well, it’s been quite a while since my passport was originally issued.”

Her: “Well, you’ll need to bring a certified copy of your original marriage certificate, a certified copy of your divorce decree and a certified copy of the other marriage certificate. And did you say there was another divorce in there as well?”

Me: “No, just the one.”

Her: “Well, unfortunately for you, these are all standard identification materials for you from now on. You should probably have them all on file anyway, since you won’t only need them for your passport.”

Good God, she was a snippy bitch. My heart was pounding by the time I hung up.

155

Very trivial mini-rant but it made me grumpy:

To Ye Olde Nail Salon:

Your hours are posted as being 10am - 8pm. It was 7:15pm. We walk in planning on partaking of your services.
“Sorry, closed”
Uhhh, noooo… Open. It doesn’t take 45 minutes to do a simple pedi or a simple mani. There were 6 employees, 4 clients in chairs. No one waiting. Two of us.

Drive to Nail Salon #2, arrive at 7:20
Hours again 10am - 8pm. Two employees are outside on phones, smoking. I try the door - lock.
“Sorry, closed”

WTH? Now, I could see turning us away if we showed up at 7:45, or if we asked for huge treatments. But that’s not what we were there for. Quick and simple. Oh well.

So last night we went to another place as recommended by a friend. Oops. At least they were open! The kid wanted something simple, albeit weird - she wanted her nails white with green polka dots. “No. I can do flowers (showing demos of very intricate flowers) and other designs (showing demos of way outrageous designs)”. But you won’t do friggin’ polka dots.

156

Don’t sit next to me! A good 3/4 of the seats on the train are completely empty - why would you come sit next to me!?!

157

Your “Axe Body Spray,” maybe?

158

In the mall, with a few minutes to kill. I see a promo setup for the new Nancy Drew movie (http://nancydrew.thefabricofourlives.com/Nancy-Drew-Cotton-Caper-Mall-Promotion/), and as an old Hardy Boys reader I look it over.

And there, in a national campaign on a presumably-somewhat-expensive display aimed at young readers, which I assume must have gone through some set of human proofreading, is a mention of Nancy Drew “diffusing a bomb”.

159

I swear to God that the final straw that will cause me to go on a schizo flameout personal attack and be permanently banned from this board will be related to the cutesy-wootsy Doper name-fucking that people think makes them special.

It went from being cute to infuriating a long time ago.

160

VC03, your fuse is so short that I expect you to flame out from a random typo some day. Have you ever considered mindful meditation?

Although your constant set-to-11 outrage is entertaining, I’ll give you that. :smiley:

We went out to Boston Pizza for our usual Friday night date, and the meal and service was so bad that we got everything free, and I walked out without eating mine. Calgary is getting worse service in restaurants by the day, and we took that into account, but it was still memorably bad in just about every way.